Christmas - I've struggled

Hmm. Strange that. But I have felt a little out of it over Christmas. Why? I did all the jobs, (cooking, laying table, packing/unpacking dishwasher) - bar after evening meal. I didn't get any presents bar a couple of books and CDs as I asked for cash from my wife for the pond. Throughout the day my wife sat with our girls. They cuddled up to her etc. whilst watching films, opening presents etc. Me? I was to the side. Out of it. And I think that has really hurt.

Who am I? Am I seen as the dad, bar being the ATM and taxi? My youngest is driving me up the wall, as she's so dominating and unpleasant so much of the time (basically any time we ask her to do anything). My oldest is equally in her own world - just not dominating and not unpleasant.

So I feel pulled between who I should be, what they want me to be, I don't want to spend time with my youngest when she's like this. I want to spend time with my oldest but she doesn't the other way. In fact she shudders at the thought of me hugging her.. which isn't pleasant. Though I kind of understand as I used to do the same with my dad. So does that mean I am my dad? God forbid.

After Christmas and Boxing Day I felt like I needed some external relief. Trying too hard, not getting back what I would like (whether wrong or not), my wife... being my wife. Feel as if I am pulling away. Not able to play with my own toys. We were going to go out with some friends last night but they cancelled. So my wife asks if we still want to go out. Yes says I. Though truth be told I didn't want to.

So my wife dolled herself up, and look just fantastic. I put my suit trousers and shirt on, as it was the only thing I could wear when she looked like that. We went into town, which was dead and half closed. She opened the conversation with telling me, in my opinion, what I was doing wrong. So here I was, didn't really want to be there because of how I already felt, and now my wife is telling me what I am doing wrong. Thanks a lot. I try hard, tell her how I feel, so she tells me that I am not offering sparkling conversation. We end early, head home. She walks in, gets her pjs on and goes to bed. This morning she tells me that I am in the dog house. I try talking about it, and she tells me it's because I am selfish. That I can't do things for other people without needing a return within a short period of time. I feel that she is over reacting, that she has too high an expectation of what I will be like, and what could she expect if I was feeling the way I was?

Then I feel bad and guilty, I'm getting it wrong. And it descends into crapness. Just when I thought I was getting a handle on things. Just when I thought that things were going well. I feel like I've got it wrong. For me to feel blah means I've got it wrong.

So what if I haven't got it wrong? What if Christmas just presses an old template, and I've been trying to fight my way through it. What if I was trying last night, despite how I feel, to go out with my wife? What if I was pushing through my blahness? What if I value my wife so highly that when she expresses displeasure it still cuts me like a knife?

Should I just pull myself together? Slap myself? Get a grip man?

So - reread. What was going on? My wife felt I was pulling away, she feels hurt. She tries to express how she feels about me, and what was going on. I take it as a rebuke, I've got it wrong. I descend into an old tailspin of right and wrong, with lashings of guilt.

What did my wife want? To be close to me. To have a good time.

Was she interested in how I was feeling? Hmmm. Yes and no. She was, but didn't want to do the work for me, I.e. she wanted me to work it our for myself, though she'd be supportive in the process.

What did I want? To have some "me" time. Ideally get out and see someone else.

Was I interested in how my wife was feeling? Hmm. Yes and no! I couldn't handle any sense of rejection from her. Any sense of the fact that I was getting something wrong.

So - really, looking back I'd have been better going out, even if it was Boxing Day. If that wasn't possible I should have not gone out with my wife as I wasn't up to it (though thought I could work through it, or that my wife would be too rejected if I said no - which she would have been).

I was feeling blah, for whatever reason, and feared my wife making it worse. I'm sorry for that.

So - two issues;

1. I felt blah - why?
2. When I felt blah I was extra defensive.