My therapist - do I continue?

Over the last week I've thought long and hard about my therapist - and whether I should continue with him.

I've thought through the following;

• How difficult it has been - being in the same room with him, his style, his personality etc. It's as if I've been in a room with someone I don't really like, a "small" person, a jobsworth, not warm.. I told him that out of ten people I could meet in a pub he'd be the least likely person I'd speak to.
• What has he done to make it easier for me? The first session where I felt raped was because of his style. He was in control, and he kept it. From my perspective he wasn't willing to be flexible to reach out to me in my distress
• I don't feel that he is "carrying me" - in the sense of really being there for me.
  
• I would like him to explain context, rather than staying in a position of power. I hate it when he asks for no apparent reason "Is your mouth dry?". If he explained why he was asking, what the point was, I'd be ok.
  
• It's a professional relationship which I pay him for. It's a strict 50 minutes.

So - what would I look for? What is that I want?

• Someone who I feel is completely on my side, and explains to me the process as we go through it.

Maybe that's me wanting to be in control. But is that so wrong? If I am aware of that and actively working on that, what's wrong with it? Do I have to make it as difficult as possible for me because that's a true martyr's cause? Willing to take the hardest most difficult road because that will be good for me? Or is it better for me if I make it easier for myself, whilst still working through the stuff.

For me to carry on is like choosing to submit to the abuser in order to do the right thing. Why is it wrong to say, no, I'm not going to do that anymore? I'd rather have someone who doesn't remind me of my abuser. If I go to God - does he feel like my abuser when I spend time in his presence? I guess the honest answer to that is I'm not sure. I don't think I do when I really find myself in his presence, I find myself crying at his love. That's certainly not how I feel with my therapist.

His style and personality strikes me as somewhat cold and odd. Distanced, removed - yet he is a person who cares. I can see that. Yet at the same time it's excruciatingly difficult (easier as time has gone on but still difficult) to see him, talk with him.

So what's right? What's wrong? My mate last night really challenged me on this issue. He's had experience with a therapist with a similar style "Mark", he said, "what's really going on here? You are performing a character assassination. Is it your dad? Transference? Projections? Are you wanting him to be your friend?"

And it got me thinking again.

My wife from her experience says "does he believe in you, is he on your side, does he explain?" - and the answer to that is in the main, no. She strongly believes I should stop seeing him and find a therapist I can get on with.

I told my therapist all of this yesterday, and today called him to say I wanted a break. Yesterday he was angry and "pissed off". He felt I was calling him cold and calculating. He told me he felt he had put 14 months of hard work into the relationship and he thought it was progressing well. I said that what I was explaining was how I felt, within the context of my therapy...

Watch this space.