More hard work

First of all - it's going a lot better. I'm still going to the gym 2-4 times a week. Therapy has been going well. I've started doing odds and bits for my company - like interviewing, sorting out final year accounts, starting to do a bit of networking.. on the home front I've started a business plan for the farm my wife wants.

We've also chosen to get a dog - and picked the litter today. Six weeks today and we will have a fox red Labrador!

So - why hard work?

If my wife starts to talk to me - and it's about me - then it triggers catastrophe. A bit like the following;

* My wife says that I am not able to do x, or weren't able to do y, or did z - all of which I see as negative
* I immediately start yo cringe on the inside. Panic, fear, alarm, defended - all kicks in. At times I can feel that I want to run away.

Through therapy my therapist has suggested that this is a trigger (CBT term). That I need to attack it.. What evidence have I got for it being right. What is a more balanced thought. She's not attacking me. She's not saying I have got it wrong. She's not trying to get one over on me. She's not trying to dominate me. Instead she is wanting to express how she feels on something, something important. She loves me. She is not wanting to hurt me. She is not wanting to dominate or anything else. Instead she wants to be able to convey how she feels about something. I don't need to be defensive. I don't need to fear...

And how are my feelings now? Well - a bit better - but still I am having to fight. My therapist said that it will take time as this is so ingrained...

So I will keep working at it. I can't believe how tough it feels at times.