HIstory - no room for me. Or anyone else

I've spent the last two hours reviewing the homework my therapist had given me. I've finished my life's timeline - and realised a number of things. I've also completed my "triggers" in which I write what happens as a trigger, what my automatic thought is, Immediate feeling, physical feeling and resulting behaviour.

So - what have I realised from my lifeline?

1. I have been so focused on trying desperately to do what I thought was right, that I've forgotten to do what was right.. so I've chased church and work, and forgotten me (I have to write me, though I wouldn't otherwise), my wife and my girls. My wife has tried so hard to follow me, support me, and yet where was I leading her to? Oblivion. Desolation. Dead end. Devastation. Exhaustion. Plus I've lost a number of years from my oldest daughter, is that a cause for some of her aloofness?

2. That the best and happiest times were when I wasn't involved in church. For that's when I had time - apart from of course when I wasn't doing the company. When my oldest was born for example, that was a wonderful time. We'd just left one church and were in a vacuum. So I had energy, and spent it on my oldest. That makes me cry, for I feel upset, grief, joy..

Then the triggers - they all go something like;

Trigger: My wife wants to talk to me
Immediate thought: She's going to tell me I'm getting it wrong, or done something wrong
Immediate feeling: Unease, panic, fear, tension, inadequate, guarded, insecure, threatened, timid, vulnerable, defeated, helpless, worried, immobilised, powerless, stuck,trapped, worthless
Physical feeling: Tension, pressure, guts wringing, want to defend myself, ready to disconnect
Behaviour: I listen because cos I have to - I want to be a good dad & husband. I want to be open
and supportive. So I listen.. To a point. If I stopped her (historically) & she blew up & I wouldn't be able to handle that.

So - any time my wife wants to do anything with me - this is how I feel. And it feels horrible!

My poor wife. And poor me.