Help - I'm trapped!

I'm trapped. Trapped. Alone and trapped. Trapped by myself. Trapped by my past. I'm trapped. I can't get out. I can't do what I want. I do what I don't want to. I want to love my wife, but feel trapped by her. I want to live a fully life but am too trapped to be able to. I am trapped. Trapped by fear. Trapped by rejection. Trapped. Trapped..

I just feel trapped.. If my wife is in the house, and I am in the house, I feel trapped. I feel that I need to do something, be with her, do something for her, be there for her, be busy, do something. I can't allow myself to thing an original thought, feel an original feeling. I don't have any convictions, never mind the courage of my convictions.

Why? Who cares why - it sucks and is bloody awful. I want to be with my wife, and my wife can be soft and gentle towards me, yet I feel my insides rise up in fear. I can't do it. Trapped. Fear. Rejection. Insecurity. I am going to get it wrong.

These fears override every sane thought, every rational scheme. I recoil. I hide. I want to escape. I want to get out, get away, get some time and space for me.

It means I am living a shadow life. I life without me being in the centre. A life of fear - despite how it looks from the outside. I am not free to be me.

My wife is in the other room on the phone talking to her sister. So I now feel a bit of freedom to do what I want - except I am not. Half of me wants to go on the xbox - but I fear her reaction if I do. She may not say anything, but nevertheless she will convey her thoughts to me. Or I will read her body language. She can't stand the xbox for she feels it's pure escapism, and that she doesn't like the person I become whilst I am on it.

And that's typical. From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep I am constantly on alert, constantly checking for my wife's reaction, reading her body language, not daring to step out of line. Not daring for me to be me..

I daren't be me. Even if I knew who I was - still I wouldn't. It can only be because of my bloody father. That inside I still have a boy who is scared stiff. Scared that he will come in and tell me off. That he will shout at me for no reason. I have to please him or else he will make my life hell. Miserable. Like a POW camp commander. I have no power, no movement, no freedom. I do what he wants me to do and when he wants me to do it. If I don't the consequences are too awful to think about. For it would mean utter crushingness.

I don't want to be like this. I don't want to live in a shadow land, without real choices, fearing my wife. And presumably my girls, and those I work with, and my friends and more... how crap is that? That such fear would hold me so tightly? In every respect.

Me. Consumed by fear, in every area of my life. The reality of that is pounding me like a storm tossed wave. Me. Consumed by fear. Fear of those who are closest to me. That they want to trap me. So they can't ask anything from me - they can't be needy. For if they are needy the life will be sucked out of me - and I must defend myself.

Fear.

Fear my wife will want me to move out. Fear that my girls will think I'm a shmuck. Fear that I will lose any remaining creditability. Fear. Fear prohibiting me from being me. Fear. Rancid fear. Gut wrenching fear. Paralysing fear.

FEAR. I DON'T WANT YOU IN MY LIFE! It's tantamount to shouting at my dad, "dad, I don't want you in my life".

Fucking bloody hell. My dad once again. Not only did I have to live through it the first time, I now realise that I have been living with him ever since. In my mind. In my insides. In every decision, every thought, every feeling, every defence, every relationship. Fear. Abuse. Anger. Control. Domination. Rejection. All birthed by my dad within me, a defenceless baby boy growing up into an adult.

FERAAER jkl

And the impact is not just on me, but on my wife, my girls, everything.

It's just not fair. Insiduous fear. Ingrained fear.