I don't have a life

It's been difficult for my wife and I over the last months, with highs and lows. It came to a head this last week when my wife said that although she understood that what I was struggling with was a result of my childhood, and that I was going to therapy to resolve, nevertheless it wasn't pleasant to live with. It was like living with a teenager who only wanted to do their own thing, couldn't emotionally connect and couldn't stand to be with her.

And she's right.

So we agreed that I would do my thing. I would sleep in the spare room, I wouldn't go for a walk with her every day, etc.

I am about 2-3 days in. And actually I've found it a lot easier. I get up, I go down stairs, have breakfast, then work out what I am going to do for the day. I've been to the gym, started decorating the dining room, I haven't been on a walk with her, I've been to the gym on my own..

And I've started to realise that I am living a shadow life. I don't have a life of my own. Everything I do from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep is driven by my wife. Or rather driven by my fear of my wife. Yet it is not my wife who is at fault. She is soft, gentle, not harsh or dominating. It's my internal fears which drive this. As a result I am not initiating anything, I don't have my own mind, I don't do anything. Everything is always a reaction of what she is doing or not doing.

If she is watching TV I am free for as long as she watches it. If she is on her laptop, I can go on mine. If she is reading I can relax. But if she is just sitting there, or wants to do something, then I have to too. And it's exhausting. And I don't have my own life. The moment I want to do something for me I feel guilty.

What sort of life is that? I feel that she always wants me to do things with her. It's true that if she wants to see a friend, I have to take her. If she wants to see family, I have to take her. If she wants to go into town, I have to take her and tag along with her. If she wants to go for a walk, I have to go with her. If she wants a drink, in fact do anything, it's me she does it with.

Now that's not right either. It's not balanced. And I feel that I do it for two reasons. The first being that I owe her for the years I've not been there, and secondly I guess because I now feel guilty. Maybe they are the same.

Could it be that when we first got married we weren't like this. But we became like this for lots of reasons;
1. We were Christians which implied a sense of expectation of what married life would be like. We had to be perfect at it - so we did everything together.
2. My background, set by my parents/church also defined very clearly what we should be like. For me getting married was a form of salvation from my parents.
3. My wife didn't get an emotional connection from me - she would say when our second was born. As a result she tried harder and harder to get one from me- in the end trying to get it by wanting to spend more time with me?
4. My wife became more and more starved of life in the sense of her doing what she was created to, as well as looking after children which was tough for her - especially whilst carrying round her mum with her which she has been sorting in therapy. At one point she lost all her confidence and relied heavily on me to help her get to places. Therefore, in a sense, her only hope became me - and in part I was able to help by taking her places. Did this lead to some sort of dependency?
5. The longer we were married, and certainly when my second daughter was born suddenly I was confronted with need - much in the same way as I was when I grew up - my sisters and mum needing me. The reminder was too strong which caused me to put even bigger barriers and defences..

The end result is where we are now.

I also realised the other day, and I think I wrote about it, that I have created a "safe zone" during childhood which I retreat to when I feel under attack of any kind. And I feel under attack from my wife. No sex. She cried on our wedding night when she saw my dick. That kind of started something I think.. She felt physically sick everytime I went anywhere near her. Making love to her was like making love to cardboard. She detested it, detested me? It has changed over the years, but she has always said that there was something wrong with me. Not my capability - not that at all - but something else that has made her feel like, at times, a prostitute, a lump of flesh.. she would put it down to a lack of emotional connection.

She was mentally very clear and lucid, in fact her intelligence was her defence. She could argue anything - though never maliciously. She was always pointing out things that I had done wrong. I couldn't plan holidays - for they were never right. She wanted adventure and travel, I wanted rest and relaxation. I would try and arrange something with the girls, but it wouldn't be practical. Then she would arrange cycling, and I'd be left with the youngest one at five - who didn't want to cycle and was a complete mare.. not much fun that..

So as I look back, even casually, there has been a lot wrong. Or rather a lot to contend with. A lot of issues which have never been resolved. And as I write this I feel my insides starting to churn thus proving I am touching on deep and painful areas. I fear the churn - for it saps my energy. Yet I must feel it, allow it to have it's free course, for it is only by such manner that I can be freed from it. "The thing about a feeling is that it needs to be feeled before it can go".

So. I don't have a life for I am living in fear of.. what? My wife? In a way yes, for I fear that she will reject me. But ultimately it must be that I fear my dad.