Confidence

The thing about therapy, is that it focussed on difficult and painful areas. For myself, and my wife, it results in an almost whirlpool of self doubt and second guessing. Is what I am doing right? What's the motive behind it? Is there a pain, a fear, something I'm hiding? In short, though it works through lots of paindul stuff from the past (telling your life story), and results in significant change as you realise what you do why you do, it also robs you of confidence.

Or at least that's my experience. The last month or more have been overwhelmed by a sense of no confidence in who I am. Maybe that's normal. But it's very difficult. Can't move forward with confidence, because I may be wrong. I may be getting it wrong. It may be because my dad or mum did something or other. That's the difficulty of therapy - you (potentially) lose a sense of perspective.

Since stopping with my therapist, this is what I've struggled with - as I've written in previous postings. It's taken me, a lady from Australia I've never met and friends to pull me to where I am now. Which is, you know, I'm ok.

I feel I've worked through what I wanted to in therapy. I'm realising I can be right, and be wrong, and it doesn't matter. I'm realising that my wife has been wrong about me - actually much of the time. She has realised only today that when she looks at me or hears me, she is actually seeing her mum, or hearing her mum.

No wonder she doesn't bloody fancy me! And because I've gained more confidence again, and am practicing the polo mint routine (which I need to write about - but basically every time I feel myself going into a tail spin of second guessing - most of the time in relationship to my wife telling me I'm getting something wrong - I should think of a polo mint to stop me in my tracks and stop me going down the old worn and now not useful trains of thought), meaning that I am not succumbing to my wife's defences. Et voila. She has realised that when I am being nice, she is seeing aggressive - why? because that's what her mum did.

I couldn't win! And it's not about winning - but yippee!!!!