Life didn't turn out as expected

Here I am listening to the latest Hillsong CD, This is Our God..

And the praise and worship draws on my heart strings, tears well up into my eyes. Many of the tracks are soul music - they appeal to the soul at an emotional level. And I want to worship, fall at my maker's feet. Worship him. Thank him.

And cry. Cry that this is not what I expected. This is not what I planned, thought would happen. I am imperfect - I thought I would be perfect by now. All that time with you Lord, following you, listening to you and I am still so far from perfect, aside from you.

Physically I am not 100%. More like 50-60%. Which is a great improvement on what it was, but it's not near 100%!

Emotionally - I am constrained. Still impacted by my childhood. Still a child on the inside in many areas - wrongly so.

Spiritually - hmmfff. No idea where I am. Other than the fact that deep down, I absolutely love the Lord.

Why do I still get it wrong? Why do I feel wrong? That I am getting it wrong? See my last post on rejection. With my wife. The closest person to me. The person I most want to be at one with, closest to. And yet I get it wrong. Daily. I don't want to get it wrong. I want to get it right.

I am fed up of getting it wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

I got it wrong as a child. I couldn't get it right with my dad. For all the reasons I wrote, but it still hurts so. My mum would add a level of guilt on top of that. I know all this. I've cried over it, but as the many layers of an onion, I'm still working through them.

I can forget it all and worship God. Feel his love. Know his acceptance. Know that he loves me no matter what. I can not get it wrong with God. Cos his grace covers all. He died for me. Lives within me. I can't get it wrong. I am going to heaven. Thank you Lord.

But meanwhile, on this earth, with my wife and kids. I find myself lost. Paralysed by rejection. Lord I don't want that anymore. I want to be able to stand as a man. Relate as a man. And once a man become like a child yes, but I want to be able to stand. A man of God. A husband and father. A friend and leader.

I don't want to be so affected by external things and people, but to be more internally referenced. referenced by you. Your identity within me, who you created me to be.

But Lord I don't get why I have been carrying around all this pain within me, when I have been trying to follow you all these years. I guess I feel let down by you too. Why haven't you reached down and touched me? Healed me? Set me free? Released all the pain and muck? The rejection, insecurity? Even if I were 80% of the way there, that would be far more than most. Or even what most normal people... who is normal. I know. But. Still. God I want you to reach in and fix me.

Oh you have. The refiners fire. The wine press. Molten metals.. Bruised but not broken. Refined by fire, by hardship. Going through the hard time. But God - what I want is to be made whole. To be set free from the pain and hurts of the past. That I may be free to be a man. Not bound by my parent's abuse.

I thought this stuff was to do with being more holy. Being more pure. Sifting our motives, desires.. I am talking about abuse from the past. Rejection by my father. Controlled and dominated. Guilt ridden. It's a paralysing force - why am I still carrying it? Why haven't you released me from it?

Lord - you word talks lots about you being a healer. Unless you call me seeing a therapist, paying a lot of money, and it being an excruciatingly difficult process, your healing - then what? God I am cross at you. I'm cross that my dad did that to me. My mum did that to me. That I am like I am, and that you haven't done something about it. I followed you. I tried so hard. In my mistaken pain filled emotions blah blah I still wanted to follow you. Lord I believe in you. Lord I put my hope in you. I dared to believe you. I cried out to you. Lord I tried so hard. So damn hard. And what? Rejected by the church. Spurned by the leaders. Fuck church. Crappy crap crap. Whjy? sg jasg jgj gjgjgjg jgjgjgjgj

God it does not make sense to me. Lord I've given you my life. Why didn't you take it? Why didn't you mould it? Here's the song singing "nothing is impossible to you", "you are my healer".. and yet. Here I am strangled by the abuse of the past. The hurt. The pain. I am paralysed by the rejection. Fuck. God why? WhY? WHY?

My thinking must be wrong. I must be wrong. Again. I must have got it wrong yet again. Wrong Mark. 0/10. Fail.

Crap. That's not the summary I want on my life. He tried, bless him, but ultimately he was undone because he failed. His parents failed him in so many ways. He wasn't able to rid himself from the pain of it. He tried. Oh he tried. But he got it wrong you see. Thought he was trusting God but all along he was deluded. He wasn't really trusting God. He was really trying to cling to some childish fantasy in order to make him feel better, to somehow divorce himself from his own childhood pain. CRAP. I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT. I DO NOT WANT TO BELIEVE THAT.

God - I come to you afresh. Warts and all. In my humanity, with my rejection and insecurities.

And yet..

'The same power that conquered the grave lives in me' - right now I find that crap..

For surely if you lived in me with that power, you would completely revolutionise me? Heal me? Save me from the inside.

God I don't like being me when I am stuck in my fear fueled childhood. I don't want it.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Yes I know I have worked on loads of areas in therapy. And I've changed lots. Now I am taking a break. But I feel as if there is still so much to do. My therapist would challenge that (as he challenges everything). It always feels this way, the moment I run into what feels like a wall. WHAM. It fills my vision. Despair clings to my soul.

I guess, bottom line, this is not what I expected. Not what I thought I had faith for. My faith was for a 5,000 strong church. Healings. Deliverance. Salvation. Miracles. Power of God, evident. Unbelievers falling on their knees. And I would be in the thick of it. Me with my family. Sold out for God. Willing to do all and be all.

And here I am. Listening to a worship CD, on my own, crying, heart full of.. emotion, wranglings, disappointment, pain, fear, failure, humanity.. Not going to church. My oldest daughter assenting to God, but wanting to do what her friends do. My youngest wanting to follow God but unsure how to. My wife feeling the same as me - the last place we want to go to is the church. Why? Because of the people. We want real relationships. We want to worship. Fall on our faces before the living God. See God's power, changing, saving, healing, delivering, dealing, sorting, gracious, merciful. Powerful life changing teaching, bone cut from marrow, thoughts and intents of the heart. Rhema. The weight of God's presence.

God, how can I want you so much, and yet not want you at all? Disappointment drives the latter, love the former.

Lord, I don't know how, but please help us. Bring your truth, not ours. Guide and lead us. Guide and lead my girls. My wife. Me. Lord brings us to a drinking place, where we can enjoy your spirit and real relationships. Is this just heaven I talk about - or is it possible here? Lord I think of Karin and Scott. Dave and Donna. And so many others. Have we all got it so wrong. Are we all just products of our childhood? Wanting to, and yet not able to? Crap to that. Absolutely crap. I'm not willing to settle for that. God - if you are God. Come and visit us again. Come and heal us. Allow us to see you. In the here and now.

Oh God how? This is not what I expected.