I hate religion.. including my dad's christianity

I'm still realising just how dominating my dad was. Overnight I had a dream where my wife and I went to visit a church for some reason. We met what turned out to be the pastor's son who was also married. He was very enthusiastic. We then met his dad, who was very dominating. At some point he prayed for the son in such a way that showed he was in total control (hands on, pushing etc until the son went "down"). That, along with other things showed us the score.

My wife started to tell the pastor exactly what she thought of him, but I stopped her. I wanted to explain our backgrounds first in order to try and build some kind of rapport, confidence in us otherwise there was no way they would be able to hear us. I realised however that they would not be able to hear what we were saying regardless..

And this so ties in with my experience. My dad was the pastor, I was the son. I don't remember him praying for me in such a way that I had no choice other than to fall down.. but the strength of control and influence he had over me was the same. And I shudder.

Over the last few weeks I feel as if I am pulling further and further away from my parent's religion. I hate it. It's all about show, all about "decisions", "they got saved" - justifying their lives. Where is the truth? The grace? The zoe kind of life? In fact what Jesus talked about..

And there's my beef right there. Church. God. Christians. ABC - accept, believe and confess and you are in. As if the way, the truth and the life can be summarised and packaged into a formula.

It's NOT why Jesus came. He came to bring truth, was the embodiment of truth.. in that way he was the truth. But those who think that by a simple mutter of "Jesus is Lord" gives them a one way super fast ticket to heaven?? I can't see it. They are deluded in the same way that Catholics are deluded by wearing a patron saint necklace or uttering so many Ave Marias..

What happened to the narrow road? The sheep and the goats? Working out our own salvation with trembling and fear? Hearing wisdom crying out on the street corner and doing all we can to take her? Grace. Truth. Life. It's not about listening to some chap called a minister droning at us every Sunday morning week after week month after month year after year. Can you imagine Jesus doing that?

In fact, he flew at the religious leaders as if they were the devil's own pawns. The religious crowd wanted to stone the adulteress, Jesus merely told her to go and sin no more. He didn't get her to recite some magic formula - repeat after me - "Jesus died for me so that I can go to heaven, and I confess him as my Lord". No crap he did. He saw her. He touched her. He extended grace. Real grace - not some religious hyperbole, not some I' m now being kind to you because you are a lesser person.. no. He saw her, touch her, sent her own her way.

Wasn't that the way he did it? Did he get his disciples together every Sunday for a preach? Not at all. Even his preaches were not preaches in the way we hear them today. He reached out to the common people. Real people, going about their daily lives. Not to get them to join some church, the cell group - or any other such institution. No - he reached out to them, saw them, had compassion upon them, then spoke truth. Regardless of how it would be accepted, he saw them, had compassion, and was truth. It was up to the hearer how they would respond. Whether it would be the birds, sun, weeds or soil that would claim them..

He was no different down here, than he will be on judgement day. On judgement day he will see, he will have compassion, and he will speak truth.

Now tell me, what is my and your experience of church? Of christians? Is their reaction the same as Jesus'? They see you, they have compassion (which is not the same as looking down on in pity), do they speak truth, act truthfully?

Surely this is what God is looking for - living according to his purpose? Not some imprisoned bunch of christians who if they miss going to church fear the fact that they are backsliding. They may be - but then again they may not be. Why are they going to church? Is church their salvation? If they don't meet with other christians does that mean they are going to hell? Backsliding?

It's all crap. Show me a church who encourages truth. God's truth - not in the sense of some theological discussion, but in the sense of knowing life, God's kind of life, being able to really see others. Have compassion - true compassion - from the heart - not some holier than thou sort of compassion..

Encouraging those who go to work out their own salvation. That they can exist without the church. That God is looking for a heart after him - which is not measured in how many meetings, or how much they give, or how many soup runs they do, or how many doors they knock on. Jesus wasn't looking for any of that. He was looking for.. what... freedom. A freedom from sin. From guilt. A response to God's heart of love. Love. Joy. Truth. Peace.

Able to live joyfully through the pain and hardship of life. No matter what. To know deep and honest and truthful and life giving relationships with others. Not to shy away from pain, from difficult areas, from wrong thinking or painful experiences. But to know life, truth and grace therein.. God's life truth and grace. A resting grace. At peace. Real deep down peace. A quality of life which is not available unless you enter through the door of truth, taking the narrow road towards hope which shines bright.

You don't need me to tell you this. You know it already. God's spirit testifies to it within your heart. It's not about Sunday mornings, or cells, or bible studies, or even prayer meetings. It's not about reading your Bible. It's about a relationship. It's about truth. Real truth. About everything. Nothing hidden, ancient templates exploded. How we see ourselves, how we see others, how other's see us. God's grace, truth and life.

I'm waffling. And yet I must write.

So much frustration. It is NOT about church. It is not about following the minister. Being accountable to him for your life. Bollocks. God is your saviour. Where's truth? Do NOT follow a man, or woman. They are human. Foster your relationship with truth. Do not hide from truth. Not just in terms of God - but in terms of your life. How you live it. What you fear, your pain, what you hide.. not because there is a judgemental God who wants to punish you, but rather because there is no law against truth, with grace.

The difficult road, path, walk. Are you hiding? Not wanting God to oh so gently reach into your pain and help you along the path of healing? Instead we turn our faces, mount our defences and justify our actions. And as such we turn from the grace of truth, and the truth of grace.

Go and see a therapist. Go for counselling. We see doctors for physical ailments but aren't willing to see a counsellor for emotional pain.. WHY NOT?

blah blah blah blah...

Regardless, I don't like my dad's religion.