My values

Values and rules
15 most important values to me in life

1. Truthful
2. Significance
3. Love
4. Freedom
5. Growth
6. Able to can do
7. Family
8. Safety
9. Ability – to work, to earn money, to provide, to care
10. Loyalty
11. Godliness, (true, loyal, loving)
12. Giving
13. Honesty
14. Security
15. Health – physical, emotional, spiritual wholeness

Ten most important values - what has to happen in order for me to feel;

1. Accepted – people accept me for who I really am. They do not judge, put me down, dominate or marginalise me. They accept me warts and all and are willing, nay wanting to invest in me, spend time with me, listen to me. They will accept me even if I get it wrong. I would feel that no matter what I did they accepted me.


My comment: This is interesting as for the first time I can see both what I want, and what others would want. I.e. my wife. She wants to be heard no matter whether she gets it right or not. Same for me. I hadn't realised this until I'd written this list.

2. Significant – people treat me as if I really matter. They will prioritise time to be with me, be willing to count the cost if it hurts. Even if I do something wrong they will still treat me as if I matter. That I matter despite what I do, or don’t do.
3. Listened to – people listen to the real me. Focused attention, really listening, taking the time out to listen, hearing what I say and remember. Even if I get it wrong.

My comment: even if I get it wrong! So I am allowed to get it wrong, and those who love me will still listen to me, still appreciate me, still accept me. This is not what I expect. What I expect is that if I get it wrong, those who love me will reject me.

4. Respected – people respect not so much what I do (though that’s always nice) but rather who I am. As a husband, as a father, as a friend, as a loyal hard working caring courageous person. Even if I get it wrong, they will still respect me.

My comment - again the key thing for me here is 'even if I am wrong'.

5. Freedom - I am not unduly constrained by others, and have freedom to pursue my desires and goals. I am set free to pursue my goals, not blinkered or limited by other’s limited experience or thinking. I have to be able to think outside of the box. I hate small minded thinking, rules for the sake of rules, people who are unable to get the big picture. To be honest I hate most constraints forced on me by others.


My comment - I understand after 16 months of therapy that is in direct response to my father who tried to dominate (who did!) me, control me and stop me from acting in ways I wanted to. I responded by beating anyone who tried to do the same.

6. Family – spending time as a family together for; fun, being serious, discussing weighty issues, correction, watching films, joy, bringing others into the family at opportune times such as friends, wider family etc.

My comment: Do I actually do this or is it something I FEEL I should do - I.e. a sense of duty. Is it therefore really genuine what I do or driven by duty and guilt. Is it an extension of who I am, my priorities or just something I feel I should so as it's the right thing to do. There are aspects of this which I do naturally - but I think it's the sense of duty which is so cancerous.

7. Security – I am able to provide for my family. This includes not only earning enough money to care for both important and day to day things such as a house, car, food etc, but also safety (my family feels safe, so I live in a safe area, ensure safety of their persons etc.) and wholeness (emotional, physical, spiritual).

My comment: i think this is bigger than I realise. I really want my family to have the choice to pick from the best. I have a big house in an affluent area, enough money and the girls have pretty much what they want/need. After seven months on a sabbatical and knowing that I want to sell the company my mind is starting to think about how I can make some serious money in the future.

8. Integrity – means there is no falseness in any of my dealings. From within me, my family, friends and colleagues there exists a mutual trust based on integrity in all things.

My comment: I'm pretty sure this is a base belief, core to my being. Albeit at times, maybe a sense of duty too. Starting the business has made me think through aspects of integrity from time to time, but on the whole (in the main, completely) I'm happy with where I stand on this issue.

9. Healthy – I am physically fit (health, food, running, gym), emotionally whole (therapy, free from past issues), spiritually alive (relationship with God) and in good relationships (wife, family, friends)

My comment: I am still working through much of this. My exhaustion pre-therapy and further crapness during therapy has meant that although my bowels are much more comfortable I am still tired. I hope that I can start to pick up fitness again shortly. Spiritually I am still separating my parents from God and church - and am smack in the middle of working this through. I have NO desire to go to church right now - for to me it is full of reminders of past injustices and hypocrisy.

10. Generosity, I am willing to give to others (time, care, support, finance), and would expect the same in return

My comment - do I actually do this?

Top five moving-away-from values; What are the feelings I would do almost anything to avoid feeling? And what are the associated rules?

1. Entrapment – that someone would cause me to feel trapped, through coercion, manipulation, limiting my choices, applying what I would consider the wrong rules, taking away my choice or freedom. If I allow someone to remove any of my choices or freedom I will feel trapped so work hard to ensure this does not happen.

My comment: Interesting -for this dominates my thinking in regards to almost everything I do. I must be free to be able to make my own choices - even if they are themselves predetermined. I will be my own boss, don't want to submit or be accountable to anyone else (certainly not if I don't believe they have my best interests at heart). As such church is right off the agenda - for to go to church is a) to submit to someone else preaching even if it's pants, b) attend home groups even if they are pants, c) fit into to the life and soul of the church - even if there is no one I would get on with. It's just not happening at the moment.


2. Humiliation – being made to feel small, public humiliation, a dominant person in a crowd pointing out my failings in an ungracious attacking and nasty manner. Ensure I am never in a position to be humiliated – so will avoid types who my humiliate me by their greater knowledge or I will ensure that I am never humiliated by ensuring that I dominate or at least equal or ostracize any dominating person who may seek to humiliate me.
3. Dominated – anyone who tries to dominate me in any setting such that my choices become limited. See entrapment and humiliation above.
4. Rejection – Anyone who matters to me (family, friends, colleague) – anyone who I want to like me, rejecting me. Ensure that those who matter don’t reject me by a) trying very hard and b) trying very hard – I will do anything to try and win them over. I real body language like a radar to check that no is rejecting me, and if I sense they are will either remove me from them, them for me, be extra (overly) nice towards them, or boot them out (if in a company)
5. That I got it wrong - I will try hard, then harder still if I get it wrong to ensure I don’t. If I do, and it’s an area that matters to me then I take it very personally.

My comment - this is something which I think I am working through at the moment. And it's liberating.