I hate religion.. including my dad's christianity

I'm still realising just how dominating my dad was. Overnight I had a dream where my wife and I went to visit a church for some reason. We met what turned out to be the pastor's son who was also married. He was very enthusiastic. We then met his dad, who was very dominating. At some point he prayed for the son in such a way that showed he was in total control (hands on, pushing etc until the son went "down"). That, along with other things showed us the score.

My wife started to tell the pastor exactly what she thought of him, but I stopped her. I wanted to explain our backgrounds first in order to try and build some kind of rapport, confidence in us otherwise there was no way they would be able to hear us. I realised however that they would not be able to hear what we were saying regardless..

And this so ties in with my experience. My dad was the pastor, I was the son. I don't remember him praying for me in such a way that I had no choice other than to fall down.. but the strength of control and influence he had over me was the same. And I shudder.

Over the last few weeks I feel as if I am pulling further and further away from my parent's religion. I hate it. It's all about show, all about "decisions", "they got saved" - justifying their lives. Where is the truth? The grace? The zoe kind of life? In fact what Jesus talked about..

And there's my beef right there. Church. God. Christians. ABC - accept, believe and confess and you are in. As if the way, the truth and the life can be summarised and packaged into a formula.

It's NOT why Jesus came. He came to bring truth, was the embodiment of truth.. in that way he was the truth. But those who think that by a simple mutter of "Jesus is Lord" gives them a one way super fast ticket to heaven?? I can't see it. They are deluded in the same way that Catholics are deluded by wearing a patron saint necklace or uttering so many Ave Marias..

What happened to the narrow road? The sheep and the goats? Working out our own salvation with trembling and fear? Hearing wisdom crying out on the street corner and doing all we can to take her? Grace. Truth. Life. It's not about listening to some chap called a minister droning at us every Sunday morning week after week month after month year after year. Can you imagine Jesus doing that?

In fact, he flew at the religious leaders as if they were the devil's own pawns. The religious crowd wanted to stone the adulteress, Jesus merely told her to go and sin no more. He didn't get her to recite some magic formula - repeat after me - "Jesus died for me so that I can go to heaven, and I confess him as my Lord". No crap he did. He saw her. He touched her. He extended grace. Real grace - not some religious hyperbole, not some I' m now being kind to you because you are a lesser person.. no. He saw her, touch her, sent her own her way.

Wasn't that the way he did it? Did he get his disciples together every Sunday for a preach? Not at all. Even his preaches were not preaches in the way we hear them today. He reached out to the common people. Real people, going about their daily lives. Not to get them to join some church, the cell group - or any other such institution. No - he reached out to them, saw them, had compassion upon them, then spoke truth. Regardless of how it would be accepted, he saw them, had compassion, and was truth. It was up to the hearer how they would respond. Whether it would be the birds, sun, weeds or soil that would claim them..

He was no different down here, than he will be on judgement day. On judgement day he will see, he will have compassion, and he will speak truth.

Now tell me, what is my and your experience of church? Of christians? Is their reaction the same as Jesus'? They see you, they have compassion (which is not the same as looking down on in pity), do they speak truth, act truthfully?

Surely this is what God is looking for - living according to his purpose? Not some imprisoned bunch of christians who if they miss going to church fear the fact that they are backsliding. They may be - but then again they may not be. Why are they going to church? Is church their salvation? If they don't meet with other christians does that mean they are going to hell? Backsliding?

It's all crap. Show me a church who encourages truth. God's truth - not in the sense of some theological discussion, but in the sense of knowing life, God's kind of life, being able to really see others. Have compassion - true compassion - from the heart - not some holier than thou sort of compassion..

Encouraging those who go to work out their own salvation. That they can exist without the church. That God is looking for a heart after him - which is not measured in how many meetings, or how much they give, or how many soup runs they do, or how many doors they knock on. Jesus wasn't looking for any of that. He was looking for.. what... freedom. A freedom from sin. From guilt. A response to God's heart of love. Love. Joy. Truth. Peace.

Able to live joyfully through the pain and hardship of life. No matter what. To know deep and honest and truthful and life giving relationships with others. Not to shy away from pain, from difficult areas, from wrong thinking or painful experiences. But to know life, truth and grace therein.. God's life truth and grace. A resting grace. At peace. Real deep down peace. A quality of life which is not available unless you enter through the door of truth, taking the narrow road towards hope which shines bright.

You don't need me to tell you this. You know it already. God's spirit testifies to it within your heart. It's not about Sunday mornings, or cells, or bible studies, or even prayer meetings. It's not about reading your Bible. It's about a relationship. It's about truth. Real truth. About everything. Nothing hidden, ancient templates exploded. How we see ourselves, how we see others, how other's see us. God's grace, truth and life.

I'm waffling. And yet I must write.

So much frustration. It is NOT about church. It is not about following the minister. Being accountable to him for your life. Bollocks. God is your saviour. Where's truth? Do NOT follow a man, or woman. They are human. Foster your relationship with truth. Do not hide from truth. Not just in terms of God - but in terms of your life. How you live it. What you fear, your pain, what you hide.. not because there is a judgemental God who wants to punish you, but rather because there is no law against truth, with grace.

The difficult road, path, walk. Are you hiding? Not wanting God to oh so gently reach into your pain and help you along the path of healing? Instead we turn our faces, mount our defences and justify our actions. And as such we turn from the grace of truth, and the truth of grace.

Go and see a therapist. Go for counselling. We see doctors for physical ailments but aren't willing to see a counsellor for emotional pain.. WHY NOT?

blah blah blah blah...

Regardless, I don't like my dad's religion.

Brief update - spiritually..

I'm pretty much recovered physically now - after having had twelve months off work - which is nice!

Spiritually - same as before. I believe in truth, joy and life. Jesus was the embodiment of all those things, but I have no time whatsoever for church, church ministers or even, probably, many Christians. I just can't agree with the ABC approach - Accept, Believe, Confess, and you are in. It goes against the principles of truth and wisdom. The narrow and the wide path. Picking up your cross daily. Seeking knowledge and wisdom.... in fact I think Christians are in the main no different to non christians - sometimes worse because they believe they posses the whole truth and as such despise everyone else...

So.. there you have it. To say what I say above goes so against the grain of how I was brought up that it seems as if I was brainwashed or belonged to some sort of cult or sect... so puling away from it is hard in itself..

More hard work

First of all - it's going a lot better. I'm still going to the gym 2-4 times a week. Therapy has been going well. I've started doing odds and bits for my company - like interviewing, sorting out final year accounts, starting to do a bit of networking.. on the home front I've started a business plan for the farm my wife wants.

We've also chosen to get a dog - and picked the litter today. Six weeks today and we will have a fox red Labrador!

So - why hard work?

If my wife starts to talk to me - and it's about me - then it triggers catastrophe. A bit like the following;

* My wife says that I am not able to do x, or weren't able to do y, or did z - all of which I see as negative
* I immediately start yo cringe on the inside. Panic, fear, alarm, defended - all kicks in. At times I can feel that I want to run away.

Through therapy my therapist has suggested that this is a trigger (CBT term). That I need to attack it.. What evidence have I got for it being right. What is a more balanced thought. She's not attacking me. She's not saying I have got it wrong. She's not trying to get one over on me. She's not trying to dominate me. Instead she is wanting to express how she feels on something, something important. She loves me. She is not wanting to hurt me. She is not wanting to dominate or anything else. Instead she wants to be able to convey how she feels about something. I don't need to be defensive. I don't need to fear...

And how are my feelings now? Well - a bit better - but still I am having to fight. My therapist said that it will take time as this is so ingrained...

So I will keep working at it. I can't believe how tough it feels at times.

Future - what could I do?

So if the future were not to include me working for my own company - which I've done - then what?

Here is a top of my head list;

• Work with children who have been adopted/fostered - those who have not been parented properly. I wouldn't want to work with disabled children. My aim would be to help them in life, building confidence, self esteem and self worth.
  

• Mentor/coach business owners/directors, pastors/ministers. Those who lead/direct organisations. The purpose of the coaching/mentoring would be to enable them to be better leaders - helping them to push through their own barriers.
  
  
• Provide troubleshooting consultancy to companies - very fast turnarounds, sorting out sales, operations, management and staff issues. Maximum six month engagements.
  
  
• Continue to make money because I'm good - the results of which enable the above.
  
  
• Take regular time off, for reflection, recuperation, hobbies. Fishing, shooting, walking holidays, outdoors (not to include camping! I need a shower and a bed!). Use this time for me, for me and my wife, my girls if they want to be a part, then wider family (nephews/nieces).
  
  

Automatic Thoughts & Corresponding Actions

A key tenant in cognitive behavioural therapy appears to be arresting the automating process between an event which triggers an automatic thought with the following behaviour.

The way it does this, as I've written before, is;

TRIGGER EVENT (.e.g my wife is quiet in the car)
|
AUTOMATIC THOUGHT (I've done something wrong)
|
IMMEDIATE FEELING (Alarm, panic, fear, guilt, trapped)
|
PHYSICAL IMPACT (insides twist, pensive, defensive)
|
RESULTING BEHAVIOUR (Go on the defensive, or loop above)

CBT allows you to realise that we feel the way we do because of the automatic thought - NOT because of the trigger. So if we can break the power of the automatic thought we won't feel the same feelings etc.

Key questions to ask include;

What evidence do I have that I am right?
What evidence do I have that I am wrong?
How may someone else see it?
Do I now have an alternative way of seeing this?
If not - what makes me so special?
What more balanced thought do I end up with?

This simple process, which does require that someone is able to actually know what they are feeling (which itself may require some work), is very effective.

I felt extremely trapped by being with my wife. If I was in the car, in the house, she asked if I wanted to go for a walk, or do something, or go somewhere, or indeed started talking to me, I would panic. My automatic thought would go along the lines "I'm wrong, I'm not allowed to get this wrong, I've got it wrong". This would lead, ultimately, to a sense of being trapped - for there was no way out. I then thought my wife was trapping me -whereas all along it was me.

Five or so weeks later and there has been a big change. For by challenging these thoughts has meant a huge difference... There's still work to do, further enforcing, as well as moving further into my life (trigger situations) and challenging other automatic thoughts..

I can't believe how simple and yet effective it is..

And as I work through this maybe I can apply it to my future too - I.e. not being afraid of repeating the mistakes of the past..

The Past, The Future and The Present

Just read a book called "The Present" by Spencer Johnson. He also wrote the book "Who Moved My Cheese?". A simple and easy to read book illustrating life truths through a story.

The Present is about being able to live in the moment, whilst learning lessons from the past but not living in the past, and planning for the future but living in the moment working towards the future. I.e. it's about the present.

Over the last 18 months I have been focusing on learning from the past in order to be able to live better in the present. What I have not given much consideration too is the future. What is it I want? It's as if I have been so driven in the past towards achieving this magic future, that I am now afraid to think about the future for I do not want to be driven.

I guess that where I need to LEARN from the past, in order not to repeat the past. I do not want to be driven. I want to be able to live in the present. So this is a challenge to me, maybe the next step on my journey. What do I want in the future? What would a wonderful future look like? Then plan for it, working in the moment towards that goal whilst living in the present.

At the moment, I have no future. I want to be.. but I also want to keep developing. So this is something I need to give some serious thought too...

Western & Eastern Religions & love - Erich Fromm

Reading a very interesting book at the moment. "The Art of Loving" by Erich Fromm. First published in 1957, the author died in 1980. He talks about love being an activity, as in "standing in" love, rather than love being showered on an object - as in "falling in" love. He is very persuasive, and I like the way he writes. Reminds me a little of Scott M Peck in "Road Less Travelled".

He talks about love being the ultimate goal of self development (suggesting that therapy's motto of "Know thyself" should not be an end unto itself, but a stepping stone to the ability to love). It's a fascinating read.

The need to experience a union as a result of the separateness we feel. The role of mother, father, maturing to the point we become our own father and mothers. And that ultimately, love is a sign of maturity. Love of self, love of those close to us, love of friends, love of strangers, the poor and downtrodden - are all facets of a mature person. If someone doesn't love the stranger, then they have no love. That we love because we ourselves are "rich" - rich in the sense that we have something to give and give liberally. A "poor" person in this context being someone who does not posses the ability (richness) to be able to give (love) to others.

I am struck by how much of this is biblical.

He then discusses the love of God in the same vein. And here it is interesting for it differs from the teaching I've received. He argues that love for God follows in the same vein as our early dependence upon our mother, followed by our father, before becoming our own father and mother. I.e. before we are born we are one with the mother, yet separate. As we begin to grow up we realise that we are separate from our mum, yet her love for us is unconditional as we came from her. At an early age we start to move away from our mother and our father becomes more important. His love is dependant upon our behaviour. He represents rule, authority, the outside world. As we continue to mature we take on our own responsibility and in that sense we become our own father and mother.

In the same way immature religion is where we are dependant upon the "mother" God (matriarchal). The all embracing, all caring, gracious, unconditional love which we can do nothing to sever. As we continue to mature we sway towards the patriarchal God - the Father God - whom we must please, with rules and judgement. To please him we must do as he wishes. As religion continues to mature, the notion that _we_ become like God, in the sense that we carry the responsibility ourselves. I.e. We don't look to God as the one who wipes our bums, nor the one to whom we must bow and scrape. Instead we realise that we are like God, or, in a sense, God and us are one.

He argues that the western philosophy is based on Aristotle, whereas Eastern religions are based on paradoxical logic. So western holds that if X is A, X is not A. Paradoxical thought states that X and be A and not A. The Western world, based on it's philosophy, has made thought and science the two ruling guides. If something can not be proved it cannot be so. Western religions are "thought" based. I please God by following dogma (E.g. Catholicism). Eastern religions have done the opposite, and are based on transformation- knowing God experientially in order to become one with him.

Interestingly, he argues that western religion; in the sense of defining who God is, is based on what He isn't. Even Eastern religion is along the same lines. Here's the question - how can we know God? I don't mean this is the way a Christian would ask "Do you know God" - I mean being able to explain God. Moses asked God for his name as the Israelites needed a name to be able to objectify God in the same way they had their idols. What was God's answer? 'I AM WHO I AM BECOMING'. Another paraphrase would be "The nameless one". I don't have a name. You cannot know it. It is too great, too wonderful, so far away above your comprehension, that a name in our human terms means nothing. I, I AM. We define God by using contradictions, or negatives. God is not human (using a negative). He doesn't sleep. Hmm. This hard is hard to explain here - read the book!

And yet..

I believe that my _experience_ of God (I live in the UK!), or rather my relationship with God, is based on both. If I had thought only, where would the change be? How would I experience union, true oneness with something so loving that it takes my breath away? For me, maybe this is why I hate my perception of religion so much. There is so much emphasis on doing. Cell groups, worship, needing to be like everyone else, certain behaviours. Where is the power? The risk taking? The experience of a loving God? In fact the New Testament says that we can only know God spiritually. This is NOT mind or thought. Neither is is doing - as in activity. So neither thought nor mind allows us to know God.

What does eastern religions teach us? Apparently one aspect of the paradoxical logic is that it matters not what our current thoughts are, only that we want to continue to develop. In that way there are "many paths to God". An example is used of three blind men explaining an elephant. One, touching his trunk, explains a water pipe. The other his ears says an elephant is like a fan. The third feeling his leg explains an elephant is like a pillar. This line of thinking means that eastern religions are more tolerant - they don't mind so much where you are up to in your thinking for it is your transformation which is important. Western religions have centred on dogmas - leading to the notions of wrong thinking - or heretics. Burning at the stake, schisms and church splits.

He argues that ultimate maturity is that in a sense we cannot know God. Instead we become like him. He and I become one. The more we know, the less we know. The more we claim to know, the more ignorant we are. The less we know we know, the more we know... I know confusing. That's a paradox. And that's the point... but that in so doing, we also become more loving. We are able to love every human being because God is in every human being. We are all one. The stranger, the orphan, the homeless, the poor, the aids vicitim, the african with swollen tummy, as well as our family, those close to us, and ourselves.

I find this stuff very challenging. I also know that I can not, currently at least, agree with much that goes on in many churches. Well meaning people, serving God as if he were an idol, or a tyrannical father ready to beat them. Belonging is more important than transformation. Dogma more important than transformation. I hate it.

So - where am I?

Over the last months or year, I have been on a journey. And a journey where I don't know where I will end up. From being a charismatic, enthusiastic Christian who believes every word in the Bible literally being instrumental in seeing many others become Christians (in the sense of professing a believe in Jesus Christ and desiring a personal relationship with him), I am becoming less absolute. I find much of organised religion putrid. Including charismatic evangelical churches. Sure, much good is done in the sense of helping the poor (is there a greater calling?) by a relative few. But all the dogma and rules and need to conform that goes with it - yuuck!

I find myself challenging myself on all manner of areas which before were sacrosanct. Is Jesus the ONLY way to God in the way that evangelicals believe. The ABC of the gospel - Admit your wrongdoing, Believe Jesus is Lord and Confess he is so.. Seems so trite. Where's the transformation? Where's the "you will know them be their fruit"? Where's the power which follows the words? Surely if there is no transformation, no fruit, no power - then their religion however firmly held is useless?

I have seen many lives transformed. As people have tentatively reached out to God. Wanting him to be there. Experiencing his love, those first few steps being rewarded with unimaginable grace. Change. Power. Transformation! It's one of the most wonderful things to behold - a fellow human being being changed by grace. And yet it happens too little in too many churches. The early love is restrained by wrong thinking, wrong teaching, a need to conform and adhere to century old dogmas which have no basis in scripture. The result is love lost. "You have lost your first love".

Oh God - save me, save us. I want reality. Truth. Transformation - not to be a miracle worker, but an object of beauty. Joy. Grace, able to love the unlovely from a place of love - not religion.


How can church be God's bride? I don't understand...

CBT - Huge impact!

Ok - so there I was feeling so trapped anytime I was anywhere near my wife. Four weeks of two sessions a week with a new therapist where she has got me to focus on;

What specific feelings I feel (I refer to a list)
Triggers with automatic thoughts, feelings, physical feelings then behaviour
Then to start questioning the automatic thoughts

Et voila! I am a NEW man!

I have found that in the last week or so I have had no problem in feeling trapped with my wife. And what's more, crucially, I've started to pick up on her defences and triggers. She claimed I was not giving an emotional connection but now I realise that I AM giving an emotional connection, but it is my wife that is unable to maintain it under certain conditions. She felt I was being dominating in some areas but it turns out she feels threatened therefore me being the centre of my circle was extremely threatening.

It's been an amazing week! Sex, trip to Birmingham shopping with lots of talking, talking over breakfast, tea... pushing back and highlighting where maybe my wife was struggling. Where a trigger was causing negative thoughts with resulting anxiety and panic for her..

And it is SO different!

I'm still going to gym and starting to build muscle and some definition. Still can't run as I have what I believe to be tendinitis in my knees from laying loft insulation - but I think that's getting better too.. I'm taking super whey protein (maximuscle) to help with muscle gain. Already my wife is noticing the difference too meaning more scope for fancying me.

We've talked about oral sex, how she feels about my dick (she feels that I am threatening and wanting to dominate her - an example of a trigger with negative thinking), making sex/love, her being visible, her showing her feelings, he being allowed to know how she feels... it all resulted in mind blowing sex about two hours ago. She wore this lovely black satin negligee, suspenders, black high heels, no knickers... then struck a pose allowing me to see all........

Oh my..

HIstory - no room for me. Or anyone else

I've spent the last two hours reviewing the homework my therapist had given me. I've finished my life's timeline - and realised a number of things. I've also completed my "triggers" in which I write what happens as a trigger, what my automatic thought is, Immediate feeling, physical feeling and resulting behaviour.

So - what have I realised from my lifeline?

1. I have been so focused on trying desperately to do what I thought was right, that I've forgotten to do what was right.. so I've chased church and work, and forgotten me (I have to write me, though I wouldn't otherwise), my wife and my girls. My wife has tried so hard to follow me, support me, and yet where was I leading her to? Oblivion. Desolation. Dead end. Devastation. Exhaustion. Plus I've lost a number of years from my oldest daughter, is that a cause for some of her aloofness?

2. That the best and happiest times were when I wasn't involved in church. For that's when I had time - apart from of course when I wasn't doing the company. When my oldest was born for example, that was a wonderful time. We'd just left one church and were in a vacuum. So I had energy, and spent it on my oldest. That makes me cry, for I feel upset, grief, joy..

Then the triggers - they all go something like;

Trigger: My wife wants to talk to me
Immediate thought: She's going to tell me I'm getting it wrong, or done something wrong
Immediate feeling: Unease, panic, fear, tension, inadequate, guarded, insecure, threatened, timid, vulnerable, defeated, helpless, worried, immobilised, powerless, stuck,trapped, worthless
Physical feeling: Tension, pressure, guts wringing, want to defend myself, ready to disconnect
Behaviour: I listen because cos I have to - I want to be a good dad & husband. I want to be open
and supportive. So I listen.. To a point. If I stopped her (historically) & she blew up & I wouldn't be able to handle that.

So - any time my wife wants to do anything with me - this is how I feel. And it feels horrible!

My poor wife. And poor me.

Seperation from wife = catastrophe

For years now I have been living under the almost constant fear that my wife would either a) move out, or more likely, b) ask me to move out. Four/five years ago she said it had to change and if she had the money she would have moved out to a flat. Just thinking back to how desperate it was back then is a horrible feeling (I feel grief, upset, horrible, distraught, miserable, without hope, wounded).

Then last summer she told me she was going to see a solicitor to see what her options were. I really thought that was it. And since then the feeling of absolute dread increased and grew. CATASTROPHE!

It's as if I have been living under a constant cloud of FEAR - that she would ask me to move out with immediate effect.

Last Thursday/Friday it came to a head. She'd asked me to sleep in another bedroom, and I was enjoying it - FREEDOM! But, it also meant I wasn't doing the normal things I used to - such as going walking with her, talking etc.

I couldn't sleep Thursday night and my mind was racing till around 3am. Separation. What would it mean? What would it look like? And I came to the conclusion that it would not be all bad. There would be advantages - primarily that I would not feel trapped! Friday I spent with my mum (!) which I need to write about. That went very well and I was very very honest, and emotional with her. She apologised for the hurt that had been caused. She was very sweet. Then I had a therapy session Friday night, then I went out with my excellent mate Chris. We went for a curry, then another drink, then another. And a very long chat.

I was feeling very emotional about my wife and seperating. Sad, confused, afraid, crushed. I beared my soul.

And I came to a conclusion. It would not be a catastrophe! There would be lots of upsides - namely that I wouldn't feel the same sense of being trapped anymore. I would be free to do as I liked without feeling constantly on guard, uncomfortable, nervous, panicky etc. And that I would welcome! In fact, as I've thought about it, why would I stay with her, apart from the girls, if being with her makes me feel like that?

And I am not blaming her (because I daren't get it wrong?) - for I recognise that whomever I was with it would be the same. So unfortunately my wife is suffering yet again because of my childhood. But I have to work through this, and no longer do I want to do it for her, I want to do it for me. So I have to ask myself difficult questions - like do I want to stay with my wife?

Right now I am not sure. I'm pretty sure I love her still - but I can't see beyond my fear right now. It's overwhelming. So I need some time, but I am starting to feel some hope that I can work through this. Just realising how much emotions/feelings I really do feel is actually also extremely helpful - for it helps me to see where I am at, the reality of my current situation which actually sucks in the things that matter - namely how I feel, how my relationship with my wife is, and then wider to the girls, work, hobbies etc.

So - some relief, though also a realisation of crap I am actually feeling, and for how long I've been feeling it..

The difficult path - and fear

I've been seeing Valerie now for around 4 weeks. In total around 7-8 times. And it is completely different. It's much much easier than seeing Bob my first therapist. It was as if I was playing some kind of game with him. Control, intellectual.. and it was horrible.

Valerie is totally different. Normal would be the first word I'd use, followed by friendly, supportive, on my side, sympathetic, empathetic, explanatory... in a word normal.

She has asked me to do a timeline - from birth to date. Key events, key thoughts, and how I felt in the form of a graph superimposed over the top. The first thing that struck me is that I've not been actually happy for large parts of my life - but never before have I been allowed to see that. Secondly, it was when I was adding 18-21, arriving at University and meeting my wife to be that I started to feel upset and cried a little.

Why? Because I currently feel trapped, and because that was when I first got trapped. There I was, desperate to escape my parents, so within 3 months of arriving at uni I'm trapped again. None of this is my wife's fault. But the feeling was the same nevertheless.

And how we met, and now thinking about it - I feel my insides seize.

I am coming to the conclusion that I have lived all my life in fear. Fear of getting it wrong. So - that would apply the most with my wife since I left home. Then to my girls. Presumably then with any managers at work (which would be why I ended up going it alone)...

Valerie said to me that when I was at home I was not allowed to have emotions. Emotions weren't allowed. So I have no real idea of what my emotions are. So she's encouraged me to take more notice of my emotions - what is it that I feel and to that end she has given me a list of "feeling words". So - under Afraid there is the following - let's see how they fit..

Fear. Panic. Unsure. On the edge. Radar constantly in motion. Unable to get it right. Paralysed. Debilitated. Alarmed, apprehensive, anxious, cautious in the sense of my relationships - especially with my wife - and probably my girls. Desperate - to get it right, to not be wrong. Fearful of getting it wrong. Frantic in my attempts to ensure safety for me. Frightened. Guarded - oh so guarded, for again if I get it wrong - It's the end. Horrified when I realised that I had got something wrong. Insecure within my relationship with my wife, and to an extent my girls. Intimidated.. yes, by my wife as she was so good at verbalising how she felt, or what she thought was wrong.

Nervous - of getting it wrong. Nervous of being found out for getting it wrong. Overwhelmed when I did get it wrong. Panicky when I thought I was getting it wrong (which includes when my wife tells me I am getting it wrong). Petrified of getting it wrong - that my wife would walk out on me, that I would get something so disastrously wrong. Scared. Shaken. Tense terrified? Bollocks, yes. When I've got it wrong, or fear I am about to get it wrong. For example when I lost the keys to the car when I was 18, and had to call dad to come and get me. I was absolutely terrified. That is a common feeling then, even with my wife.

Threatened - yes. Timid - no one would know it, but I am timid with my wife. Oh crap this is hurting now. Timid - in that I don't suggest things, daren't suggest things, daren't get it wrong, daren't risk things in context to our relationship or as a family. Crap what a way to live. Twenty bloody years as an adult, never mind as a kid. That's really really crap. Crap for me. Crap for my wife. Crap for my girls. CRAP!

Uncomfortable. YES! Uncomfortable with my wife. In my own house. In my own living room. If she's in the hoyse I feel SO uncomfortable. On holiday is a joke - for we are thrown together with no escape. My wife hates it. I hate it - for I CAN NOT get it right. And thinking about it that's what this sabbatical has been like. And every time I have tried to do something just for me, such as fishing which I loved doing on blue sky days, my wife would tell me I was treating her like shit. She'd say she had no problem with me going fishing, but the way I was doing it was crap. I didn't get it, and still don't. But I knew I had to get out for me, escape as it were - though not necessarily in a bad way - but of course knowing how she felt I would feel guilty, with all of the following emotions. So even doing something I loved, I was feeling guilty. Then I'd come back home, like a kid coming home knowing his father is waiting... bloody hell.

Uncomfortable - that summarises very well how I feel when I'm at home with my wife. I can NEVER rest, relax, just be.. never.

Unsafe - yes. Very. As above really. Uneasy - a constant feeling. Vulnerable - ouch. Whenever my wife is present I feel vulnerable. Worried - I guess.

Bloody hell fire. I've just gone through a list and found that I feel every one of them. And ALL OF THE TIME. And yet, if I'd looked at that list not that long ago I wouldn't have recognised them as me. Certainly not 2 years ago - don't know how recent.

It's no wonder I have felt SO exhausted, so uncomfortable with my wife, so unable to do anything, with no motivation to do anything. For I have been trapped in a prison of fear - and needing to stay in it because it was "right" or because I loved my wife. She would tell me I wasn't doing something, and it would feed straight into my fear - I'm getting it wrong. I would redouble my efforts, which only fed stronger into my fear, alarm, panic, terror...

No wonder I don't want to be here! No wonder both my wife (who I feel for) and myself have had enough of what it's been like. No wonder I have been unable to sit in the same room as my wife, no wonder I constantly monitor her body language, have tried so hard to do what she wants - I.e. a farm, daily (long) walks, trips out etc. etc. My wife is wanting a normal relationship - but it has just been keeping me and further enforcing my fear.

My problem statement

One of the first things my therapist has asked me to produce is a "problem statement" - a precis of what I believe my problem is. It is as follows;

My problem is that I fear those around me will treat me like my parents and school kids did. That is, that they will seek to dominate and abuse me. I have worked very hard to ensure that doesn’t happen, and am constantly on guard (defended). This is most obvious in my closest relationships – particularly my wife, and to a lesser degree my girls. It stops me from living in the moment. Instead I hide, escape and defend myself. I have used being “right” as a strong defence against my dad, the result being that when I get it “wrong” the guilt can be debilitating. Being wrong equates to catastrophe. I try very hard to get it right. I keep a tally of how much time I’ve spent, or, what I've done with my wife to both protect and justify myself or my position. I am not allowed to just be, or be me.

Help - I'm trapped!

I'm trapped. Trapped. Alone and trapped. Trapped by myself. Trapped by my past. I'm trapped. I can't get out. I can't do what I want. I do what I don't want to. I want to love my wife, but feel trapped by her. I want to live a fully life but am too trapped to be able to. I am trapped. Trapped by fear. Trapped by rejection. Trapped. Trapped..

I just feel trapped.. If my wife is in the house, and I am in the house, I feel trapped. I feel that I need to do something, be with her, do something for her, be there for her, be busy, do something. I can't allow myself to thing an original thought, feel an original feeling. I don't have any convictions, never mind the courage of my convictions.

Why? Who cares why - it sucks and is bloody awful. I want to be with my wife, and my wife can be soft and gentle towards me, yet I feel my insides rise up in fear. I can't do it. Trapped. Fear. Rejection. Insecurity. I am going to get it wrong.

These fears override every sane thought, every rational scheme. I recoil. I hide. I want to escape. I want to get out, get away, get some time and space for me.

It means I am living a shadow life. I life without me being in the centre. A life of fear - despite how it looks from the outside. I am not free to be me.

My wife is in the other room on the phone talking to her sister. So I now feel a bit of freedom to do what I want - except I am not. Half of me wants to go on the xbox - but I fear her reaction if I do. She may not say anything, but nevertheless she will convey her thoughts to me. Or I will read her body language. She can't stand the xbox for she feels it's pure escapism, and that she doesn't like the person I become whilst I am on it.

And that's typical. From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep I am constantly on alert, constantly checking for my wife's reaction, reading her body language, not daring to step out of line. Not daring for me to be me..

I daren't be me. Even if I knew who I was - still I wouldn't. It can only be because of my bloody father. That inside I still have a boy who is scared stiff. Scared that he will come in and tell me off. That he will shout at me for no reason. I have to please him or else he will make my life hell. Miserable. Like a POW camp commander. I have no power, no movement, no freedom. I do what he wants me to do and when he wants me to do it. If I don't the consequences are too awful to think about. For it would mean utter crushingness.

I don't want to be like this. I don't want to live in a shadow land, without real choices, fearing my wife. And presumably my girls, and those I work with, and my friends and more... how crap is that? That such fear would hold me so tightly? In every respect.

Me. Consumed by fear, in every area of my life. The reality of that is pounding me like a storm tossed wave. Me. Consumed by fear. Fear of those who are closest to me. That they want to trap me. So they can't ask anything from me - they can't be needy. For if they are needy the life will be sucked out of me - and I must defend myself.

Fear.

Fear my wife will want me to move out. Fear that my girls will think I'm a shmuck. Fear that I will lose any remaining creditability. Fear. Fear prohibiting me from being me. Fear. Rancid fear. Gut wrenching fear. Paralysing fear.

FEAR. I DON'T WANT YOU IN MY LIFE! It's tantamount to shouting at my dad, "dad, I don't want you in my life".

Fucking bloody hell. My dad once again. Not only did I have to live through it the first time, I now realise that I have been living with him ever since. In my mind. In my insides. In every decision, every thought, every feeling, every defence, every relationship. Fear. Abuse. Anger. Control. Domination. Rejection. All birthed by my dad within me, a defenceless baby boy growing up into an adult.

FERAAER jkl

And the impact is not just on me, but on my wife, my girls, everything.

It's just not fair. Insiduous fear. Ingrained fear.

I don't have a life

It's been difficult for my wife and I over the last months, with highs and lows. It came to a head this last week when my wife said that although she understood that what I was struggling with was a result of my childhood, and that I was going to therapy to resolve, nevertheless it wasn't pleasant to live with. It was like living with a teenager who only wanted to do their own thing, couldn't emotionally connect and couldn't stand to be with her.

And she's right.

So we agreed that I would do my thing. I would sleep in the spare room, I wouldn't go for a walk with her every day, etc.

I am about 2-3 days in. And actually I've found it a lot easier. I get up, I go down stairs, have breakfast, then work out what I am going to do for the day. I've been to the gym, started decorating the dining room, I haven't been on a walk with her, I've been to the gym on my own..

And I've started to realise that I am living a shadow life. I don't have a life of my own. Everything I do from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep is driven by my wife. Or rather driven by my fear of my wife. Yet it is not my wife who is at fault. She is soft, gentle, not harsh or dominating. It's my internal fears which drive this. As a result I am not initiating anything, I don't have my own mind, I don't do anything. Everything is always a reaction of what she is doing or not doing.

If she is watching TV I am free for as long as she watches it. If she is on her laptop, I can go on mine. If she is reading I can relax. But if she is just sitting there, or wants to do something, then I have to too. And it's exhausting. And I don't have my own life. The moment I want to do something for me I feel guilty.

What sort of life is that? I feel that she always wants me to do things with her. It's true that if she wants to see a friend, I have to take her. If she wants to see family, I have to take her. If she wants to go into town, I have to take her and tag along with her. If she wants to go for a walk, I have to go with her. If she wants a drink, in fact do anything, it's me she does it with.

Now that's not right either. It's not balanced. And I feel that I do it for two reasons. The first being that I owe her for the years I've not been there, and secondly I guess because I now feel guilty. Maybe they are the same.

Could it be that when we first got married we weren't like this. But we became like this for lots of reasons;
1. We were Christians which implied a sense of expectation of what married life would be like. We had to be perfect at it - so we did everything together.
2. My background, set by my parents/church also defined very clearly what we should be like. For me getting married was a form of salvation from my parents.
3. My wife didn't get an emotional connection from me - she would say when our second was born. As a result she tried harder and harder to get one from me- in the end trying to get it by wanting to spend more time with me?
4. My wife became more and more starved of life in the sense of her doing what she was created to, as well as looking after children which was tough for her - especially whilst carrying round her mum with her which she has been sorting in therapy. At one point she lost all her confidence and relied heavily on me to help her get to places. Therefore, in a sense, her only hope became me - and in part I was able to help by taking her places. Did this lead to some sort of dependency?
5. The longer we were married, and certainly when my second daughter was born suddenly I was confronted with need - much in the same way as I was when I grew up - my sisters and mum needing me. The reminder was too strong which caused me to put even bigger barriers and defences..

The end result is where we are now.

I also realised the other day, and I think I wrote about it, that I have created a "safe zone" during childhood which I retreat to when I feel under attack of any kind. And I feel under attack from my wife. No sex. She cried on our wedding night when she saw my dick. That kind of started something I think.. She felt physically sick everytime I went anywhere near her. Making love to her was like making love to cardboard. She detested it, detested me? It has changed over the years, but she has always said that there was something wrong with me. Not my capability - not that at all - but something else that has made her feel like, at times, a prostitute, a lump of flesh.. she would put it down to a lack of emotional connection.

She was mentally very clear and lucid, in fact her intelligence was her defence. She could argue anything - though never maliciously. She was always pointing out things that I had done wrong. I couldn't plan holidays - for they were never right. She wanted adventure and travel, I wanted rest and relaxation. I would try and arrange something with the girls, but it wouldn't be practical. Then she would arrange cycling, and I'd be left with the youngest one at five - who didn't want to cycle and was a complete mare.. not much fun that..

So as I look back, even casually, there has been a lot wrong. Or rather a lot to contend with. A lot of issues which have never been resolved. And as I write this I feel my insides starting to churn thus proving I am touching on deep and painful areas. I fear the churn - for it saps my energy. Yet I must feel it, allow it to have it's free course, for it is only by such manner that I can be freed from it. "The thing about a feeling is that it needs to be feeled before it can go".

So. I don't have a life for I am living in fear of.. what? My wife? In a way yes, for I fear that she will reject me. But ultimately it must be that I fear my dad.

New therapist - old hurts

So. I am pushing my wife away again as I feel that she is needing me. She needs me to take her to visit her friends. She needs me to go walking with her. She needs me if she wants to go into town. She needs me if she wants to go and see her family.

And I do all of that.

Then, she tells me that I am not emotionally connected. That we are not doing anything together. I hear this as "she wants more". And I tailspin. She then tells me that I am not doing x & y. or this and that. And my insides go into meltdown.

And yet I know she is soft. She is not my parents. And yet I react to her as if she were. I need to escape. I am with her all day - or at least it feels that way.

So anyway - I can't do this on my own, nor can I do it with my wife, so I've started to see a new therapist - Valerie. I saw her for the first time yesterday - and she is very different to my last therapist. She wasn't on some kind of power game, was down to earth, put me at my ease.. completely unlike my last therapist - which is good. I see her again next week.

I basically feel like I just want to cry. And cry. And yet I find it so difficult. There's been a couple of leaked tears over the last couple of days, but I still can't go to that place. My insides are boiling, reverberating, twisting, alive, telling me all is not well.

When the therapist mentioned in passing that she has done a lot of work with victims of abuse within the family setting I wanted to cry there and then. And yet I don't really believe I was abused - yet clearly I was.

And so, here I am, wanting to escape from my wife whilst not wanting to be rejected by her. I know I love her, and I know that she wants the best for me. And yet I want to escape, dread the sense of duty I still feel, the entrapment that she can't do anything without me.

What do I do? For I am hurting her by being with her, and hurting her when I pull away. When I am with her I hurt myself, and I feel safer when I am away.

Even just saying any of this to her is a no-no. I realise that I learnt very early on to that I was safe provided I stayed within a safety zone defined and dictated by my dad. If I stepped out of that for any reason it meant catastrophe. So I didn't, ever. Too dangerous.

My wife has now moved away from me, as she has done her therapy - and her zone is not longer aligned to mine. And as a result relating to her is dangerous. She wants me to do things which are not within my safety zone, such as.. relate at an emotional level.

Crap and bollocks.

Emotions - and my crap father

Last weekend my wife told me she didn't trust me with the company, and getting her half of the money. She had realised that she had no control by me not selling the company - and that was too difficult a proposition for her to handle. She wanted the money asap. For me it rang alarm bells, making me feel like I'd failed. Catastrophe. For 24-36 hours I was a walking trauma victim. We worked it out by Monday night/Tuesday. On the Monday I went to the gym which helped - and I lifted a lot of weights. But then Tues-today I've felt worn out and exhausted again.

Only now I know it's not the gym - it's the emotional roller coaster I'm on. It's as if something happens in our relationship and I feel a sense of impending doom, literally as if we are at catastrophic status. My insides turn to mush, twisting..

I took my wife to see my youngest sister find a wedding dress on Thursday. It's about one hour twenty minutes away. Only there was a traffic jam five miles from her house which added another hour. I was doing this for my wife, not for my sister. I'd been trying to work out what I would do - but as it turned out the shops were out of town so I just parked and waited. Then my wife was due to meet with a friend a further half hour away. I was going to see her brother in law who I get on with, but he wasn't going to be in. So then I thought I'd see an old school mate who I hadn't seen for 18 years. Then my wife couldn't meet with her friend - so I felt a bit used. Like I was just a taxi service. My sister was negative, didn't want to go wedding dress shopping (she's way overweight).

We'd talked on the way down about our relationship - what's it like to see friends, not see friends, holidays - I can't remember which but the end result I was feeling emotional stirred, then we sat in the queue for an hour only moving 1/2 mile - which still presses a button for me. Realised that being in a car with my dad used to be terrible. If it was just the two of us - it was both an opportunity to have some time with my dad, but also an opportunity to be blasted. Like being in a POW prisoner camp. The worst place to be with no control whatsoever.

So basically the day was pretty tough. I did end up seeing my mate - which was good - for forty minutes as we needed to get back for our girls. But it was tough.

Friday we didn't do anything - and I did some work.

Yesterday my wife wanted again to see her friend. Originally she was going to go shopping in Manchester - what was I going to do? Then she decided to visit her friend at her home (just under 2 hours away) which meant I could go to her brother in laws..

By the time I got back last night I just needed to escape. Turn off.

And now. Now I feel like I want to cry. I have a Hillsong CD on (This is our God).

So, I feel really crap. My guts are squirming as if filled with worms. I have a slight throat ache which interrupts my sleep. The impact is that physically I feel blah... Historically I would have thought it was because I'd stayed up too late, watched something I shouldn't have or whatever. I.e. it was because I'd done something wrong. NOW I realise that no, it's not that at all, it's a reaction to how it was when I was little. And the pain is still in there. And it's horrible, horrible, horrible.

What is it?

Dad. No power. Crushed. The glare. The brooding silence. The clear communication that it was my fault. Nowhere to hide. Isolation. How was it that with just one look I would be so crushed. So rejected. The power he had over me was unbelievable. I fear it even now. I can see it my mind's eye. Often the glare would accompany a one word instruction. "In". "Get in". That was if I was with a friend, or friends. It would mean get in the car. Get into the concentration camp. The POW camp. Lose all my freedom, and live in the same room as the all powerful sadistic mean vicious angry irrational violent man - and yet that doesn't do the feeling I have justice. It's deeper than that - and I know I've written about it before.

Being in the car with dad was like torture. One minute maybe talk about something (I craved his attention) - and yet the next he'd be moody. Maybe cut up by someone or whatever. If we were late he'd speed. We sped everywhere. Trips from the North West to the far reaches of the North East. Three hours each way for a church meeting. Me knowing he would ask me to testify, pray or whatever. Me bricking my pants. The only way to get his favour was to do what he wanted - which was to be part of his calling.

And even in the car I would get the look. I can't believe he taught me to drive - though I know I had no choice. But it was like being with the abuser - teaching you to drive - all the whilst abusing me. The uncontained toxic anger.

ANGER. Directed at me. The murderous look in his eyes and face. It was as if he thought I was threatening him. How could I? How could I possibly threaten him? And yet, there it was, so he would give me a look that said he wished I wasn't there. Somehow. I can't explain it. The effect of it was as if he'd fired a tank missile at me. And I realise now it wasn't just the look, it was the implied threat that came with it. The "If you don't do whatever it is that I am telling you to do now, then I will knock you into next week, literally." And that's what I feared.

So, from a very early age I feared my dad. And not in any good way. In a frightened, desperately frightened child way. In a way that there was no good thing about it. IN a way that no child should feel frightened. There was no sense of safety, of protection, of resting, of chilling. No - being with my dad was the complete opposite. I never knew when he was going to fire his missile into my insides. Presumably it was whenever he felt bad - he needed to blame someone else. Oh, the nearest person appears to be Mark. It matters not he is three years old. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Child cowers, no one protecting him. He stands in the full blast of the roar. No where to run. No where to hide. If I question it, the roar will become teeth. I will be eaten alive.

Fuck that, do whatever he wants and do it quickly. It's far too dangerous to think of doing anything that dad doesn't want me to - for he will roar. And that's bad. So what does dad want me to do? I'll go and do that. I can't play, mess around, be silly, be daft, choose my girlfriends, choose what I want to believe, get angry, get emotional, challenge him (laugh). No. None of that.

Bollocks and crap and fucking fuck. What a codswallop way of parenting. The poor Mark. Didn't have a chance - and as such it's amazing, grace, that he has done so well.

Still so much to work through

I seem to making such good progress on the one hand, and yet there is still what seems like a myriad of stuff to sort and resolve.

I'm going to the gym and going for long walks regularly - which is great. I'm feeling a lot fitter, without being exhausted which is great.

I've made a decision to not sell the company, and instead help to drive greater revenue and profits. I feel good about that.

I've faced the reality of some of the bad decisions I made as Managing Director which resulted in losses. That was a bitter pill to swallow - and am currently working that one through.

I feel I am less defensive towards my wife - so that when she wants to talk about an issue I am not as guarded. Generally speaking. And that's really positive. As a result we've had what she would perceive as deeper conversations. The downside is that she feels that I would not move forwards if it were not for her constant probing. I.e. she's my therapist - so that started a conversation about whether I should be seeing a therapist.

I met up with my next oldest sister last week. We went out for a drink and a meal. Six hours later she left. She is overweight, more relaxed than I thought she'd be (she is on 30mg of antidepressants), and fairly open. The big question is do I actually want to see her again..

I also had a long chat with my mum the week before, and agreed to meet up. I was, by my standards, very honest..


However - the stuff still to work through;

I am still very defensive. My wife tells me I will DO anything, but having an emotional connection with her is something I find very difficult - primarily because we never emotionally connected when I was being brought up. Thus the tendency to refer to "the parents" or "the sisters" rather than my mum and dad, or my sister.

My wife realised today that she is still very unhappy. She has no choices now that I have decided not to sell the business. So she's suddenly feeling trapped again with no control. Bloody hell. Just what I need. She says we may need to sell this house we've spent a fortune on (because she wanted to), not get anywhere near what it's worth in order to buy a small house/flat where we live for the girls during the week and then allow us to buy a farm with say 20 acres some 30-40 minutes away.

This really attacks my sense of reality and optimism. I have realised in the last week or so that my optimism was my defence against my dad's constant negative cynicism. As I start to face reality, I.e. with my business, I can no longer rely on my defence that everything would be ok. Everything was possible. That impacts me with my wife, and her dream of owning a farm and land. I can't pretend that I can just magic up over £1m for her to do so. The company is going to take a long time to grow, and I now have two other directors to consider.

So how ever much I may not like it, and may want to put my head in the sand, my wife feels trapped and wants to have the money to buy a farm. That may mean we need to sell this house :( and NOT get the value we deserve from the £200k we've spent on it. We may have to borrow up to the gills to be able to do it, and I would have to work harder to ensure we can pay it.

I feel as if all of the pressure on making it happen is on me. I have to find a buyer for her half of the company, or we have to sell this house and then I'd have to make it work for my wife and the girls in terms of schooling.

She feels like we live in a village she's bored of. She doesn't know people. The usual story basically. And bollocks to it. It always means I have to do something. She claims she would never let me be this unhappy, that she would have done anything possible to ensure my happiness. So, here is a load of guilt I want you to wallow in. She says that I never listen to her, and never am willing to do what it takes.

Bollocks to that too - for I was willing to move to Bolton (I mean, Bolton), when we lived down south. I was willing to buy this house and let her spend a fortune. Once we'd barely started she was unable to do it by herself, so I had to project manage the build, manage the architect etc. etc. Then she was unable to have the builders in, so I had to manage that. All the time I have to manage what she can't. But at the same time she tells me that I am not caring for her, not willing to do anything.

Bollocks.

I know that I am defended. I know that I still have more stuff to work through. I know that, and I am willing too. Right now I have decided that I would go to a therapist, but I don't want to impact my wife too much. Should we both do therapy again together?? It's bloody hard work. SO DON'T BLOODY TELL ME THAT I DON'T CARE.

If she buys a farm some 40 minutes away, I would have to drive her everywhere.

This is why I still need to go to therapy - for I have no idea what is right, what is balanced, what is love. Is love denying myself, doing everything for my wife? Would she really be able to do a farm by herself? No. I don't think she would. Not until she has built up a group of people to help her. And yet how would she do that? The occasional weekend maybe. But not day in day out. Plant a forest. Composting toilets. An eco campsite. What is it that she wants? Does she really want to escape like her parents do? Go and live in a secluded place because people aren't that nice? Oh she'd say she wants a team, a sense of community. But if you can't do that where you live, how on earth are you going to do that in a rural location? Friends and family are not the answer.

So if my wife told me she had found the farm of her dreams - what would I do? My defenses would say DO everything to help her. But in reality -it would take over my life too. I don't think she's ready myself. Not until she can get on a train, a bus, get in a taxi, have local friends without it being a big issue/deal. Build a sense of balanced right Independence from me.

So, right now, when all is said and done, there is no way it's right for her to buy a farm right now. So what's the issue? She must know that too, on her insides, so.. what's the issue. Why does she feel the need to press now? Control? Freedom? Trapped? They are all horrible emotions. Why does she feel those now? Because I am keeping the company? Because I still have a way to go myself? Because she doesn't feel safe with me? Because she is not happy with the level of relationship we both have? Because, she's not happy. Feels trapped. And somehow it's my fault.

Big question therefore is, how can I help her? Can I help her? Am I able to? Or am I too 'contaminated'? Too close? What am I responsible for? What am I not? I know that I have big defenses still to work through. I have to be in control of my life or otherwise my dad will come crashing down on me - I know that - and am working through it, and willing to see a therapist about it.

Can I just be soft and gentle? Ask her basic questions. What does she want? Deep down? How can I help her with that? Not the farm, that's a surface thing. But deep down. The trouble is I fear the answers. I fear that I will be to blame. Will I be able to handle it? And that's a $60bn question.

Yet I want to.....

Should I book a therapy session for this week?

And where am I in all of this??

Living with a harsh judge...

As my wife and I discussed holidays last night, which is always a difficult subject, I started to feel that inner rising of emotion that normally would push me to stop the conversation..

Holidays have never really worked for us. My wife can't "just go" on holiday and relax. She has always needed to do something, travel.. she can't just sit on a beach or sit in a five star hotel and soak up the sun. She would get bored within one day and be a miserable so and so.

Meanwhile, she claims that I switch off when on holiday. I go into escape mode..

The two are diametrically opposed.. and it has caused a lot of heartache for both of us.

So, there we were. Do we go to a villa in Italy (my wife is currently unable to fly)? Do we go by train (she can't currently do that, but really wants to) to somewhere like Morocco? But even the thought was stressful. I started looking at villas, and thought, no, she wouldn't like that, no she would hate that, no she would be bored there.. .but worse that bored. Anxious. She'd drill down into her self. Get into her barrel and start running. It would go downhill. I think I then react to her, and go into escape mode as there is nothing I can do to change it.. that then makes her worse.. and yeah. It doesn't work.

As she thought about the holiday too she got stressed...

So. Normally I would have stopped the conversation as I knew it was causing internal wranglings, but I stayed with it. And wham! It hit me..

Why was it that it mattered so much whether a holiday was good or not (apart from the obvious). It's because I fear my dad's judgement. I fear that he will look at it, and judge it, crushing everyone inc me in the process.

Then I realised that this is what I fear in every department of my life. A holiday is a public thing - and outward and visible expression, and thus subject to dad's judgement. And my dad judges everything he can see. Verbally. With his face. With his mood. I found it utterly crushing as a child. He would judge my friends, people on the TV, people in the church. So I fought so very hard to ensure that whatever it was that I cared about would not get that judgement. It had to be perfect to ensure it wasn't judged.

And thinking about this I realised that it wasn't me that needed it to be perfect, it was because I feared my dad's judgement. With one look he would wither it on the vine. Pronounce it useless. Defect. Demonic. Evil. Worthless. So I would fight to ensure that the thing or person I cared about acted or looked in such a way such that my dad would not make is evil judgement.

My wife. My daughters. Church. Work. Me..

Oh God. As I realised this I cried. Sobbed. From deep within. I realised how much of every part of my life has been subject to this fear that this person who lives forever on my shoulder ready to judge whatever it is that I feel passionate about worthless. Crap. Fuck off.

My wife on our honeymoon. My wife in our marriage - she has to be perfect so that my dad doesn't pronounce this awful judgement on her, I don't want that for her, so she needs to act or do or be something to ensure it doesn't happen. NOW I realise that that's crap. But I'm forty!

Even the house - have I done all the work to the house to ensure that there is nothing he can point to and say "that's wrong". Et voila - that's another component of the right/wrong thing I struggle with so much. It's not my right/wrong. It's that I fear that my dad will point, say it's wrong and give me a lifelong judgement.

I mean why? Why did he feel the need to judge my friends when I'd bring them home. Even when I was married? Why? Why? Why? You selfish miserable git. Now I realise, as I've stopped seeing my dad, that I am still carrying this childish version of my dad on my shoulder who I fear will still judge.

And that's got to stop. From now. Dad, this person that sits on my shoulder, based on my childhood fears, you still stop and desist. You will get the fuck out of here. Out of my life. I don't want you, you are nothing good or lovely. There is nothing redemptive about you. So fuck off. Get lost. I don't want you in my life, in my space, in my family. Get!

I was really encouraged though that I was able to go to this place, work it through with my wife listening, cry, sob, get angry, feel and communicate it. I think it's a powerful thing that I've never seen before in this context.

So now, what I want to do is to live my life without that judging shadow on my shoulder. I can relax because he is not there. I don't have to fear that my family, nor ME, will be judged in that way. Clearly there is still more work to be done in this area - but I'm encouraged nevertheless..

So - the final thing I realised was that I am scared stiff that he will make a judgement and pronounce it on my life. As a result I work hard on creating a layer which is acceptable to him. As such there are two of me, the real me, and the me that I work hard at presenting to my dad to make me more acceptable.

How crap is that? So. Firstly, my dad is not there in judgement. He doesn't mean to be, but even if he is he doesn't have that power over me. Secondly, I can lay down the performance identity. I can just be me, and relax. No one is judging me.

No one is judging me.

Sigh. Deep. No one is judging me. I am not in a spotlight, with a judge waiting for me to get it wrong, who will then pronounce judgement. God is not like that. And my image of dad is not doing that, and has no power over me.

No one is judging me.

That means I am free. I am free to be me. I can be me without fear of judgement. I can walk anywhere I please, do anything I please, think anything I please without fear of judgement. I can spend my time doing anything I please. I am free...

If I'm running there is no one watching me. If I am in a meeting, or talking to my daughters. There is no one watching me. If I am taking photos, or writing, or fishing. It matters not where I place, how good I am, it doesn't matter. For the only person who is really interested in that is me. Not my dad. Not a loveless harsh judge..

No one judging me. Meaning I am FREE!