Seperation from wife = catastrophe

For years now I have been living under the almost constant fear that my wife would either a) move out, or more likely, b) ask me to move out. Four/five years ago she said it had to change and if she had the money she would have moved out to a flat. Just thinking back to how desperate it was back then is a horrible feeling (I feel grief, upset, horrible, distraught, miserable, without hope, wounded).

Then last summer she told me she was going to see a solicitor to see what her options were. I really thought that was it. And since then the feeling of absolute dread increased and grew. CATASTROPHE!

It's as if I have been living under a constant cloud of FEAR - that she would ask me to move out with immediate effect.

Last Thursday/Friday it came to a head. She'd asked me to sleep in another bedroom, and I was enjoying it - FREEDOM! But, it also meant I wasn't doing the normal things I used to - such as going walking with her, talking etc.

I couldn't sleep Thursday night and my mind was racing till around 3am. Separation. What would it mean? What would it look like? And I came to the conclusion that it would not be all bad. There would be advantages - primarily that I would not feel trapped! Friday I spent with my mum (!) which I need to write about. That went very well and I was very very honest, and emotional with her. She apologised for the hurt that had been caused. She was very sweet. Then I had a therapy session Friday night, then I went out with my excellent mate Chris. We went for a curry, then another drink, then another. And a very long chat.

I was feeling very emotional about my wife and seperating. Sad, confused, afraid, crushed. I beared my soul.

And I came to a conclusion. It would not be a catastrophe! There would be lots of upsides - namely that I wouldn't feel the same sense of being trapped anymore. I would be free to do as I liked without feeling constantly on guard, uncomfortable, nervous, panicky etc. And that I would welcome! In fact, as I've thought about it, why would I stay with her, apart from the girls, if being with her makes me feel like that?

And I am not blaming her (because I daren't get it wrong?) - for I recognise that whomever I was with it would be the same. So unfortunately my wife is suffering yet again because of my childhood. But I have to work through this, and no longer do I want to do it for her, I want to do it for me. So I have to ask myself difficult questions - like do I want to stay with my wife?

Right now I am not sure. I'm pretty sure I love her still - but I can't see beyond my fear right now. It's overwhelming. So I need some time, but I am starting to feel some hope that I can work through this. Just realising how much emotions/feelings I really do feel is actually also extremely helpful - for it helps me to see where I am at, the reality of my current situation which actually sucks in the things that matter - namely how I feel, how my relationship with my wife is, and then wider to the girls, work, hobbies etc.

So - some relief, though also a realisation of crap I am actually feeling, and for how long I've been feeling it..