A worthless shit

I can't do it. I TRY SO HARD. But I still can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it.

By the age of ten I thought I was a dick head. By thirteen a rotten shit. There's no way I would have admitted that. In fact I fought very hard not to believe that. My dad treated me like shit, but at the same time offered me salvation in the form of church.

At church I was someone. A special one. A chosen one. Treated preferentially. By my parents as well as others in the church - especially once my dad became a pastor at the age of 14.

But I have worked so hard to prove them wrong. That I am valuable, likeable, confident, worth knowing. On my own account.

And then I sit with my wife, and she tells me that she is unable to relate to me. That we have nothing in common. That I am unable to relate to her. I am paralysed. Utterly. Yesterday was a bad day, as I felt the strongest feelings again, as if she was wanting to trap me. And today she's telling me she can't continue as it is. She can't put herself through it. That she is the one who initiates everything, hobbies, interests, excitement. That actually I'm a boring sod.

And my insides are paralysed. I feel that I am staring into an abyss. HELP. I'm just a worthless shit. I treat my wife like shit. I find it impossible to relate at a real sustained deep level. I'm fine at work, because I've learnt to use my hard fought for defences. BUT. With my wife. CRAP.

I can't do it. I can't be the person she wants me to be. I don't know how to behave. I can't relate to her. I can't. I just can't. When she wants some emotional relationship with me I recoil in horror. As if she's the bitch from hell. As if she is my mum, dad and sisters all in one. BUT SHE'S NOT. She's lovely. Sensitive. Bright. Humourful. Caring. Loving. I would be lost without her.

SO CRAP. I love her so much. And yet I am paralysed. Unable to respond to her love. In fact worse, recoil from her as if she has rabies. Ebola. WHY? Because my parents were so crap. Because I have not been taught/learnt how to relate at a real and deep level. CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP.

Paralysis. Like being sucked into a dark vacuum. Not somewhere I want to go. WHY?

Is it because deep down I know myself to be a worthless shit? A turd floating on the surface of the seas. Nowhere. No meaning. Nothing. Just crap.. Fucking hell. What did I believe from my parents? What did they teach me about me? That I was just some oink? Someone to boss. Someone to tell what to do. Someone who needed to fulfil their own weak crapness? Their own pains? Feelings of failure? I was the answer to their need, so I felt their need. And wasn't allowed to develop my own. Wasn't allowed to think what I wanted to. Instead learnt that to go towards emotions was an incredible painful thing to do - a stupid thing to do - for the pain was too great.

CRAP CRAP CRAP. Thanks a lot mum and dad. For teaching me crap. Feeding me on crap. Making me believe that our crap was better than what anyone else had. Judging everyone else who had pureity, honesty, caring empathy - that they were crap, and really our crap was gold. To be treasured.

FUCK OFF.

BLOODY HELL.

WHAT AN ABSOLUTE LOAD OF BOLLOCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You don't have a clue. Never did. Still don't. And yet you still peddle the crap. I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE.

Why. Why can't I relate to the wife I love. Why have I judged her so? Why have I hurt her so? Why do I recoil from her? Why do I treat her like shit? I don't want to. I try so hard. I always have. I don't want to be like this. I didn't want to be like this. Not at school. Not at home. And yet here I am. twenty two years after I left home, and my wife tells me I am like living with a shit.

I AM NOT A WORTHLESS SHIT. I just am not. No matter what people have told me, acted towards me. I am real. I am alive. I have feelings. I am human. I have qualities. I am faithful. Caring. Passionate. Loving. Giving. I try. I want more. I want. I desire. I care.

I may not know HOW to care. How to relate at a deep emotional level. How to put others first. It does not mean I don't want to do those things. I really really do. I really want to. It's what I want. I don't want to be stuck in the past. I'm willing to see a cold therapist sifting through my darkest fears, feelings and pains. Willing to be raped in order to find life. Truth. Freedom.

GOD I WANT TO CHANGE.

I so want to be different. So want to be able to.

School - I was not a worthless shit. What you reflected back to me was not true. I was not worthless. I wasn't just a kid to pick on. Master... Nicknames. Bullying. Treating me worse than shit. FUCK OFF.

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AND WHAT IS WITH THE DOMINATION AND CONTROL PARENTS?

Eh? Was I too big for you? Were you scared of me? Or is it just that your own pain was SoooOOOSOOOoo great you needed to treat us like shit to make you feel better? Make me feel like shit. Not allow me my own opinions. My own thoughts. My own development. To wear my own clothes. Listen to my own music. Read my own books. Go out with my own girlfriends. Drink my own pints. Think my own thoughts.

FUCK OFF. FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF.

I demand my own thinking, my own way of life. Not tainted by your own crappy pain. Not needing to live in your narcisstic world. BEING FREE TO BE ME. Warts and all. Mistakes and all. Whether wrong or right. I AM ALLOWED TO BE THAT, TO DO THAT.

I AM ALLOWED.

I AM ALLOWED.

I AM ALLOWED.

Parent yourself Mark. Allow yourself to be free. Yes work through the pain, but you are allowed to be free. You don't need to follow the crap pedagogy peddled by your parents.

IT WAS WRONG.

What they taught you was wrong, because it was based on their own pain, their own twisted view of the world. They were incapable of teaching you. And you enetered the world of life, of adulthood of marriage with this horribly tainted viewpoint of the world.

And if you could work it out intellectually you already would have - for you are a bright chappy.

So don't beat yourself up. Allow yourself to cry the tears, and be nice to yourself.