More hard work

First of all - it's going a lot better. I'm still going to the gym 2-4 times a week. Therapy has been going well. I've started doing odds and bits for my company - like interviewing, sorting out final year accounts, starting to do a bit of networking.. on the home front I've started a business plan for the farm my wife wants.

We've also chosen to get a dog - and picked the litter today. Six weeks today and we will have a fox red Labrador!

So - why hard work?

If my wife starts to talk to me - and it's about me - then it triggers catastrophe. A bit like the following;

* My wife says that I am not able to do x, or weren't able to do y, or did z - all of which I see as negative
* I immediately start yo cringe on the inside. Panic, fear, alarm, defended - all kicks in. At times I can feel that I want to run away.

Through therapy my therapist has suggested that this is a trigger (CBT term). That I need to attack it.. What evidence have I got for it being right. What is a more balanced thought. She's not attacking me. She's not saying I have got it wrong. She's not trying to get one over on me. She's not trying to dominate me. Instead she is wanting to express how she feels on something, something important. She loves me. She is not wanting to hurt me. She is not wanting to dominate or anything else. Instead she wants to be able to convey how she feels about something. I don't need to be defensive. I don't need to fear...

And how are my feelings now? Well - a bit better - but still I am having to fight. My therapist said that it will take time as this is so ingrained...

So I will keep working at it. I can't believe how tough it feels at times.

Future - what could I do?

So if the future were not to include me working for my own company - which I've done - then what?

Here is a top of my head list;

• Work with children who have been adopted/fostered - those who have not been parented properly. I wouldn't want to work with disabled children. My aim would be to help them in life, building confidence, self esteem and self worth.
  

• Mentor/coach business owners/directors, pastors/ministers. Those who lead/direct organisations. The purpose of the coaching/mentoring would be to enable them to be better leaders - helping them to push through their own barriers.
  
  
• Provide troubleshooting consultancy to companies - very fast turnarounds, sorting out sales, operations, management and staff issues. Maximum six month engagements.
  
  
• Continue to make money because I'm good - the results of which enable the above.
  
  
• Take regular time off, for reflection, recuperation, hobbies. Fishing, shooting, walking holidays, outdoors (not to include camping! I need a shower and a bed!). Use this time for me, for me and my wife, my girls if they want to be a part, then wider family (nephews/nieces).
  
  

Automatic Thoughts & Corresponding Actions

A key tenant in cognitive behavioural therapy appears to be arresting the automating process between an event which triggers an automatic thought with the following behaviour.

The way it does this, as I've written before, is;

TRIGGER EVENT (.e.g my wife is quiet in the car)
|
AUTOMATIC THOUGHT (I've done something wrong)
|
IMMEDIATE FEELING (Alarm, panic, fear, guilt, trapped)
|
PHYSICAL IMPACT (insides twist, pensive, defensive)
|
RESULTING BEHAVIOUR (Go on the defensive, or loop above)

CBT allows you to realise that we feel the way we do because of the automatic thought - NOT because of the trigger. So if we can break the power of the automatic thought we won't feel the same feelings etc.

Key questions to ask include;

What evidence do I have that I am right?
What evidence do I have that I am wrong?
How may someone else see it?
Do I now have an alternative way of seeing this?
If not - what makes me so special?
What more balanced thought do I end up with?

This simple process, which does require that someone is able to actually know what they are feeling (which itself may require some work), is very effective.

I felt extremely trapped by being with my wife. If I was in the car, in the house, she asked if I wanted to go for a walk, or do something, or go somewhere, or indeed started talking to me, I would panic. My automatic thought would go along the lines "I'm wrong, I'm not allowed to get this wrong, I've got it wrong". This would lead, ultimately, to a sense of being trapped - for there was no way out. I then thought my wife was trapping me -whereas all along it was me.

Five or so weeks later and there has been a big change. For by challenging these thoughts has meant a huge difference... There's still work to do, further enforcing, as well as moving further into my life (trigger situations) and challenging other automatic thoughts..

I can't believe how simple and yet effective it is..

And as I work through this maybe I can apply it to my future too - I.e. not being afraid of repeating the mistakes of the past..

The Past, The Future and The Present

Just read a book called "The Present" by Spencer Johnson. He also wrote the book "Who Moved My Cheese?". A simple and easy to read book illustrating life truths through a story.

The Present is about being able to live in the moment, whilst learning lessons from the past but not living in the past, and planning for the future but living in the moment working towards the future. I.e. it's about the present.

Over the last 18 months I have been focusing on learning from the past in order to be able to live better in the present. What I have not given much consideration too is the future. What is it I want? It's as if I have been so driven in the past towards achieving this magic future, that I am now afraid to think about the future for I do not want to be driven.

I guess that where I need to LEARN from the past, in order not to repeat the past. I do not want to be driven. I want to be able to live in the present. So this is a challenge to me, maybe the next step on my journey. What do I want in the future? What would a wonderful future look like? Then plan for it, working in the moment towards that goal whilst living in the present.

At the moment, I have no future. I want to be.. but I also want to keep developing. So this is something I need to give some serious thought too...