Bloody hell this is a long road

So. You'd think that after over three years of therapy, I'd be happier with my wife, living in my own home. Fuck.

I stopped seeing therapist number two in May/June, and since then have been going to a couple therapist with my wife. Three/Four months now. There's been some very powerful sessions. Realising the extent to which our parents are in our marriage is truly shocking. Fuck.

So, when I'm struggling with my wife, invariably it's not because of my wife, but because I'm seeing my dad. His voice. His rules. His expectations. Sometimes I see this - and fuck him. Other times it's far more difficult like now.

I still have my business - but am hoping to have sold it within three or so months. The last sale was aborted - which I'm relieved about because we'd have sold it to a bunch of rats. So I went back into the company, five months now, but I hate it. My heart is not there, and every minute is pants.

So. 3 1/2 years of therapy. Where have I got to?

1. Am I happier?

Sometimes I am. I'm also more aware of how I feel, which is often crap, angry and blue. This is very different to how I felt for most of my life - or rather what I suppressed. So I'd have to answer no. It goes in phases. Living with my wife, whom I love dearly, makes me feel unhappy as I am constantly shown just how inadequate I am. I thought of a quote for my headstone yesterday - "A great man humbled by the world". Quite apt I feel. That inadequacy leads to me feeling like I've got it wrong. Getting it wrong is something I'm not allowed. So that makes me depressed. I have no way of fighting against it. This is bound up with my wife - once more. And it fucking stinks. It hurts on my insides. My loins ache. As if I've swallowed bricks.

Nothing I can seem to do makes a difference. I'm left feeling that I and my wife would be happier apart, yet she tells me I'm daft.

2. Is my relationship with my wife better?

Yes and no. Yes in that we have some (a few) good times together. But it's still in the main devoid of real life and passion. I'm starting to be able to put my point across, not quite an argument or row, but I still find it very difficult. Sex is once a month. She can look very hot, and we can have great sex - but it's not often enough. And I don't want to make love to her when I'm struggling. She put in my birthday card that she loves me loads. And she often repeats it yet I find it so difficult to believe. That's the extent to which I struggle.

There are so many times I wish we weren't married. It would, I believe, be easier. Sure I'd miss aspects of being married to my wife. She can be the most loving, affectionate, caring, empathetic, supporting person you could meet. Then my dad enters. Trouble is, just knowing my dad is there doesn't make it easier to get rid of him. I then go into a spiral. Feels impossible to get out of.

I can feel like a prisoner in my own home, almost as if it's my mum nagging me. And that's not conducive to anything positive.

My girls are now 14 & 17. My relationship with them, in the main, is ok. They respect me, love me, and we talk. I get it wrong. Often. I say sorry for getting it wrong too. Something my dad never managed.

3. Do I have better friends?

Yes and no. More no. Where are these people who want to be open and real? 50/50? My best friend is so wrapped in work that he's not available for anything real. Second best friend is far more supportive, and more two way, yet he's not a "have a laugh with" type friend. My other friends live over an hour away.

So - I need to find more friends. And couple friends too - more friends that both my wife and I get on with. She wants activity based friends. I want social based friends. Another thing to work through.

4. My faith

This really is going through all sorts of questions, soul searching. Death - there's a subject. Very conscious I'm now 42. Life is moving along at pace. Not as young as I was. Not as driven. Family almost grown up. What's the point? Where do I go from here? Be a good dad... ok. Be a good husband? What does that mean? Truth - what is it really? Love? So bloody difficult. I do realise that if there isn't a God, with an eternity (almost of any sort) then life is ultimately pretty meaningless apart from the here and now, and the relationships I (we) live with. That may be all there is, and that may be enough, but I would/do find that a very depressing thought.

Summary

Life is difficult (see Scott Peck, The Road Less Travelled, P1). I'm on the narrow road - or so it feels (Jesus, the Bible). It's bloody difficult. And it's hugely unfair. Dealing with the cards my parents dealt me. Having to undo years of abuse. Again. It affects everything. Maybe no different from millions of people the world over. Yet difficult it remains. And I struggle with that. Struggle. Fuck. Fucking bloody fuck it's crap.

:/

Yet what can I do? What choices do I have? Giving a hug to my wife when it's reciprocated is one of the most wonderful things there is...