Christmas - I've struggled

Hmm. Strange that. But I have felt a little out of it over Christmas. Why? I did all the jobs, (cooking, laying table, packing/unpacking dishwasher) - bar after evening meal. I didn't get any presents bar a couple of books and CDs as I asked for cash from my wife for the pond. Throughout the day my wife sat with our girls. They cuddled up to her etc. whilst watching films, opening presents etc. Me? I was to the side. Out of it. And I think that has really hurt.

Who am I? Am I seen as the dad, bar being the ATM and taxi? My youngest is driving me up the wall, as she's so dominating and unpleasant so much of the time (basically any time we ask her to do anything). My oldest is equally in her own world - just not dominating and not unpleasant.

So I feel pulled between who I should be, what they want me to be, I don't want to spend time with my youngest when she's like this. I want to spend time with my oldest but she doesn't the other way. In fact she shudders at the thought of me hugging her.. which isn't pleasant. Though I kind of understand as I used to do the same with my dad. So does that mean I am my dad? God forbid.

After Christmas and Boxing Day I felt like I needed some external relief. Trying too hard, not getting back what I would like (whether wrong or not), my wife... being my wife. Feel as if I am pulling away. Not able to play with my own toys. We were going to go out with some friends last night but they cancelled. So my wife asks if we still want to go out. Yes says I. Though truth be told I didn't want to.

So my wife dolled herself up, and look just fantastic. I put my suit trousers and shirt on, as it was the only thing I could wear when she looked like that. We went into town, which was dead and half closed. She opened the conversation with telling me, in my opinion, what I was doing wrong. So here I was, didn't really want to be there because of how I already felt, and now my wife is telling me what I am doing wrong. Thanks a lot. I try hard, tell her how I feel, so she tells me that I am not offering sparkling conversation. We end early, head home. She walks in, gets her pjs on and goes to bed. This morning she tells me that I am in the dog house. I try talking about it, and she tells me it's because I am selfish. That I can't do things for other people without needing a return within a short period of time. I feel that she is over reacting, that she has too high an expectation of what I will be like, and what could she expect if I was feeling the way I was?

Then I feel bad and guilty, I'm getting it wrong. And it descends into crapness. Just when I thought I was getting a handle on things. Just when I thought that things were going well. I feel like I've got it wrong. For me to feel blah means I've got it wrong.

So what if I haven't got it wrong? What if Christmas just presses an old template, and I've been trying to fight my way through it. What if I was trying last night, despite how I feel, to go out with my wife? What if I was pushing through my blahness? What if I value my wife so highly that when she expresses displeasure it still cuts me like a knife?

Should I just pull myself together? Slap myself? Get a grip man?

So - reread. What was going on? My wife felt I was pulling away, she feels hurt. She tries to express how she feels about me, and what was going on. I take it as a rebuke, I've got it wrong. I descend into an old tailspin of right and wrong, with lashings of guilt.

What did my wife want? To be close to me. To have a good time.

Was she interested in how I was feeling? Hmmm. Yes and no. She was, but didn't want to do the work for me, I.e. she wanted me to work it our for myself, though she'd be supportive in the process.

What did I want? To have some "me" time. Ideally get out and see someone else.

Was I interested in how my wife was feeling? Hmm. Yes and no! I couldn't handle any sense of rejection from her. Any sense of the fact that I was getting something wrong.

So - really, looking back I'd have been better going out, even if it was Boxing Day. If that wasn't possible I should have not gone out with my wife as I wasn't up to it (though thought I could work through it, or that my wife would be too rejected if I said no - which she would have been).

I was feeling blah, for whatever reason, and feared my wife making it worse. I'm sorry for that.

So - two issues;

1. I felt blah - why?
2. When I felt blah I was extra defensive.

Things seem to sorting themselves..

Well I have to say that I think things are, finally, slotting into place..

Work wise I'm pretty convinced now that I will be offering the guys to buy as many shares as they can buy off my wife. That will hopefully give my wife some decent money to enable her to at least feel free from the company and do something at least.. I will also feel that I am allowing they guys to buy in, thus I feel as if I am delivering on an unspoken promise. Further, it gives time for the market to recover (credit crunch, no cash anywhere, worldwide recession) and for the company to grow - something which I think is entirely doable.

Personally - well.. I was exhausted over the last week and put this down to; overdoing it at the gym, being in a spin about the company and what I should do, consecutive late nights (I.e. not enough sleep) as well as supporting my wife as she works through the core stuff of her therapy.. really that is quite a lot.

I still fear getting it wrong, but confidence is, I think, continuing to grow.

I spoke for about 45 minutes to my mum last night which went ok. I was honest, the most honest I've ever been with her - about dad and about her. About me, therapy etc. I've agreed to meet with her so will see how that goes. My wife said that I still had a strange tone when I spoke to her, which I think must be because I'm still trying to stay in control. I think I am successful if I don't show any emotion. So, when I meet her, I must not be afraid to show my anger, frustration, emotions etc... that will be a test

What I need to ensure I do not do is that I think I have "got it wrong". In other words when I realise that there is an area for me to improve in, or my wife points something out, my insides try to tie themselves into a knot. NO says I, polo mints, this does not mean I am wrong, and bad and evil..!!!

Maybe I shouldn't sell!

I tell you, this is confusing. Six months ago I came to the conclusion that I should sell. That was after much soul searching and heart ache on my part. Wanting to be supportive to my wife - her being desperate to move on and start a new eco tourist farm project. Three weeks ago I wobbled when my wife said that I should do what I wanted to - not because of my wife.. I felt like I ran into a road block. For four days I ached in my mind, but came to the conclusion that I was an entrepreneur by nature and therefore couldn't go back.

And then the last couple of days, after spending an afternoon with my sales director, and I did a review with my operations direction, I realised that I love these guys. I enjoy spending time with them. They are good guys, utterly trustworthy. They have given of their all for me so that I could have a sabbatical.

And I got to thinking. I hated my company in the end because I was involved in so much detail. I'd been desperate to get a management team in place in order to free me. I have achieved that. Do I want to throw that away, sell the company for less than I think it's worth (and it wouldn't allow my wife to do all that she wants, and I've have to go back to work to earn a good wage), and start again with a new venture with little or no money??

Or do I want to see if I can help grow the company onto the next level. I've got really good managers, a team I trust, a company that has real potential to grow doing what it does very well. I have great resource in other words, a great foundation to push on and grow the company, as well as the profits (actually we need to make a profit but that's a different point).

What is it I do well?

• I can sell. It's built into me because people trust me, why? Because I'm a nice guy who is trustable. It's my character.
• I envision, inspire confidence, people want to follow me - why? Because I'm charismatic, optimistic, and can't see no.
• I carry through - usually, when I start something, I follow through. I'm dependable, honest and trustworthy.

So, because of who I am, a man of intrinsic worth, people trust me and will buy from me. They will follow me. My style of leadership is very open, accountable to those I work with. I love a challenge. I believe I can, and my confidence is infectious. What's better, I believe we, in the sense of the company, can. We have a great team.

What's the challenge.

First - get the company into profit as soon as possible
Two - grow the profits to give us a cash deposit, safety net
Three - grow some more whilst living balanced lives

This challenge really excites me.

How do we/I do it?

First - get the two guys to buy as many shares from my wife as possible. This allows my wife to move on
Second - I act as entrepreneurial MD - not hands on. That's better managed by my two guys
Third - I sell, supporting the Sales Director, whilst adding value as MD as the figure head - inspiring confidence within the company.
Fourthly - and crucially - with balance. And I infuse that need for balance into the company as a whole.

What would my targets be?

1. Profitability - each month making money whilst everyone is paid as they ought to be - including me
2. Increase service customers - bigger accounts, which drive pull through services
3. Set a growth and profit target each year. Bonuses/dividends paid on achievement

How would the guys buy in?
1. Utilise what cash they have - I estimate a min of £250k (OD £50k, SD £200k)
2. Remortgage - this is their choice and option to benefit from future growth - another £200k (OD £100k, SD £100k)
3. Through payroll - fore go salary % and instead buy shares (OD)
4. Pay shares from future bonuses, profits

Will this be enough for my wife? We don't know. Maybe go for the DTI loan as well - and use that capital to pay some of the £270k she's owed from shares already sold. That would give her, say, £600k? If I was still earning a decent whack - min £10k/month net provided we are making profits then we would be able to borrow more too for her to do what she wants with (a) farm.

If necessary - would I be willing to sell this house we live in (after all the building works) and buy a semi say to release more money??

Staring failure in the face

So I don't know what to do for the best. Do I sell, when do I sell? Do I try and get all the money I can to allow my wife to buy the farm of her dreams, and spend as much as she needs? That would require around £2.5m. There's not many farms at less than £1.5m. But. If we can only get £1m from the sale of the company (that's in our pockets) then what? She wouldn't be able to buy what she wants, I'd still have to work to earn a good wage, and I would have failed...

Why would I have failed?

Because I was unable to get enough money for my wife. Because I was unable to sell, and therefore grow, the company at a reasonable price. Forget the fact that we are in a credit crunch - farm prices are holding up (and have doubled over the last two years).

So I have failed.

That's what my insides are telling me. Nay screaming at me. I realise, if I can force myself to, that is this an old and antiquated template. One that I should not be living my life by any more. My dad is dead in that regard, as it's the dad from my childhood. It binds me and takes my freedom.

So then my wife asks me whether I want to keep the company as a form of status. To stop me being regular joe, regular ol' me. Regular Mark, with an ok job, an ok car, an ok house, earning an ok salary. Could I do that? Or do I need status to allow me to feel good about myself? A fast car, a nice house, a big salary.. and this is what I have grown to hate for the feelings it arises in me are intense and painful.

But I need to go there, allow myself to feel these feelings and run their course or else I will be forever locked in the past. Never able to live life in the moment, free of guilt and pain and fear..

So. I feel a sense of failure at not being able to sell the company for a wad. At not being able to provide for my wife to buy her farm, and do it up. Such high expectations of myself. Can I ever meet them? Can I ever be free of them?

Living in the moment

Living in the moment.

Apparently I do one and ten very well. I'm just not good at 2-9. I can paint a vision, paint what can be, what will be. But I really struggle making it through the individual steps to get there. The destination, rather than the journey.

Why?

Well. Dad of course. Dad instilled such a fear within me as a kid that when he asked for something, it had to be immediate or face the consequences. I.e. I had to deliver a ten immediately. A two, or four etc. was not good enough and likely to result in a caning. The first time I preached, it had to be perfect. A 10. God's power, anointing, the lost saved, people healed, in depth knowledge of God's ways. No wonder I felt physically sick for the two weeks before my first preach, with my dad sat on the platform behind me with his "Amens".

I had no room for the journey. The journey was what was painful. I hated the journey. Hated out journeys as a family to anywhere. Dad moaning and bitching the whole way. When we got there it continued. I lived in fear, in fact I can feel it now. And it feels horrible. Painful. Lost. Scared. Shitless.

We could never enjoy the journey as a family. Mealtimes - no way. Going to church - crap. Holidays were, from memoy, stressful unless you could escape dad. In fact even the thought of enjoying the journey is laughable. It's just such a non possible event that even the thought is strange and makes me want to laugh.

My therapist would ask why am I laughing. Is it funny. No I would reply, it's not funny, and he would ask me to allow myself to feel the pain.

It was just horrible. Living in constant fear. Constant stress that dad was going to explode, and blame me. I'd get the cop. No, there was nothing nice, enjoyable or desirable about the journey. Get it over as quickly as possible. Get to the end, and make it perfect less it gives dad a reason to explode.

Me and my wife to London today. 134 miles door to door. Into central London. To visit the London Transport Museum (my wife loves old trains). I woke up with a befuddled brain. I drove all the way down in the same manner, befuddled. Not in the moment. Thinking about what I should do about my company. I wasn't able to really connect with her - despite the fact I was trying to coach myself to enjoy the journey, and the time with her.

Journey - not destination. It's what my blog is called! And yet how difficult I find it. I have to be perfect. I have such high expectations of myself. I therefore struggle with other people who are struggling because I want to get them from one to ten. I can't see the middle steps which make life so full and rich.

As I've said, the very thought of enjoying the jouney makes me want to laugh, for it's so absurd.

And it's not my fault. CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP. IT IS NOT MY FAULT.

The drive was not stressful. I did an average of 80mph on the motorway. Two years ago and earlier, when I was driving down to London and back regularly I would have done 95mph the whole way.. and it would have been very stressful. So I've moved on! Which is great.

But still.

The journey. Why is that so painful? Because I couldn't get it right. I feared getting it wrong. I feared my dad, and his reaction. From a very early age. Right up to the present day. My little child inside of me is still scared stiff of my dad. Just getting in the car was frightening. For so often he would already be in a bad mood. He would shout to get the door closed. Seat belt on. He would screech away, his anger eminating from his every pore, action, silence, brooding, radio volume, everything screaming at me that it was my fault. I had done something wrong. I would be locked in. His stare, facial expressions telling me he was not happy with me, I had done bad, I had done wrong, I was to blame. I would look away, out of the window, but still not able to escape his anger.

Arriving at someone's house was frightening. Would dad continue to be in his bad mood? We would not dare do anything which may be construed as being naughty. Dad would laugh with the person we went to see. We would still be suffering from the anger and mood in the car from the journey. We would be shy, hiding. Knowing that the return journey may be more of the same (though often it probably wasn't).

It was the same if we went to church (3-4 times a week). The anger, the moods, the shouting, the violence, and that was just to leave the house. Oh crap. It was horrible. It was horrible for me, for I felt trapped by it. I took it personally - what else could I do? He took it out on everyone. But I felt it very personally.

It was a feeling of entrapment. I was trapped by dad. I couldn't escape. Couldn't run away. Had no choice or options. His anger would feed my pain. aka I was responsible for his anger. No wonder I couldn't enjoy the journey, for it wasn't about the journey - it was about being perfect. A ten. In all things. So I couldn't just BE, or just have a laugh, or a hobby. I had to be about the things that would mean I was safe, approved by my dad, or at least increase my chances of being so. Thus my all out desire to serve God - for that was one of those areas...

I wonder if I think that I can get the journey wrong - thus the focus on the destination. If the destination is, for example, London. Then if I arrive in London (ir record quick time!) I got it right. But the journey - boy - I can get so many things wrong. I need to go the right way, the quickest, way, the shortest way, with no obstructions, no road works, no traffic jams... is it the same in life? Is that why I fear the journey, and focus on the destination?

What I want, what I enjoy

Not getting to bed till after 12.30am, then being woken up by my 12 year old as she was scared of ghosts at 1.30am didn't help my sleep requirements last night. Felt in a bit of a daze all day, but feeling better now that I've had a 30 min snooze.

Going to gym shortly.

Mix of emotions. I am starting to think seriously once more about whether to return to my company, or whether to sell it and do something new. I met with my sales director for 2 hours yesterday. Now there is someone I could work with. We talked about my ops director - who I am concerned about.

I could so easily return. Swing back in as MD - there'd be bits I'd enjoy. There's be bits that would be challenging. And there'd be bits I wouldn't want to do.

Enjoy - working with, listening to, empowering, vision casting, enabling, selling, potential, increase, bigger

Challenge - working with certain individuals who don't get big picture, getting people to change who want to but can't

Don't want to - get bogged down in detail.

I think that's a pretty good summary of what I want to do, and be involved in. I want to empower, enable and ever increase opportunity. I am challenged by people who want to but can't. I hate detail, business as usual, boring.

My mission statement would therefore be; to always be developing as an individual whilst providing for those closest and dearest to me. I find a good level of challenge and satisfaction within a growing and developing business context, growing and increasing opportunities along with everything that involves.

My values include; honesty, integrity, development, freedom, opportunity, success (within context of other values), work life balance, family, friends, me, God

What I want to achieve before I die; having been the best dad I can be towards my daughters - evidenced by confident, happy, supported girls who are happy being who they were created to be. Having been a supportive and loving husband, evidenced by a confident and happy wife with a great relationship avec moi to boot - still holding hands, having a laugh and being silly in our eighties. Having enjoyed my life, and having achieved my mission, evidenced by a feeling of satisfaction that I achieved what I set out to do, having built things of value and worth (not just cash), and having great relationships and good testimony. Standing before God and hearing him say 'Well done Mark' with a smile on his face.

So - with that in mind, what is it that I want to do? Do I want to go back to my company?

Pros;
I can, I can hit the ground running, I can increase sales, provide direction, improve morale confidence esteem, empower.

Cons;
Working with challenging people (will this be the same whatever I do?), potential long hours (as before), getting stuck (not good), is it a new challenge? Am I the best MD my business can have? Would I be pushing too much rather than focusing on status quo (management rather than entrepreneurial?) #

Those last two pieces are key. Could I do it? Would I want to push the entrepreneurial rather than needing to do business as usual. This would frustrate my team and staff if it's not the right time. We are in a credit crunch, cash is very very tight, profits hard to come by. Can the company afford a fresh injection of energy to push us on if that meant more change and more demands on my staff? This is a serious question.

For me it's a serious question too - as I can't get bogged down. The alternative would be to work there part time (whatever number of days) whilst also doing something else with someone like Karen ref business coaching. Or getting involved in a business turnaround which appeals for all of the cons. The challenging people I would just move aside, and would be out of there within six months anyway.

My wife needs lots of cash to do her farm - and this is the priority. So if I couldn't get the guys to buy in at a decent rate and decent percent then it wouldn't work anyway. If they could - then I have a choice. My wife would need a lot. Ideally £750k. That would give her a 30% deposit on a farm, and leave say £350k cash to do bits up whilst I concentrated on my company and other money earning possibilities.

The other option is just to sell my company, and set up a business coaching/turnaround practice.. Lots of challenge in that, a new start, and lots of cash for my wife. The pressure would be off to start with too - which appeals. I would feel bad ref the guys at my company who hope for a share - but maybe that would be offered by the company who buys us? Provided of course that we can sell in this climate for anything half decent value wise...

Lots to ponder.

A bit tired, need some space..

I've had my youngest sister and fiancee staying over the last two days. Normally I would have shut myself off, not being able to spend time with my sister. However, the last two days have been different. I've not been as needing to hide away, as I've not felt the same need to fix, take responsibility.. which has been great. [That's not to say however that it wasn't still there, talking it over with my wife since it's clear that I still had an agenda when I spoke with her fiancée for example]

However, after two late nights, two days with them, and the gym yesterday where I deliberately pushed it I am feeling a little jaded. Nowhere near the same as before. But, I feel like I need some time to reflect, space to recharge.

And that's ok. That does not mean I'm descending into a pit of bleargness. Just that, I need some time to recharge and recoup. Reflect, think, space, rest.. Writing this blog in an opportunity to do that. Listening to Keane too - feed my soul. Time with just my wife where I don't feel I need to give her something.

Rest. Turn off. Relax. Contemplate. Just be me..

[And today, a day later, I realise that I've not needed to escape in the same way as the past. Listen to music, yes, write a short story, yes, read up on the latest news, yes, but not switch off. Not look at porn, or go on the xbox, not feel I need to escape from my wife etc. - which is great!]

Gym x 3

So, this week I went to the gym three times. Three times in one week. Lifting waits, and a run. Yesterday I pushed it, three sets of 10-12 reps at maximum weight, around 9 machines on upper body, tummy and back. Then I went for a fairly fast run for 15 minutes. And how do I feel today? A bit tired, but no where near as tired as I would have before. :D

Feeling good - update on everything

Wey-hey. I'm feeling good. Gym twice this week, I'm stopping myself going into a tail spin on account of trying to find something wrong with me and deal with it. I'm benefiting from the benefits of having gone through therapy. I had some lasagne two nights ago - no side effects at all. Ie. dairy - cheese. Yippee!

My wife has realised that she is seeing me as her mum. I'm explaining that when she goes into her mind defences it's the same as getting into a playground barrel, and running inside. Pretty soon she's going at full tilt, and can't stop. She can't sleep, and gets anxious. Just stop running, and get out of the barrel. Instead go for a lovely walk to a place you like -in your mind.

So, suddenly I am confident in myself once again - in a good way. I am starting to relate to the girls in a different disciplining way, as my wife allows me to (she's not using them as her defence any more). That's a big crucial thing - as I'm not fearing her jumping in undermining me and trying to be ultra reasonable. Oh what a difference. It means I can let my youngest have her full vent, whilst being firm but soft. Be gracious whilst maintaining discipline. My oldest (15) is also starting to vent her feelings as she feels them - which she has never done before. Was it because the 12 year old was so dominating with her emotions, or was it my wife actually stopping her for if she let our her feelings of annoyance it would result in rejection for my wife? I think that may be the case. So now that my wife is more able to separate herself from the girls, not needing to use them as a defence against both her mum and by implication me, she can allow our oldest to express her emotions in such a way that could be taken as rejection. Actually she's just being honest. But my wife is learning that it's not a personal attack on her ability as a mum or anything else.

How wonderful!

I'm writing lots - one or two stories a week, and enjoying that. I still take photos, though more in the warmer weather. I love fishing, but again when it's warmer. Blue sky days being my favourite. I have two good male friends who live in the village. Open and honest with both. My wife is making friends, both where she used to live, as well as in the village. Oh how wonderful. My strength is returning, I'm going to the gym and it's not taking me down, I'm eating anything I want, and my wife is not blaming me for her pain anymore. And when she does I think of polo mints. God - I love him - though I've still to work some stuff out there, like church for example. My family - still some work to do there, but I don't feel as defensive now - so there's hope there too. I can see that if I get fit, I can go back to work, and work an honest day! But balanced. As a father, husband, friend, me.. YIPPEEE

Thanks. The real God - thanks so much.

Confidence

The thing about therapy, is that it focussed on difficult and painful areas. For myself, and my wife, it results in an almost whirlpool of self doubt and second guessing. Is what I am doing right? What's the motive behind it? Is there a pain, a fear, something I'm hiding? In short, though it works through lots of paindul stuff from the past (telling your life story), and results in significant change as you realise what you do why you do, it also robs you of confidence.

Or at least that's my experience. The last month or more have been overwhelmed by a sense of no confidence in who I am. Maybe that's normal. But it's very difficult. Can't move forward with confidence, because I may be wrong. I may be getting it wrong. It may be because my dad or mum did something or other. That's the difficulty of therapy - you (potentially) lose a sense of perspective.

Since stopping with my therapist, this is what I've struggled with - as I've written in previous postings. It's taken me, a lady from Australia I've never met and friends to pull me to where I am now. Which is, you know, I'm ok.

I feel I've worked through what I wanted to in therapy. I'm realising I can be right, and be wrong, and it doesn't matter. I'm realising that my wife has been wrong about me - actually much of the time. She has realised only today that when she looks at me or hears me, she is actually seeing her mum, or hearing her mum.

No wonder she doesn't bloody fancy me! And because I've gained more confidence again, and am practicing the polo mint routine (which I need to write about - but basically every time I feel myself going into a tail spin of second guessing - most of the time in relationship to my wife telling me I'm getting something wrong - I should think of a polo mint to stop me in my tracks and stop me going down the old worn and now not useful trains of thought), meaning that I am not succumbing to my wife's defences. Et voila. She has realised that when I am being nice, she is seeing aggressive - why? because that's what her mum did.

I couldn't win! And it's not about winning - but yippee!!!!

God speaking from strange places?

I have been on a website which allows me to post photos and stories, and in the process I have got to know a lady from Australia. She is a most amazing artist. About ten days ago I posted a journal on there with some thoughts on rainbows. She responded immediately, pouring out her heart.

Turns out she was rejected by her parents and she went to live with her grandparents who couldn't look after he properly. She was already wanting to commit suicide at four years old when God spoke to her as she sat in front of her mirror. She's had it tough, but she believes that God saved her life that day.

Her church experience includes burn out, rejection etc. So she hasn't been for around 15 years. Yet she loves the Lord. She pours her life into her art - which is wonderful.

Anyway -we have been conversing via emails, and yesterday she wrote this email to me and it caused me to cry..

It was her response after I'd sent my last journal posting from here to her.. The bold bit is an excerpt from my blog..

Dearest Mark,

Why? Because of the people. We want real relationships. We want to worship. Fall on our faces before the living God. See God’s power, changing, saving, healing, delivering, dealing, sorting, gracious, merciful. Powerful life changing teaching, bone cut from marrow, thoughts and intents of the heart. Rhema. The weight of God’s presence

Mark … God plucked you out of ministry for a reason…sincerely….I think and believe that God is making ready his army of men and women all over the world…some are in churches and some are not…but all of us on the same plane with the same level of understanding and belief….with the same jadedness, pain and passion, the same longings….and do you know why…..BECAUSE WE ARE THE HEART OF GOD…. for some unknown reason God chose to mirror his heart in our hearts…and we will never be happy with the mundaneness of going through the motions..you would be surprised just how many men are in your position right now, crying out to their Father in Heaven, but he is preparing you Mark for the times ahead….He had to pluck you out to do it….take heart Mark, take heart….try to believe me, try to believe a little of what I’m saying – because I’ve known from the age of 4….. because I’ve known without the help or aid of adults or angels or teacher….because He spoke to me then, and he speaks to me now….I have heard the voices of angels singing in choirs of heaven Mark…they sound like silver waterfalls…..it is unimaginable and the sweetest sound…. there is beauty untold and a great many things that we do not yet understand, but you must try and look at this from the bigger picture…..and see yourself as God see you, humbled…right where he wants a man to be…vulnerable…humbled and wanting….wanting to do right, wanting to love his family, wanting to serve God and his fellow man…

Sometimes I am just overwhelmed with compassion, and when I got just halfway through your journal I felt the Holy Spirit come upon me (believe me, that doesn’t happen too often) and I couldn’t ignore it…. I think that God wanted to say something to you through me…I’m glad you shared your journal and everything with me, I have been sobbing and then when I read all the FUCKS I couldn’t stop laughing and laughing at how honest you are and the hint of sarcasm if I can call it that!!!! I’ve put in italics at the end of the bmail what it was I felt God saying…if it doesn’t resonate with you, just ignore it. And yes, it is comforting in a strange way to know that we are fellow travellers in this journey and to hear your anguish just touched me in such a deep way……for I know this one thing, that perhaps you don’t. When you cried these things out to God, his heart reached out to you……….there was a reaching out of God’s hand toward you, he heard you in a BIG way….he’s been quiet, yes, I know…..but he’s there…believe me, he’s there…. What you want so badly, this healing….it’ll come eventually…but there is a reason for what you are going through, it’s necessary…..try to stop fighting it and let it go….no matter how hard you try, you won’t fix it…but when you pray BELIEVE in your heart that at the right and appropriate time your healing will come…but you will be a changed person…a changed man…for no longer will you anguish over why – there will be a fresh dawning of understanding come upon you, as though a veil has been lifted…..as though the sun dried up the misty dark morning and the world will be in soft hues of dawn and pretty colours afforded by sunlight and warmth will be rekindled and flowing once again, there will be warmth once again……

This is a terribly tough time for you right now…and often following the anguish of the soul where there is so much turmoil…there seems to be a lull, where you can be still and quiet and recover……I feel like you have been practically ripping out your hair and wearing sackcloth…..but in time you will be restored. The only way you can help others is to go through this hell…. And to just be you…you are right now really discovering the real you…warts and all…maybe to you that’s not a pretty sight, but it’s all God ever wanted from you….just you…..no pretense or airs or graces and if that means you get it wrong 80% of the time, as long as you are humble and keep on admitting it……do you realise how nice that is, to know a person that cares about being or doing wrong, and then wants to try and get it right…it’s rather unusual….it’s rather Christian, it’s really rather what God is looking for in people….this is the example to which followers of Christ should look…for the only solace one will ever find…is in God himself…falling one one’s knees in repentance and whilst in the vileness of all that suffering, he turns himself over to God and says, and yet….I remain a vessel for you Lord……and yet, even though you may have spurned me and yet turned away from me, I will follow you, until the end of time….I will be loyal and faithful…forgive my sin, set my feet upon the rock and reach down from heaven and touch me…make your face to shine upon me……do not leave me here in this terrible place of suffering…

Mark, honestly, how can you ever go forth in live and love and healing and helping and ministering without enduring this terrible terrible thorn in your side, just as Paul did, as Job did….as so many did….this is the making of a man…. My Scottie is yet to go through anything like this…but he would gain a lot of respect from me, if that’s what happened….recently he did start to say a few things about our relationship that really touched and moved me and showed me there was something deeper there…..a woman will love that…I think your wife will love you to be deep, honest and meaningful with her…it is important for us as women to nurture, if and when you let us in we have the ability to love, far greater than you can imagine….i hope you can do that, probably you are doing that already…but life can just be so difficult and busy as well….

Sometimes, too….navel gazing needs to be put an end to….and we need to start looking outward again…just slowly and little by little…because we can become too insular….this is my own experience….. but I don’t know you all that well…and all we are doing is sharing our feelings and our testimonies I guess…..and our journey, so I don’t want to sound full of useless useless meaningless advice…that’s not really important or necessary…. You just needed to be heard….I heard you… I heard the cry of your heart…and I cupped my face in my hands and sobbed my heart out….and then you made me laugh and laugh and laugh…that’s the stuff sermons are made of…. Powerful ….the ability to make people both laugh and cry with the twist of a phrase.

“Do you not know, have you not heard….. I have loved your from the beginning, when the morning was still fesh and the flowers pretty in the field I dream t of you, enjoying the day and sitting by my side…we would laugh and sing and be companions in this life, and in amongst the grass and the green fields the tips of the grass would tickle you against your skin and the sun would light up your face, and dance all around you… for I am your forever friend, I am your forever friend, you never have to ‘be’ anything special for me to love you, for I made you special from the start, you are all that I expected you to be, you are not in any way failing me Mark…this is my heart, this is the fruth. Although you feel tortured and tried and ugly inside, I see that you strive so for healing and heart, to be made right, but would is right Mrk..o listen to me, your papa, I speak to you now from the lofty places and beg of you my voice when I speak…for you are the one I created you to be, and with that I am happy son, your smile lights the way, your heart is contrite and you care about wrong and right, you have a passion that is fruitful in itself and I’ve dealt with many worse men on many occasions, none have a heart like I have given you…why do you see the gifts I have given you in a poor light….in a negative way, see that I have given you all of creation to enjoy…but you squander that and forget to listen and forget to look…you are forgetting the precious gifts I have given you and your suffering is paramount and mounting higher and deeper than life itself. I admire your strength and your versatility, I admire your heart and your strength, I’ve given ou my passion and heart fro the lost…I’ve given you a shepherd’s heart, I’ve given you so much Mark and now you want more…you want to know healing…. Then you must ask for it and believe it with all your heart that I will bring it to you, for this will come….in what form you will not know now, but in the days ahead will come thunder and lightning and rain and your life will not have been lived in vain or in vanity….you will think that forever you sit there on the sidelines unnoticed unimportant…but for a time, you must sit out fo the race in order to learn my way, in order to learn my language, in order to understand the heart of God and the pain of suffering and loneliness, because it is only then, and I mean only then that you will be released to hope and share and this will come about eventually, but you mustn’t despair anymore….i know how you suffer and I breathe my breath upon you to give you new life, and I wish for you to suffer no more and from this guilt you dread which torments you I would like to give you sweet relief….but for now it is necessary…it will not always be so…for I will release you in the days to come…I will release you Mark, my son…. Take heart, for you will be known to yourself and others as lionhearted and true…there is nothing greater for your to aspire to than this…. In time your wife and children will come round but it will take time, and patience, and more suffering….there are no quick fixes……..time is needed here, and in hindsight, looking back you will know Mark, you will know that I was with you, right through it all…but for now you are in an empty place, ridden with ugly scenes and pictures in your mind, full of disgust and loathing not only for me but for yourself…and there are others too…but you will soon forgive and understand that none meant you great harm…and that this time is for a purpose and a reason AND A SEASON … for Mark everything is but for a season….”

What would life be like if we only ever got what we expected and hoped for, nothing would we be but spoilt and selfish children…it is all the knocks that polish of those sharp edges and make you beautiful, interesting, full of character…..try not to see yourself as ‘failure’ as ‘wrong’ as ‘guiltridden’ – i don’t see you that way at all…..it’s strange….instead i see this…

a man on his knees before God
he cries out with all his heart like many i’ve read about in the bible
like Jesus Christ
he suffers
he cries
he feels alone
he feels abandoned
it is like Gethsemene
you asked him, make me like you Lord…
he said…..i will
he is
you are
see this new thing he’s doing in you
you don’t have to try so hard…..
it’s happening anyway
despite all your efforts…
you can’t force it
you can’t hurry it
you must find patience
and be longsuffering
and you will be blessed and
a great blessing…you already have been to me…