Staring failure in the face

So I don't know what to do for the best. Do I sell, when do I sell? Do I try and get all the money I can to allow my wife to buy the farm of her dreams, and spend as much as she needs? That would require around £2.5m. There's not many farms at less than £1.5m. But. If we can only get £1m from the sale of the company (that's in our pockets) then what? She wouldn't be able to buy what she wants, I'd still have to work to earn a good wage, and I would have failed...

Why would I have failed?

Because I was unable to get enough money for my wife. Because I was unable to sell, and therefore grow, the company at a reasonable price. Forget the fact that we are in a credit crunch - farm prices are holding up (and have doubled over the last two years).

So I have failed.

That's what my insides are telling me. Nay screaming at me. I realise, if I can force myself to, that is this an old and antiquated template. One that I should not be living my life by any more. My dad is dead in that regard, as it's the dad from my childhood. It binds me and takes my freedom.

So then my wife asks me whether I want to keep the company as a form of status. To stop me being regular joe, regular ol' me. Regular Mark, with an ok job, an ok car, an ok house, earning an ok salary. Could I do that? Or do I need status to allow me to feel good about myself? A fast car, a nice house, a big salary.. and this is what I have grown to hate for the feelings it arises in me are intense and painful.

But I need to go there, allow myself to feel these feelings and run their course or else I will be forever locked in the past. Never able to live life in the moment, free of guilt and pain and fear..

So. I feel a sense of failure at not being able to sell the company for a wad. At not being able to provide for my wife to buy her farm, and do it up. Such high expectations of myself. Can I ever meet them? Can I ever be free of them?