Still so much to work through

I seem to making such good progress on the one hand, and yet there is still what seems like a myriad of stuff to sort and resolve.

I'm going to the gym and going for long walks regularly - which is great. I'm feeling a lot fitter, without being exhausted which is great.

I've made a decision to not sell the company, and instead help to drive greater revenue and profits. I feel good about that.

I've faced the reality of some of the bad decisions I made as Managing Director which resulted in losses. That was a bitter pill to swallow - and am currently working that one through.

I feel I am less defensive towards my wife - so that when she wants to talk about an issue I am not as guarded. Generally speaking. And that's really positive. As a result we've had what she would perceive as deeper conversations. The downside is that she feels that I would not move forwards if it were not for her constant probing. I.e. she's my therapist - so that started a conversation about whether I should be seeing a therapist.

I met up with my next oldest sister last week. We went out for a drink and a meal. Six hours later she left. She is overweight, more relaxed than I thought she'd be (she is on 30mg of antidepressants), and fairly open. The big question is do I actually want to see her again..

I also had a long chat with my mum the week before, and agreed to meet up. I was, by my standards, very honest..


However - the stuff still to work through;

I am still very defensive. My wife tells me I will DO anything, but having an emotional connection with her is something I find very difficult - primarily because we never emotionally connected when I was being brought up. Thus the tendency to refer to "the parents" or "the sisters" rather than my mum and dad, or my sister.

My wife realised today that she is still very unhappy. She has no choices now that I have decided not to sell the business. So she's suddenly feeling trapped again with no control. Bloody hell. Just what I need. She says we may need to sell this house we've spent a fortune on (because she wanted to), not get anywhere near what it's worth in order to buy a small house/flat where we live for the girls during the week and then allow us to buy a farm with say 20 acres some 30-40 minutes away.

This really attacks my sense of reality and optimism. I have realised in the last week or so that my optimism was my defence against my dad's constant negative cynicism. As I start to face reality, I.e. with my business, I can no longer rely on my defence that everything would be ok. Everything was possible. That impacts me with my wife, and her dream of owning a farm and land. I can't pretend that I can just magic up over £1m for her to do so. The company is going to take a long time to grow, and I now have two other directors to consider.

So how ever much I may not like it, and may want to put my head in the sand, my wife feels trapped and wants to have the money to buy a farm. That may mean we need to sell this house :( and NOT get the value we deserve from the £200k we've spent on it. We may have to borrow up to the gills to be able to do it, and I would have to work harder to ensure we can pay it.

I feel as if all of the pressure on making it happen is on me. I have to find a buyer for her half of the company, or we have to sell this house and then I'd have to make it work for my wife and the girls in terms of schooling.

She feels like we live in a village she's bored of. She doesn't know people. The usual story basically. And bollocks to it. It always means I have to do something. She claims she would never let me be this unhappy, that she would have done anything possible to ensure my happiness. So, here is a load of guilt I want you to wallow in. She says that I never listen to her, and never am willing to do what it takes.

Bollocks to that too - for I was willing to move to Bolton (I mean, Bolton), when we lived down south. I was willing to buy this house and let her spend a fortune. Once we'd barely started she was unable to do it by herself, so I had to project manage the build, manage the architect etc. etc. Then she was unable to have the builders in, so I had to manage that. All the time I have to manage what she can't. But at the same time she tells me that I am not caring for her, not willing to do anything.

Bollocks.

I know that I am defended. I know that I still have more stuff to work through. I know that, and I am willing too. Right now I have decided that I would go to a therapist, but I don't want to impact my wife too much. Should we both do therapy again together?? It's bloody hard work. SO DON'T BLOODY TELL ME THAT I DON'T CARE.

If she buys a farm some 40 minutes away, I would have to drive her everywhere.

This is why I still need to go to therapy - for I have no idea what is right, what is balanced, what is love. Is love denying myself, doing everything for my wife? Would she really be able to do a farm by herself? No. I don't think she would. Not until she has built up a group of people to help her. And yet how would she do that? The occasional weekend maybe. But not day in day out. Plant a forest. Composting toilets. An eco campsite. What is it that she wants? Does she really want to escape like her parents do? Go and live in a secluded place because people aren't that nice? Oh she'd say she wants a team, a sense of community. But if you can't do that where you live, how on earth are you going to do that in a rural location? Friends and family are not the answer.

So if my wife told me she had found the farm of her dreams - what would I do? My defenses would say DO everything to help her. But in reality -it would take over my life too. I don't think she's ready myself. Not until she can get on a train, a bus, get in a taxi, have local friends without it being a big issue/deal. Build a sense of balanced right Independence from me.

So, right now, when all is said and done, there is no way it's right for her to buy a farm right now. So what's the issue? She must know that too, on her insides, so.. what's the issue. Why does she feel the need to press now? Control? Freedom? Trapped? They are all horrible emotions. Why does she feel those now? Because I am keeping the company? Because I still have a way to go myself? Because she doesn't feel safe with me? Because she is not happy with the level of relationship we both have? Because, she's not happy. Feels trapped. And somehow it's my fault.

Big question therefore is, how can I help her? Can I help her? Am I able to? Or am I too 'contaminated'? Too close? What am I responsible for? What am I not? I know that I have big defenses still to work through. I have to be in control of my life or otherwise my dad will come crashing down on me - I know that - and am working through it, and willing to see a therapist about it.

Can I just be soft and gentle? Ask her basic questions. What does she want? Deep down? How can I help her with that? Not the farm, that's a surface thing. But deep down. The trouble is I fear the answers. I fear that I will be to blame. Will I be able to handle it? And that's a $60bn question.

Yet I want to.....

Should I book a therapy session for this week?

And where am I in all of this??