I have been on a website which allows me to post photos and stories, and in the process I have got to know a lady from Australia. She is a most amazing artist. About ten days ago I posted a journal on there with some thoughts on rainbows. She responded immediately, pouring out her heart.
Turns out she was rejected by her parents and she went to live with her grandparents who couldn't look after he properly. She was already wanting to commit suicide at four years old when God spoke to her as she sat in front of her mirror. She's had it tough, but she believes that God saved her life that day.
Her church experience includes burn out, rejection etc. So she hasn't been for around 15 years. Yet she loves the Lord. She pours her life into her art - which is wonderful.
Anyway -we have been conversing via emails, and yesterday she wrote this email to me and it caused me to cry..
It was her response after I'd sent my last journal posting from here to her.. The bold bit is an excerpt from my blog..
Dearest Mark,
Why? Because of the people. We want real relationships. We want to worship. Fall on our faces before the living God. See God’s power, changing, saving, healing, delivering, dealing, sorting, gracious, merciful. Powerful life changing teaching, bone cut from marrow, thoughts and intents of the heart. Rhema. The weight of God’s presence
Mark … God plucked you out of ministry for a reason…sincerely….I think and believe that God is making ready his army of men and women all over the world…some are in churches and some are not…but all of us on the same plane with the same level of understanding and belief….with the same jadedness, pain and passion, the same longings….and do you know why…..BECAUSE WE ARE THE HEART OF GOD…. for some unknown reason God chose to mirror his heart in our hearts…and we will never be happy with the mundaneness of going through the motions..you would be surprised just how many men are in your position right now, crying out to their Father in Heaven, but he is preparing you Mark for the times ahead….He had to pluck you out to do it….take heart Mark, take heart….try to believe me, try to believe a little of what I’m saying – because I’ve known from the age of 4….. because I’ve known without the help or aid of adults or angels or teacher….because He spoke to me then, and he speaks to me now….I have heard the voices of angels singing in choirs of heaven Mark…they sound like silver waterfalls…..it is unimaginable and the sweetest sound…. there is beauty untold and a great many things that we do not yet understand, but you must try and look at this from the bigger picture…..and see yourself as God see you, humbled…right where he wants a man to be…vulnerable…humbled and wanting….wanting to do right, wanting to love his family, wanting to serve God and his fellow man…
Sometimes I am just overwhelmed with compassion, and when I got just halfway through your journal I felt the Holy Spirit come upon me (believe me, that doesn’t happen too often) and I couldn’t ignore it…. I think that God wanted to say something to you through me…I’m glad you shared your journal and everything with me, I have been sobbing and then when I read all the FUCKS I couldn’t stop laughing and laughing at how honest you are and the hint of sarcasm if I can call it that!!!! I’ve put in italics at the end of the bmail what it was I felt God saying…if it doesn’t resonate with you, just ignore it. And yes, it is comforting in a strange way to know that we are fellow travellers in this journey and to hear your anguish just touched me in such a deep way……for I know this one thing, that perhaps you don’t. When you cried these things out to God, his heart reached out to you……….there was a reaching out of God’s hand toward you, he heard you in a BIG way….he’s been quiet, yes, I know…..but he’s there…believe me, he’s there…. What you want so badly, this healing….it’ll come eventually…but there is a reason for what you are going through, it’s necessary…..try to stop fighting it and let it go….no matter how hard you try, you won’t fix it…but when you pray BELIEVE in your heart that at the right and appropriate time your healing will come…but you will be a changed person…a changed man…for no longer will you anguish over why – there will be a fresh dawning of understanding come upon you, as though a veil has been lifted…..as though the sun dried up the misty dark morning and the world will be in soft hues of dawn and pretty colours afforded by sunlight and warmth will be rekindled and flowing once again, there will be warmth once again……
This is a terribly tough time for you right now…and often following the anguish of the soul where there is so much turmoil…there seems to be a lull, where you can be still and quiet and recover……I feel like you have been practically ripping out your hair and wearing sackcloth…..but in time you will be restored. The only way you can help others is to go through this hell…. And to just be you…you are right now really discovering the real you…warts and all…maybe to you that’s not a pretty sight, but it’s all God ever wanted from you….just you…..no pretense or airs or graces and if that means you get it wrong 80% of the time, as long as you are humble and keep on admitting it……do you realise how nice that is, to know a person that cares about being or doing wrong, and then wants to try and get it right…it’s rather unusual….it’s rather Christian, it’s really rather what God is looking for in people….this is the example to which followers of Christ should look…for the only solace one will ever find…is in God himself…falling one one’s knees in repentance and whilst in the vileness of all that suffering, he turns himself over to God and says, and yet….I remain a vessel for you Lord……and yet, even though you may have spurned me and yet turned away from me, I will follow you, until the end of time….I will be loyal and faithful…forgive my sin, set my feet upon the rock and reach down from heaven and touch me…make your face to shine upon me……do not leave me here in this terrible place of suffering…
Mark, honestly, how can you ever go forth in live and love and healing and helping and ministering without enduring this terrible terrible thorn in your side, just as Paul did, as Job did….as so many did….this is the making of a man…. My Scottie is yet to go through anything like this…but he would gain a lot of respect from me, if that’s what happened….recently he did start to say a few things about our relationship that really touched and moved me and showed me there was something deeper there…..a woman will love that…I think your wife will love you to be deep, honest and meaningful with her…it is important for us as women to nurture, if and when you let us in we have the ability to love, far greater than you can imagine….i hope you can do that, probably you are doing that already…but life can just be so difficult and busy as well….
Sometimes, too….navel gazing needs to be put an end to….and we need to start looking outward again…just slowly and little by little…because we can become too insular….this is my own experience….. but I don’t know you all that well…and all we are doing is sharing our feelings and our testimonies I guess…..and our journey, so I don’t want to sound full of useless useless meaningless advice…that’s not really important or necessary…. You just needed to be heard….I heard you… I heard the cry of your heart…and I cupped my face in my hands and sobbed my heart out….and then you made me laugh and laugh and laugh…that’s the stuff sermons are made of…. Powerful ….the ability to make people both laugh and cry with the twist of a phrase.
“Do you not know, have you not heard….. I have loved your from the beginning, when the morning was still fesh and the flowers pretty in the field I dream t of you, enjoying the day and sitting by my side…we would laugh and sing and be companions in this life, and in amongst the grass and the green fields the tips of the grass would tickle you against your skin and the sun would light up your face, and dance all around you… for I am your forever friend, I am your forever friend, you never have to ‘be’ anything special for me to love you, for I made you special from the start, you are all that I expected you to be, you are not in any way failing me Mark…this is my heart, this is the fruth. Although you feel tortured and tried and ugly inside, I see that you strive so for healing and heart, to be made right, but would is right Mrk..o listen to me, your papa, I speak to you now from the lofty places and beg of you my voice when I speak…for you are the one I created you to be, and with that I am happy son, your smile lights the way, your heart is contrite and you care about wrong and right, you have a passion that is fruitful in itself and I’ve dealt with many worse men on many occasions, none have a heart like I have given you…why do you see the gifts I have given you in a poor light….in a negative way, see that I have given you all of creation to enjoy…but you squander that and forget to listen and forget to look…you are forgetting the precious gifts I have given you and your suffering is paramount and mounting higher and deeper than life itself. I admire your strength and your versatility, I admire your heart and your strength, I’ve given ou my passion and heart fro the lost…I’ve given you a shepherd’s heart, I’ve given you so much Mark and now you want more…you want to know healing…. Then you must ask for it and believe it with all your heart that I will bring it to you, for this will come….in what form you will not know now, but in the days ahead will come thunder and lightning and rain and your life will not have been lived in vain or in vanity….you will think that forever you sit there on the sidelines unnoticed unimportant…but for a time, you must sit out fo the race in order to learn my way, in order to learn my language, in order to understand the heart of God and the pain of suffering and loneliness, because it is only then, and I mean only then that you will be released to hope and share and this will come about eventually, but you mustn’t despair anymore….i know how you suffer and I breathe my breath upon you to give you new life, and I wish for you to suffer no more and from this guilt you dread which torments you I would like to give you sweet relief….but for now it is necessary…it will not always be so…for I will release you in the days to come…I will release you Mark, my son…. Take heart, for you will be known to yourself and others as lionhearted and true…there is nothing greater for your to aspire to than this…. In time your wife and children will come round but it will take time, and patience, and more suffering….there are no quick fixes……..time is needed here, and in hindsight, looking back you will know Mark, you will know that I was with you, right through it all…but for now you are in an empty place, ridden with ugly scenes and pictures in your mind, full of disgust and loathing not only for me but for yourself…and there are others too…but you will soon forgive and understand that none meant you great harm…and that this time is for a purpose and a reason AND A SEASON … for Mark everything is but for a season….”
What would life be like if we only ever got what we expected and hoped for, nothing would we be but spoilt and selfish children…it is all the knocks that polish of those sharp edges and make you beautiful, interesting, full of character…..try not to see yourself as ‘failure’ as ‘wrong’ as ‘guiltridden’ – i don’t see you that way at all…..it’s strange….instead i see this…
a man on his knees before God
he cries out with all his heart like many i’ve read about in the bible
like Jesus Christ
he suffers
he cries
he feels alone
he feels abandoned
it is like Gethsemene
you asked him, make me like you Lord…
he said…..i will
he is
you are
see this new thing he’s doing in you
you don’t have to try so hard…..
it’s happening anyway
despite all your efforts…
you can’t force it
you can’t hurry it
you must find patience
and be longsuffering
and you will be blessed and
a great blessing…you already have been to me…
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