Living with a harsh judge...

As my wife and I discussed holidays last night, which is always a difficult subject, I started to feel that inner rising of emotion that normally would push me to stop the conversation..

Holidays have never really worked for us. My wife can't "just go" on holiday and relax. She has always needed to do something, travel.. she can't just sit on a beach or sit in a five star hotel and soak up the sun. She would get bored within one day and be a miserable so and so.

Meanwhile, she claims that I switch off when on holiday. I go into escape mode..

The two are diametrically opposed.. and it has caused a lot of heartache for both of us.

So, there we were. Do we go to a villa in Italy (my wife is currently unable to fly)? Do we go by train (she can't currently do that, but really wants to) to somewhere like Morocco? But even the thought was stressful. I started looking at villas, and thought, no, she wouldn't like that, no she would hate that, no she would be bored there.. .but worse that bored. Anxious. She'd drill down into her self. Get into her barrel and start running. It would go downhill. I think I then react to her, and go into escape mode as there is nothing I can do to change it.. that then makes her worse.. and yeah. It doesn't work.

As she thought about the holiday too she got stressed...

So. Normally I would have stopped the conversation as I knew it was causing internal wranglings, but I stayed with it. And wham! It hit me..

Why was it that it mattered so much whether a holiday was good or not (apart from the obvious). It's because I fear my dad's judgement. I fear that he will look at it, and judge it, crushing everyone inc me in the process.

Then I realised that this is what I fear in every department of my life. A holiday is a public thing - and outward and visible expression, and thus subject to dad's judgement. And my dad judges everything he can see. Verbally. With his face. With his mood. I found it utterly crushing as a child. He would judge my friends, people on the TV, people in the church. So I fought so very hard to ensure that whatever it was that I cared about would not get that judgement. It had to be perfect to ensure it wasn't judged.

And thinking about this I realised that it wasn't me that needed it to be perfect, it was because I feared my dad's judgement. With one look he would wither it on the vine. Pronounce it useless. Defect. Demonic. Evil. Worthless. So I would fight to ensure that the thing or person I cared about acted or looked in such a way such that my dad would not make is evil judgement.

My wife. My daughters. Church. Work. Me..

Oh God. As I realised this I cried. Sobbed. From deep within. I realised how much of every part of my life has been subject to this fear that this person who lives forever on my shoulder ready to judge whatever it is that I feel passionate about worthless. Crap. Fuck off.

My wife on our honeymoon. My wife in our marriage - she has to be perfect so that my dad doesn't pronounce this awful judgement on her, I don't want that for her, so she needs to act or do or be something to ensure it doesn't happen. NOW I realise that that's crap. But I'm forty!

Even the house - have I done all the work to the house to ensure that there is nothing he can point to and say "that's wrong". Et voila - that's another component of the right/wrong thing I struggle with so much. It's not my right/wrong. It's that I fear that my dad will point, say it's wrong and give me a lifelong judgement.

I mean why? Why did he feel the need to judge my friends when I'd bring them home. Even when I was married? Why? Why? Why? You selfish miserable git. Now I realise, as I've stopped seeing my dad, that I am still carrying this childish version of my dad on my shoulder who I fear will still judge.

And that's got to stop. From now. Dad, this person that sits on my shoulder, based on my childhood fears, you still stop and desist. You will get the fuck out of here. Out of my life. I don't want you, you are nothing good or lovely. There is nothing redemptive about you. So fuck off. Get lost. I don't want you in my life, in my space, in my family. Get!

I was really encouraged though that I was able to go to this place, work it through with my wife listening, cry, sob, get angry, feel and communicate it. I think it's a powerful thing that I've never seen before in this context.

So now, what I want to do is to live my life without that judging shadow on my shoulder. I can relax because he is not there. I don't have to fear that my family, nor ME, will be judged in that way. Clearly there is still more work to be done in this area - but I'm encouraged nevertheless..

So - the final thing I realised was that I am scared stiff that he will make a judgement and pronounce it on my life. As a result I work hard on creating a layer which is acceptable to him. As such there are two of me, the real me, and the me that I work hard at presenting to my dad to make me more acceptable.

How crap is that? So. Firstly, my dad is not there in judgement. He doesn't mean to be, but even if he is he doesn't have that power over me. Secondly, I can lay down the performance identity. I can just be me, and relax. No one is judging me.

No one is judging me.

Sigh. Deep. No one is judging me. I am not in a spotlight, with a judge waiting for me to get it wrong, who will then pronounce judgement. God is not like that. And my image of dad is not doing that, and has no power over me.

No one is judging me.

That means I am free. I am free to be me. I can be me without fear of judgement. I can walk anywhere I please, do anything I please, think anything I please without fear of judgement. I can spend my time doing anything I please. I am free...

If I'm running there is no one watching me. If I am in a meeting, or talking to my daughters. There is no one watching me. If I am taking photos, or writing, or fishing. It matters not where I place, how good I am, it doesn't matter. For the only person who is really interested in that is me. Not my dad. Not a loveless harsh judge..

No one judging me. Meaning I am FREE!