Western & Eastern Religions & love - Erich Fromm

Reading a very interesting book at the moment. "The Art of Loving" by Erich Fromm. First published in 1957, the author died in 1980. He talks about love being an activity, as in "standing in" love, rather than love being showered on an object - as in "falling in" love. He is very persuasive, and I like the way he writes. Reminds me a little of Scott M Peck in "Road Less Travelled".

He talks about love being the ultimate goal of self development (suggesting that therapy's motto of "Know thyself" should not be an end unto itself, but a stepping stone to the ability to love). It's a fascinating read.

The need to experience a union as a result of the separateness we feel. The role of mother, father, maturing to the point we become our own father and mothers. And that ultimately, love is a sign of maturity. Love of self, love of those close to us, love of friends, love of strangers, the poor and downtrodden - are all facets of a mature person. If someone doesn't love the stranger, then they have no love. That we love because we ourselves are "rich" - rich in the sense that we have something to give and give liberally. A "poor" person in this context being someone who does not posses the ability (richness) to be able to give (love) to others.

I am struck by how much of this is biblical.

He then discusses the love of God in the same vein. And here it is interesting for it differs from the teaching I've received. He argues that love for God follows in the same vein as our early dependence upon our mother, followed by our father, before becoming our own father and mother. I.e. before we are born we are one with the mother, yet separate. As we begin to grow up we realise that we are separate from our mum, yet her love for us is unconditional as we came from her. At an early age we start to move away from our mother and our father becomes more important. His love is dependant upon our behaviour. He represents rule, authority, the outside world. As we continue to mature we take on our own responsibility and in that sense we become our own father and mother.

In the same way immature religion is where we are dependant upon the "mother" God (matriarchal). The all embracing, all caring, gracious, unconditional love which we can do nothing to sever. As we continue to mature we sway towards the patriarchal God - the Father God - whom we must please, with rules and judgement. To please him we must do as he wishes. As religion continues to mature, the notion that _we_ become like God, in the sense that we carry the responsibility ourselves. I.e. We don't look to God as the one who wipes our bums, nor the one to whom we must bow and scrape. Instead we realise that we are like God, or, in a sense, God and us are one.

He argues that the western philosophy is based on Aristotle, whereas Eastern religions are based on paradoxical logic. So western holds that if X is A, X is not A. Paradoxical thought states that X and be A and not A. The Western world, based on it's philosophy, has made thought and science the two ruling guides. If something can not be proved it cannot be so. Western religions are "thought" based. I please God by following dogma (E.g. Catholicism). Eastern religions have done the opposite, and are based on transformation- knowing God experientially in order to become one with him.

Interestingly, he argues that western religion; in the sense of defining who God is, is based on what He isn't. Even Eastern religion is along the same lines. Here's the question - how can we know God? I don't mean this is the way a Christian would ask "Do you know God" - I mean being able to explain God. Moses asked God for his name as the Israelites needed a name to be able to objectify God in the same way they had their idols. What was God's answer? 'I AM WHO I AM BECOMING'. Another paraphrase would be "The nameless one". I don't have a name. You cannot know it. It is too great, too wonderful, so far away above your comprehension, that a name in our human terms means nothing. I, I AM. We define God by using contradictions, or negatives. God is not human (using a negative). He doesn't sleep. Hmm. This hard is hard to explain here - read the book!

And yet..

I believe that my _experience_ of God (I live in the UK!), or rather my relationship with God, is based on both. If I had thought only, where would the change be? How would I experience union, true oneness with something so loving that it takes my breath away? For me, maybe this is why I hate my perception of religion so much. There is so much emphasis on doing. Cell groups, worship, needing to be like everyone else, certain behaviours. Where is the power? The risk taking? The experience of a loving God? In fact the New Testament says that we can only know God spiritually. This is NOT mind or thought. Neither is is doing - as in activity. So neither thought nor mind allows us to know God.

What does eastern religions teach us? Apparently one aspect of the paradoxical logic is that it matters not what our current thoughts are, only that we want to continue to develop. In that way there are "many paths to God". An example is used of three blind men explaining an elephant. One, touching his trunk, explains a water pipe. The other his ears says an elephant is like a fan. The third feeling his leg explains an elephant is like a pillar. This line of thinking means that eastern religions are more tolerant - they don't mind so much where you are up to in your thinking for it is your transformation which is important. Western religions have centred on dogmas - leading to the notions of wrong thinking - or heretics. Burning at the stake, schisms and church splits.

He argues that ultimate maturity is that in a sense we cannot know God. Instead we become like him. He and I become one. The more we know, the less we know. The more we claim to know, the more ignorant we are. The less we know we know, the more we know... I know confusing. That's a paradox. And that's the point... but that in so doing, we also become more loving. We are able to love every human being because God is in every human being. We are all one. The stranger, the orphan, the homeless, the poor, the aids vicitim, the african with swollen tummy, as well as our family, those close to us, and ourselves.

I find this stuff very challenging. I also know that I can not, currently at least, agree with much that goes on in many churches. Well meaning people, serving God as if he were an idol, or a tyrannical father ready to beat them. Belonging is more important than transformation. Dogma more important than transformation. I hate it.

So - where am I?

Over the last months or year, I have been on a journey. And a journey where I don't know where I will end up. From being a charismatic, enthusiastic Christian who believes every word in the Bible literally being instrumental in seeing many others become Christians (in the sense of professing a believe in Jesus Christ and desiring a personal relationship with him), I am becoming less absolute. I find much of organised religion putrid. Including charismatic evangelical churches. Sure, much good is done in the sense of helping the poor (is there a greater calling?) by a relative few. But all the dogma and rules and need to conform that goes with it - yuuck!

I find myself challenging myself on all manner of areas which before were sacrosanct. Is Jesus the ONLY way to God in the way that evangelicals believe. The ABC of the gospel - Admit your wrongdoing, Believe Jesus is Lord and Confess he is so.. Seems so trite. Where's the transformation? Where's the "you will know them be their fruit"? Where's the power which follows the words? Surely if there is no transformation, no fruit, no power - then their religion however firmly held is useless?

I have seen many lives transformed. As people have tentatively reached out to God. Wanting him to be there. Experiencing his love, those first few steps being rewarded with unimaginable grace. Change. Power. Transformation! It's one of the most wonderful things to behold - a fellow human being being changed by grace. And yet it happens too little in too many churches. The early love is restrained by wrong thinking, wrong teaching, a need to conform and adhere to century old dogmas which have no basis in scripture. The result is love lost. "You have lost your first love".

Oh God - save me, save us. I want reality. Truth. Transformation - not to be a miracle worker, but an object of beauty. Joy. Grace, able to love the unlovely from a place of love - not religion.


How can church be God's bride? I don't understand...

CBT - Huge impact!

Ok - so there I was feeling so trapped anytime I was anywhere near my wife. Four weeks of two sessions a week with a new therapist where she has got me to focus on;

What specific feelings I feel (I refer to a list)
Triggers with automatic thoughts, feelings, physical feelings then behaviour
Then to start questioning the automatic thoughts

Et voila! I am a NEW man!

I have found that in the last week or so I have had no problem in feeling trapped with my wife. And what's more, crucially, I've started to pick up on her defences and triggers. She claimed I was not giving an emotional connection but now I realise that I AM giving an emotional connection, but it is my wife that is unable to maintain it under certain conditions. She felt I was being dominating in some areas but it turns out she feels threatened therefore me being the centre of my circle was extremely threatening.

It's been an amazing week! Sex, trip to Birmingham shopping with lots of talking, talking over breakfast, tea... pushing back and highlighting where maybe my wife was struggling. Where a trigger was causing negative thoughts with resulting anxiety and panic for her..

And it is SO different!

I'm still going to gym and starting to build muscle and some definition. Still can't run as I have what I believe to be tendinitis in my knees from laying loft insulation - but I think that's getting better too.. I'm taking super whey protein (maximuscle) to help with muscle gain. Already my wife is noticing the difference too meaning more scope for fancying me.

We've talked about oral sex, how she feels about my dick (she feels that I am threatening and wanting to dominate her - an example of a trigger with negative thinking), making sex/love, her being visible, her showing her feelings, he being allowed to know how she feels... it all resulted in mind blowing sex about two hours ago. She wore this lovely black satin negligee, suspenders, black high heels, no knickers... then struck a pose allowing me to see all........

Oh my..

HIstory - no room for me. Or anyone else

I've spent the last two hours reviewing the homework my therapist had given me. I've finished my life's timeline - and realised a number of things. I've also completed my "triggers" in which I write what happens as a trigger, what my automatic thought is, Immediate feeling, physical feeling and resulting behaviour.

So - what have I realised from my lifeline?

1. I have been so focused on trying desperately to do what I thought was right, that I've forgotten to do what was right.. so I've chased church and work, and forgotten me (I have to write me, though I wouldn't otherwise), my wife and my girls. My wife has tried so hard to follow me, support me, and yet where was I leading her to? Oblivion. Desolation. Dead end. Devastation. Exhaustion. Plus I've lost a number of years from my oldest daughter, is that a cause for some of her aloofness?

2. That the best and happiest times were when I wasn't involved in church. For that's when I had time - apart from of course when I wasn't doing the company. When my oldest was born for example, that was a wonderful time. We'd just left one church and were in a vacuum. So I had energy, and spent it on my oldest. That makes me cry, for I feel upset, grief, joy..

Then the triggers - they all go something like;

Trigger: My wife wants to talk to me
Immediate thought: She's going to tell me I'm getting it wrong, or done something wrong
Immediate feeling: Unease, panic, fear, tension, inadequate, guarded, insecure, threatened, timid, vulnerable, defeated, helpless, worried, immobilised, powerless, stuck,trapped, worthless
Physical feeling: Tension, pressure, guts wringing, want to defend myself, ready to disconnect
Behaviour: I listen because cos I have to - I want to be a good dad & husband. I want to be open
and supportive. So I listen.. To a point. If I stopped her (historically) & she blew up & I wouldn't be able to handle that.

So - any time my wife wants to do anything with me - this is how I feel. And it feels horrible!

My poor wife. And poor me.

Seperation from wife = catastrophe

For years now I have been living under the almost constant fear that my wife would either a) move out, or more likely, b) ask me to move out. Four/five years ago she said it had to change and if she had the money she would have moved out to a flat. Just thinking back to how desperate it was back then is a horrible feeling (I feel grief, upset, horrible, distraught, miserable, without hope, wounded).

Then last summer she told me she was going to see a solicitor to see what her options were. I really thought that was it. And since then the feeling of absolute dread increased and grew. CATASTROPHE!

It's as if I have been living under a constant cloud of FEAR - that she would ask me to move out with immediate effect.

Last Thursday/Friday it came to a head. She'd asked me to sleep in another bedroom, and I was enjoying it - FREEDOM! But, it also meant I wasn't doing the normal things I used to - such as going walking with her, talking etc.

I couldn't sleep Thursday night and my mind was racing till around 3am. Separation. What would it mean? What would it look like? And I came to the conclusion that it would not be all bad. There would be advantages - primarily that I would not feel trapped! Friday I spent with my mum (!) which I need to write about. That went very well and I was very very honest, and emotional with her. She apologised for the hurt that had been caused. She was very sweet. Then I had a therapy session Friday night, then I went out with my excellent mate Chris. We went for a curry, then another drink, then another. And a very long chat.

I was feeling very emotional about my wife and seperating. Sad, confused, afraid, crushed. I beared my soul.

And I came to a conclusion. It would not be a catastrophe! There would be lots of upsides - namely that I wouldn't feel the same sense of being trapped anymore. I would be free to do as I liked without feeling constantly on guard, uncomfortable, nervous, panicky etc. And that I would welcome! In fact, as I've thought about it, why would I stay with her, apart from the girls, if being with her makes me feel like that?

And I am not blaming her (because I daren't get it wrong?) - for I recognise that whomever I was with it would be the same. So unfortunately my wife is suffering yet again because of my childhood. But I have to work through this, and no longer do I want to do it for her, I want to do it for me. So I have to ask myself difficult questions - like do I want to stay with my wife?

Right now I am not sure. I'm pretty sure I love her still - but I can't see beyond my fear right now. It's overwhelming. So I need some time, but I am starting to feel some hope that I can work through this. Just realising how much emotions/feelings I really do feel is actually also extremely helpful - for it helps me to see where I am at, the reality of my current situation which actually sucks in the things that matter - namely how I feel, how my relationship with my wife is, and then wider to the girls, work, hobbies etc.

So - some relief, though also a realisation of crap I am actually feeling, and for how long I've been feeling it..

The difficult path - and fear

I've been seeing Valerie now for around 4 weeks. In total around 7-8 times. And it is completely different. It's much much easier than seeing Bob my first therapist. It was as if I was playing some kind of game with him. Control, intellectual.. and it was horrible.

Valerie is totally different. Normal would be the first word I'd use, followed by friendly, supportive, on my side, sympathetic, empathetic, explanatory... in a word normal.

She has asked me to do a timeline - from birth to date. Key events, key thoughts, and how I felt in the form of a graph superimposed over the top. The first thing that struck me is that I've not been actually happy for large parts of my life - but never before have I been allowed to see that. Secondly, it was when I was adding 18-21, arriving at University and meeting my wife to be that I started to feel upset and cried a little.

Why? Because I currently feel trapped, and because that was when I first got trapped. There I was, desperate to escape my parents, so within 3 months of arriving at uni I'm trapped again. None of this is my wife's fault. But the feeling was the same nevertheless.

And how we met, and now thinking about it - I feel my insides seize.

I am coming to the conclusion that I have lived all my life in fear. Fear of getting it wrong. So - that would apply the most with my wife since I left home. Then to my girls. Presumably then with any managers at work (which would be why I ended up going it alone)...

Valerie said to me that when I was at home I was not allowed to have emotions. Emotions weren't allowed. So I have no real idea of what my emotions are. So she's encouraged me to take more notice of my emotions - what is it that I feel and to that end she has given me a list of "feeling words". So - under Afraid there is the following - let's see how they fit..

Fear. Panic. Unsure. On the edge. Radar constantly in motion. Unable to get it right. Paralysed. Debilitated. Alarmed, apprehensive, anxious, cautious in the sense of my relationships - especially with my wife - and probably my girls. Desperate - to get it right, to not be wrong. Fearful of getting it wrong. Frantic in my attempts to ensure safety for me. Frightened. Guarded - oh so guarded, for again if I get it wrong - It's the end. Horrified when I realised that I had got something wrong. Insecure within my relationship with my wife, and to an extent my girls. Intimidated.. yes, by my wife as she was so good at verbalising how she felt, or what she thought was wrong.

Nervous - of getting it wrong. Nervous of being found out for getting it wrong. Overwhelmed when I did get it wrong. Panicky when I thought I was getting it wrong (which includes when my wife tells me I am getting it wrong). Petrified of getting it wrong - that my wife would walk out on me, that I would get something so disastrously wrong. Scared. Shaken. Tense terrified? Bollocks, yes. When I've got it wrong, or fear I am about to get it wrong. For example when I lost the keys to the car when I was 18, and had to call dad to come and get me. I was absolutely terrified. That is a common feeling then, even with my wife.

Threatened - yes. Timid - no one would know it, but I am timid with my wife. Oh crap this is hurting now. Timid - in that I don't suggest things, daren't suggest things, daren't get it wrong, daren't risk things in context to our relationship or as a family. Crap what a way to live. Twenty bloody years as an adult, never mind as a kid. That's really really crap. Crap for me. Crap for my wife. Crap for my girls. CRAP!

Uncomfortable. YES! Uncomfortable with my wife. In my own house. In my own living room. If she's in the hoyse I feel SO uncomfortable. On holiday is a joke - for we are thrown together with no escape. My wife hates it. I hate it - for I CAN NOT get it right. And thinking about it that's what this sabbatical has been like. And every time I have tried to do something just for me, such as fishing which I loved doing on blue sky days, my wife would tell me I was treating her like shit. She'd say she had no problem with me going fishing, but the way I was doing it was crap. I didn't get it, and still don't. But I knew I had to get out for me, escape as it were - though not necessarily in a bad way - but of course knowing how she felt I would feel guilty, with all of the following emotions. So even doing something I loved, I was feeling guilty. Then I'd come back home, like a kid coming home knowing his father is waiting... bloody hell.

Uncomfortable - that summarises very well how I feel when I'm at home with my wife. I can NEVER rest, relax, just be.. never.

Unsafe - yes. Very. As above really. Uneasy - a constant feeling. Vulnerable - ouch. Whenever my wife is present I feel vulnerable. Worried - I guess.

Bloody hell fire. I've just gone through a list and found that I feel every one of them. And ALL OF THE TIME. And yet, if I'd looked at that list not that long ago I wouldn't have recognised them as me. Certainly not 2 years ago - don't know how recent.

It's no wonder I have felt SO exhausted, so uncomfortable with my wife, so unable to do anything, with no motivation to do anything. For I have been trapped in a prison of fear - and needing to stay in it because it was "right" or because I loved my wife. She would tell me I wasn't doing something, and it would feed straight into my fear - I'm getting it wrong. I would redouble my efforts, which only fed stronger into my fear, alarm, panic, terror...

No wonder I don't want to be here! No wonder both my wife (who I feel for) and myself have had enough of what it's been like. No wonder I have been unable to sit in the same room as my wife, no wonder I constantly monitor her body language, have tried so hard to do what she wants - I.e. a farm, daily (long) walks, trips out etc. etc. My wife is wanting a normal relationship - but it has just been keeping me and further enforcing my fear.