The difficult path - and fear

I've been seeing Valerie now for around 4 weeks. In total around 7-8 times. And it is completely different. It's much much easier than seeing Bob my first therapist. It was as if I was playing some kind of game with him. Control, intellectual.. and it was horrible.

Valerie is totally different. Normal would be the first word I'd use, followed by friendly, supportive, on my side, sympathetic, empathetic, explanatory... in a word normal.

She has asked me to do a timeline - from birth to date. Key events, key thoughts, and how I felt in the form of a graph superimposed over the top. The first thing that struck me is that I've not been actually happy for large parts of my life - but never before have I been allowed to see that. Secondly, it was when I was adding 18-21, arriving at University and meeting my wife to be that I started to feel upset and cried a little.

Why? Because I currently feel trapped, and because that was when I first got trapped. There I was, desperate to escape my parents, so within 3 months of arriving at uni I'm trapped again. None of this is my wife's fault. But the feeling was the same nevertheless.

And how we met, and now thinking about it - I feel my insides seize.

I am coming to the conclusion that I have lived all my life in fear. Fear of getting it wrong. So - that would apply the most with my wife since I left home. Then to my girls. Presumably then with any managers at work (which would be why I ended up going it alone)...

Valerie said to me that when I was at home I was not allowed to have emotions. Emotions weren't allowed. So I have no real idea of what my emotions are. So she's encouraged me to take more notice of my emotions - what is it that I feel and to that end she has given me a list of "feeling words". So - under Afraid there is the following - let's see how they fit..

Fear. Panic. Unsure. On the edge. Radar constantly in motion. Unable to get it right. Paralysed. Debilitated. Alarmed, apprehensive, anxious, cautious in the sense of my relationships - especially with my wife - and probably my girls. Desperate - to get it right, to not be wrong. Fearful of getting it wrong. Frantic in my attempts to ensure safety for me. Frightened. Guarded - oh so guarded, for again if I get it wrong - It's the end. Horrified when I realised that I had got something wrong. Insecure within my relationship with my wife, and to an extent my girls. Intimidated.. yes, by my wife as she was so good at verbalising how she felt, or what she thought was wrong.

Nervous - of getting it wrong. Nervous of being found out for getting it wrong. Overwhelmed when I did get it wrong. Panicky when I thought I was getting it wrong (which includes when my wife tells me I am getting it wrong). Petrified of getting it wrong - that my wife would walk out on me, that I would get something so disastrously wrong. Scared. Shaken. Tense terrified? Bollocks, yes. When I've got it wrong, or fear I am about to get it wrong. For example when I lost the keys to the car when I was 18, and had to call dad to come and get me. I was absolutely terrified. That is a common feeling then, even with my wife.

Threatened - yes. Timid - no one would know it, but I am timid with my wife. Oh crap this is hurting now. Timid - in that I don't suggest things, daren't suggest things, daren't get it wrong, daren't risk things in context to our relationship or as a family. Crap what a way to live. Twenty bloody years as an adult, never mind as a kid. That's really really crap. Crap for me. Crap for my wife. Crap for my girls. CRAP!

Uncomfortable. YES! Uncomfortable with my wife. In my own house. In my own living room. If she's in the hoyse I feel SO uncomfortable. On holiday is a joke - for we are thrown together with no escape. My wife hates it. I hate it - for I CAN NOT get it right. And thinking about it that's what this sabbatical has been like. And every time I have tried to do something just for me, such as fishing which I loved doing on blue sky days, my wife would tell me I was treating her like shit. She'd say she had no problem with me going fishing, but the way I was doing it was crap. I didn't get it, and still don't. But I knew I had to get out for me, escape as it were - though not necessarily in a bad way - but of course knowing how she felt I would feel guilty, with all of the following emotions. So even doing something I loved, I was feeling guilty. Then I'd come back home, like a kid coming home knowing his father is waiting... bloody hell.

Uncomfortable - that summarises very well how I feel when I'm at home with my wife. I can NEVER rest, relax, just be.. never.

Unsafe - yes. Very. As above really. Uneasy - a constant feeling. Vulnerable - ouch. Whenever my wife is present I feel vulnerable. Worried - I guess.

Bloody hell fire. I've just gone through a list and found that I feel every one of them. And ALL OF THE TIME. And yet, if I'd looked at that list not that long ago I wouldn't have recognised them as me. Certainly not 2 years ago - don't know how recent.

It's no wonder I have felt SO exhausted, so uncomfortable with my wife, so unable to do anything, with no motivation to do anything. For I have been trapped in a prison of fear - and needing to stay in it because it was "right" or because I loved my wife. She would tell me I wasn't doing something, and it would feed straight into my fear - I'm getting it wrong. I would redouble my efforts, which only fed stronger into my fear, alarm, panic, terror...

No wonder I don't want to be here! No wonder both my wife (who I feel for) and myself have had enough of what it's been like. No wonder I have been unable to sit in the same room as my wife, no wonder I constantly monitor her body language, have tried so hard to do what she wants - I.e. a farm, daily (long) walks, trips out etc. etc. My wife is wanting a normal relationship - but it has just been keeping me and further enforcing my fear.