Back in the mire

Groan. I felt so good for two or three days, and wham. Back in the mire. Don't get me wrong. The 2-3 days were wonderful. Reminding me of what I will feel like when I've worked through this crap. I had a nice birthday (fishing :).

So. What am I working through now?

My sisters for one. My parents for two. My wife for three.

Sisters. I actually sent an email describing some of where I am at to my next sister. Not sure she could handle what I wrote but I wanted to be honest. I told her that her "Mark shaped hole" was not something I could ever fill and was down to the poor parenting she'd had.

As I start to look at my sisters I realise how much anger and yuckiness there is to work through. It's as if they too personify my parents. And when I feel like this so does my wife.

It's horrible. The tops/backs of my eyes really ache, and have done for over the last month. I feel tired again, with no motivation to do anything.

The company is still losing money, and we will have to change our dividends for PAYE - meaning a greater loss for the company and paying ourselves a much smaller amount.

So, thanks are great. Today I can't face my wife. I feel that she wants me to do things with her all of the time - even if she doesn't. I feel that I have no real choice about what I do during each day. Which is naff - whether it's true or not. She doesn't want me to go on the laptop, or the xbox, for in so doing I am cutting her off and we may as well be separated.

She is good at getting me to feel guilt for her situation - even if this is my issue. If she is not feeling to good I will bend over backwards. If she needs her space I will give it to her. If I need some space then I may aswell go and stay in a hotel she says. For it's painful to her if I do not connect with her, want to spend time with her.

This is all so mixed up with my parents - I know it - and yet it's here and now, with my wife that I feel it.

And yet my eyes ache. I feel like shit warmed up. Unmotivated.

I need to earn some money - but how can I when I feel like this?

Business mentoring or coaching is what I am looking into at the moment. The local business help organisation pays £125/half day, and provided I'm successful on my application I an expect to get 2-4 sessions a month. So that won't pay for anything.

So. Time marches merrily on. I work through crap. My wife does the same. My daughter is off school with bad period stuff - a lot. My youngest can be extraordinarily demanding. I need to earn some money, pay a £30k tax bill for a share sale we didn't get any money for. Yet I can't cos I feel crap. It's all crap.

Welcome to therapy.