Sex and masturbation

Last night I was talking to my wife about sex. She wanted it, and I was nervous. Oh I wanted sex with her as I think she's a babe. But I was also acutely aware of the fact that so often she had wanted sex with me because a) she is feeling horny, and b) I'm the only permissible male she can have sex with. So often it was more out of horny desperation to have sex rather than because she liked me for me.

So that sparked off a whole conversation last night - and I revisited my teenage years. And I remembered that had been guilt ridden about the subject of masturbation from approx 12 when I first started through to late twenties - and even now there are still vestiges of guilt.

Masturbation was something that was in control of me. I would masturbate at least once a day, sometimes three or more times. I would do it in the toilets at school, sometimes in the classroom under the desk whilst we were all listening to Mrs XXXX (she was fit). At home, in bed.. anywhere.

I was sex crazed.

And I was frightened stiff that when I was at church someone would find out. God would speak to them and point the finger at me and say "You, you sex crazed person with no control and lots of lust." Terrified. It filled my every thought, dominated my prayer life. God release me from this thing I would cry. I fasted. I wailed. I fought. I exercised will power. Yet I masturbated.

And of course I didn't masturbate with a picture of a blank wall in my mind. No. there were luscious ladies seducing me with their long legs, gorgeous breasts.. To begin with I fantasied about girls (remember I was 12/13) appearing in my bedroom. Then it moved onto seduction by any female anywhere.

It dominated my thinking and filled me with guilt.

And it lasted a long time.

What did that do to me?

And why was I so guilt ridden? Because of church. Because of my parents. They must have communicated something to us as kids, and me in particular. It was a hidden secret. Something to be ashamed of. I could not be normal with normal blokes, have normal conversations, have a drink, go out with normal girls, listen to normal music, or, as it turns out, masturbate.

Another example of control and domination. It was never a subject that was raised, but how my parents judged others I guess told me loud and clear. There were just some things you should never think or do. And I was. Lots.

Crap and bollocks. Why were my parents so inadequate so that I ended up SO guilt ridden. I remember at uni I was in fear of one guy who would often prophecy and have words of knowledge. Terrified he would look at me and see me for who I really was. A sex crazed lustful young man.

But of course THIS IS NORMAL! I'm a bloke. A man. I like women. I think they are beautiful. I love sex. I love their bodies. Their tits. Their legs. Their breasts, their necks, their smiles, their eyes, their hair, their softness... I love everything about a feminine woman.

AND THAT IS HOW GOD MADE ME!