Life didn't turn out as expected

Here I am listening to the latest Hillsong CD, This is Our God..

And the praise and worship draws on my heart strings, tears well up into my eyes. Many of the tracks are soul music - they appeal to the soul at an emotional level. And I want to worship, fall at my maker's feet. Worship him. Thank him.

And cry. Cry that this is not what I expected. This is not what I planned, thought would happen. I am imperfect - I thought I would be perfect by now. All that time with you Lord, following you, listening to you and I am still so far from perfect, aside from you.

Physically I am not 100%. More like 50-60%. Which is a great improvement on what it was, but it's not near 100%!

Emotionally - I am constrained. Still impacted by my childhood. Still a child on the inside in many areas - wrongly so.

Spiritually - hmmfff. No idea where I am. Other than the fact that deep down, I absolutely love the Lord.

Why do I still get it wrong? Why do I feel wrong? That I am getting it wrong? See my last post on rejection. With my wife. The closest person to me. The person I most want to be at one with, closest to. And yet I get it wrong. Daily. I don't want to get it wrong. I want to get it right.

I am fed up of getting it wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

I got it wrong as a child. I couldn't get it right with my dad. For all the reasons I wrote, but it still hurts so. My mum would add a level of guilt on top of that. I know all this. I've cried over it, but as the many layers of an onion, I'm still working through them.

I can forget it all and worship God. Feel his love. Know his acceptance. Know that he loves me no matter what. I can not get it wrong with God. Cos his grace covers all. He died for me. Lives within me. I can't get it wrong. I am going to heaven. Thank you Lord.

But meanwhile, on this earth, with my wife and kids. I find myself lost. Paralysed by rejection. Lord I don't want that anymore. I want to be able to stand as a man. Relate as a man. And once a man become like a child yes, but I want to be able to stand. A man of God. A husband and father. A friend and leader.

I don't want to be so affected by external things and people, but to be more internally referenced. referenced by you. Your identity within me, who you created me to be.

But Lord I don't get why I have been carrying around all this pain within me, when I have been trying to follow you all these years. I guess I feel let down by you too. Why haven't you reached down and touched me? Healed me? Set me free? Released all the pain and muck? The rejection, insecurity? Even if I were 80% of the way there, that would be far more than most. Or even what most normal people... who is normal. I know. But. Still. God I want you to reach in and fix me.

Oh you have. The refiners fire. The wine press. Molten metals.. Bruised but not broken. Refined by fire, by hardship. Going through the hard time. But God - what I want is to be made whole. To be set free from the pain and hurts of the past. That I may be free to be a man. Not bound by my parent's abuse.

I thought this stuff was to do with being more holy. Being more pure. Sifting our motives, desires.. I am talking about abuse from the past. Rejection by my father. Controlled and dominated. Guilt ridden. It's a paralysing force - why am I still carrying it? Why haven't you released me from it?

Lord - you word talks lots about you being a healer. Unless you call me seeing a therapist, paying a lot of money, and it being an excruciatingly difficult process, your healing - then what? God I am cross at you. I'm cross that my dad did that to me. My mum did that to me. That I am like I am, and that you haven't done something about it. I followed you. I tried so hard. In my mistaken pain filled emotions blah blah I still wanted to follow you. Lord I believe in you. Lord I put my hope in you. I dared to believe you. I cried out to you. Lord I tried so hard. So damn hard. And what? Rejected by the church. Spurned by the leaders. Fuck church. Crappy crap crap. Whjy? sg jasg jgj gjgjgjg jgjgjgjgj

God it does not make sense to me. Lord I've given you my life. Why didn't you take it? Why didn't you mould it? Here's the song singing "nothing is impossible to you", "you are my healer".. and yet. Here I am strangled by the abuse of the past. The hurt. The pain. I am paralysed by the rejection. Fuck. God why? WhY? WHY?

My thinking must be wrong. I must be wrong. Again. I must have got it wrong yet again. Wrong Mark. 0/10. Fail.

Crap. That's not the summary I want on my life. He tried, bless him, but ultimately he was undone because he failed. His parents failed him in so many ways. He wasn't able to rid himself from the pain of it. He tried. Oh he tried. But he got it wrong you see. Thought he was trusting God but all along he was deluded. He wasn't really trusting God. He was really trying to cling to some childish fantasy in order to make him feel better, to somehow divorce himself from his own childhood pain. CRAP. I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT. I DO NOT WANT TO BELIEVE THAT.

God - I come to you afresh. Warts and all. In my humanity, with my rejection and insecurities.

And yet..

'The same power that conquered the grave lives in me' - right now I find that crap..

For surely if you lived in me with that power, you would completely revolutionise me? Heal me? Save me from the inside.

God I don't like being me when I am stuck in my fear fueled childhood. I don't want it.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Yes I know I have worked on loads of areas in therapy. And I've changed lots. Now I am taking a break. But I feel as if there is still so much to do. My therapist would challenge that (as he challenges everything). It always feels this way, the moment I run into what feels like a wall. WHAM. It fills my vision. Despair clings to my soul.

I guess, bottom line, this is not what I expected. Not what I thought I had faith for. My faith was for a 5,000 strong church. Healings. Deliverance. Salvation. Miracles. Power of God, evident. Unbelievers falling on their knees. And I would be in the thick of it. Me with my family. Sold out for God. Willing to do all and be all.

And here I am. Listening to a worship CD, on my own, crying, heart full of.. emotion, wranglings, disappointment, pain, fear, failure, humanity.. Not going to church. My oldest daughter assenting to God, but wanting to do what her friends do. My youngest wanting to follow God but unsure how to. My wife feeling the same as me - the last place we want to go to is the church. Why? Because of the people. We want real relationships. We want to worship. Fall on our faces before the living God. See God's power, changing, saving, healing, delivering, dealing, sorting, gracious, merciful. Powerful life changing teaching, bone cut from marrow, thoughts and intents of the heart. Rhema. The weight of God's presence.

God, how can I want you so much, and yet not want you at all? Disappointment drives the latter, love the former.

Lord, I don't know how, but please help us. Bring your truth, not ours. Guide and lead us. Guide and lead my girls. My wife. Me. Lord brings us to a drinking place, where we can enjoy your spirit and real relationships. Is this just heaven I talk about - or is it possible here? Lord I think of Karin and Scott. Dave and Donna. And so many others. Have we all got it so wrong. Are we all just products of our childhood? Wanting to, and yet not able to? Crap to that. Absolutely crap. I'm not willing to settle for that. God - if you are God. Come and visit us again. Come and heal us. Allow us to see you. In the here and now.

Oh God how? This is not what I expected.

The vicious cycle of rejection

My wife has been struggling with her own stuff the last week or so. And as a result she wants to be able to express some of what she feels - which includes a lot of pain ref her mother. I have no problem with that. BUT.

The problem is that when she isn't giving me assurance on a regular basis that all is ok between us I really start to struggle. I fear that she is rejecting me, and immediately I feel rudderless. It's as if my frame of reference is removed, and I don't know what to do. It's like I am lost.

Do I be with her because she is struggling, or do I leave her alone? I can't do what I want to do, because doing so may be callous. So I kind of hover, even if not in the room. I am not free to do as I would want, communicating to her that I am available if she wants me. No. I am guilt ridden. What's the best thing to do? She's telling me she's ok and that I can do x, but maybe she's just saying that. Maybe she's annoyed with me, and that's why she is saying that.

I can't win. Neither can my wife. Meanwhile, she picks up that I am guilt ridden, and needing reassurance from her, but all she wants to do is express some anger from her past. So a vicious cycle starts. And that makes me more uncertain etc.

SO WHY DO I DO THIS?

Because I'm scared of being rejected. Who is scared of being rejected? The adult me, or the child me? The child me. The adult me knows that my wife is working through stuff. The child me sees the body language change and panics. Doesn't know what to do. I about to be rejected in some way. Do something. Show you are available, otherwise you will be assuaged with guilt.

I'm like a rabbit in headlights, unable to move. Which way to go?

My wife's defences

Also - I am much happier if my wife is happy. Happy with me. Happy with life. As it is, if she is struggling, especially with things I've done then I am not happy at all. It's like I take the blame for it. It's my fault.

I'm much stronger than I used to be. I now recognise that, actually, it may not be me. Yes, I contributed, but the root cause of her anger, irritation, feeling upset is not me. It's her mum. It's still the pain from her mum. It's just that I press her buttons.

She asked me yesterday morning whether I found our relationship nourishing. She's asked me this before - or rather her therapist asked her the same question. When was the last time you felt nourishment from your relationship with Mark. She couldn't answer. She shut down..

We've talked a lot about this, and it lead onto a conversation about how she relates to the girls (she's used them as a defence against the pain inflicted on her by her mum). Every time I would go to discipline the girls she would react, defend the girls and be ultra reasonable. She would tell me that I was reacting like my father, and that was unacceptable. As a result, we've had issues with our youngest, who feels she owns the house. For the last week and a bit this has changed, once my wife realised that she was stepping in because when I used a certain tone or manner it pressed her button. Her realising this has meant a huge change, for now she feels she can leave me to it without her needing to get involved. And it's meant a HUGE change. I can now discipline my youngest without fearing that my wife will override me. and that's given me confidence.

If it was like that as it relates to disciplining the girls - what else does it relate to? Could it be that my wife is unable to really allow the soft intimacy she craves from me because when I show it she is incapable of receiving it? She instead reads it as if her mum is trying to do something nice - and she distrusts that deeply, for her mum would always have an ulterior motive. Her mum never did anything nice for her. So if I do - it presses a button.

So, the question of when she last felt nourished by our relationship is met with something deep within her she has yet to express. It comes out as irritation, anger, despondency, fear with me. How can I be me with that? If I am on the laptop in the morning, she feels rejected. In short, she feels that I am her mum. What complicates is is that at times I feel I need my space, or indeed have felt that she is my mum, wanting to entrap me.. so it's not easy stuff.

When she asked me the question ref nourishment yesterday, at first I feared it. For I believed she was asking from a place of "this isn't working". I have felt like that much of our marriage. That she continually is pointing out what is wrong, what is not working, what needs to change, that I have got it wrong, that I am mistreating her, that I am not intimate, won't show my feelings, am robotic and controlled. The thing is she is right. But now I believe she is right only in part. What she is not seeing is her contribution. If she reacts to me in a certain way, I will react to her in like spirit, unless I recognise what is going on.

But as I thought about the question, I realised that actually, there were a lot of things I found nourishing. Going out for walks, our intimacy together, the fact that we weer best friends, we could talk about anything together, we both wanted to move forward, we did want to support each other, we wanted to be there for each other. We like each other. Sex is, on the whole, wonderful, if not that frequent. She admitted that the actual physical sex is 8/10, consistently. I pointed that that there were women who would die for that kind of score. But she said emotionally, it was 3/10. Et voila - I feel that she places the blame on my shoulders for that. But as I though about it, I feel differently. Could it be, I said, that something else is going on? Much in the same way as my disciplining the girls?

Could it be that if I get close, you react because it presses the mum button? Could it be that I am reminding you of your mum? She countered that I was placing it all on her. My reply was that for the last twenty years she has placed the blame on me. It was my fault. And I felt it in my insides. Felt it cut my insides to mush. My fault. I got it wrong. I would listen to her, as she poured out her frustration and pain. And it was all my fault.

Well, a by product of therapy is that I feel, hang on, I'm not a bad lad (as my wife would say). I am sensitive, generous, affectionate, good in bed, caring, strong, providing, etc. etc. I have many excellent qualities. Sure I am not there, am not the finished article. There's more to develop and improve. BUT, the core thing is that actually I am ok. I am not a failure. I haven't failed my wife. Yes I've worked too many hours. Yes that didn't help. Yes I had a number of weird expectations from my childhood, and acted weirdly in certain situations. But, on the whole, I have been a father and husband, and I'm a better one now.

So. Nourishment. Caring. Empathy. Sympathy. Intimacy. Sure they are areas I need to continue to work on, but I'm not a spastic in this areas. So, maybe, just maybe, my wife may need to take some of the responsibility. Our relationship IS nourishing, yet she can't see it. Why not? I felt good when I explained how I felt. She felt emotional.

We went out last night, but before she did she wanted to get dressed up. She told me that she gets irritated when I tell her (once she's looking fab) that she looks sexy, in her black stockings, boots, dress. And boy she does look good too. Now why would she get irritated? When I asked her she said it's because she knows that she looks good for her age, and that blokes check her out, but that I wasn't interested in her ten years ago.. There's a perfect example. Another body blow to me. My fault that she feels the way she does. And of course, in part she's right. My girls were 5 and 2, and at the time she didn't look like this. She looked washed out, wore boring clothes, took on the responsibility of the girls herself, departed into a heavily defended position. What was I supposed to do? I was as lost as she was.

But still - the irritation is there. I think it's because I'm close. I'm inside many of her defences, and it scares her. She runs to her stronger defences, even more desperate as I get closer. As I get closer, she becomes more aware of the pain, and tries to push me away. She's always been great at constructing verbal (intellectual) defences. And they are very, very hard to come against, to dismantle.

last week, when she was telling me that when I say something nice to her she's hearing negativity, that I am telling her off or something (basically hearing her mum when I am being nice) I felt so much for her that tears welled up into my eyes. She saw it, it confused her immensely, and immediately she felt emotional and started to cry. It was as if by me being emotional with her (tears) she realised that her feelings about what I was saying couldn't possibly be true, and it broke through the defence.

Now what if she is feeling like that full time? I am nice, she sees spite. I try to encourage, she sees ulterior motives. I am me, she sees her mum.

And, I believe, that's what I have been living with for twenty years. She can't believe that someone would be nice to her without having ulterior motives. Without actually wanting to take away from her, be spiteful, vengeful, uncaring..

And it's been very, very tiring.

High expectations

So. I'm now feeling a little grumpy. Why? Maybe lots of reasons. One of them being that I had high expectations from therapy. I expected one of the by products to be that I would feel physically great once I'd worked through all my crap. Right now I don't. Yes, I feel oh so much better than I did. I can eat almost anything, bar dairy.

But I still don't feel up to going to the gym. Or going for a run. I don't think I could hack a three day job, much less full time. And that's depressing. Gets me down. I feel down about it. I want to be able to be fit again. Feel good again. Not worry about my insides, my energy levels, where I will need a number two..

It is depressing. A real downer, for it goes on and on. It could be that I am only half way through. I have more to process, work through and ponder on. It could be that I am only a week and a half from the end of my last therapy session. Will I feel stronger and stronger as time goes on?

Also - I am much happier if my wife is happy. Happy with me. Happy with life. As it is, if she is struggling, especially with things I've done then I am not happy at all. It's like I take the blame for it. It's my fault.

Who is me?

Am I allowed to be me? Am I allowed to be like everyone else? Am I allowed to like fast cars? Ponds? Am I allowed to want to earn money, have status, be well regarded? Am I allowed to be loud, gregarious, verbal, driven, testosterone filled male? Am I allowed?

Am I allowed to like stereos, money, going out, leading, being out front, working?

Why wouldn't I?

Because it's money driven? Wrong motivation? Wrong? Not right? Why is it not right? Is it not right to like nice things because they are expensive? Or is it only if it's greed that it's wrong? Is it because they don't extend God's kingdom? They are personally orientated. For me. Because I like them?

King David. King Solomon. They had riches beyond compare! It was not all given to the temple, or God. They had the best of the best. They sought God, but were utterly human in their quest. They were not some super spiritual geek. They were human. I am human. They liked good things. I like good things. They liked women - I would if I were them. I like my wife ;o

They liked gold, wine, music, parties. they didn't mind spending time on themselves. So why do I? Why do I feel guilty? Is it that it doesn't toe the line? Is not kingdom related? I have to spend all my time and energy, money and everything else - including selling my children into slavery because what? I server the god Molech? Don't be silly. I serve a loving saviour, someone who created me to be me. In his image. Creative, thrusting, alive with desires, a personality, drive, ambition. No, not naked ambition that will carry out evil to get what I want. Not at all. But where the Lord blesses me because I have sought to follow him - then am I not allowed to enjoy the fruit of my labour?

Fruit of my labour - that is a biblical verse. Lamentations talks about the futility of man, and how because life is short to enjoy the wife of your youth, and the fruit of your labour.

So, a nice fast car which is not the most fuel economical? Does it stretch that far? What about the starving millions in Africa? The poor you will have with you always. Live in an attitude that what you have is not yours, but enjoy what is you have.

God walked in the cool of the day - his creation to enjoy. He'd created it, worked for it, and enjoyed it. It wasn't all work and no play. I am allowed to play. To enjoy my life, including my possessions. The fruit of my labour. God loves me, and I am allowed to be free to enjoy his love.

Walks through outstanding nature. Fishing on a blue sky day. Arm in arm with my wife. Driving over roads, feeling the speed and comfort whilst eating the miles. Listening to good music which feeds my soul. Being with mates. Enjoying my girls. Having sex with my wife. Watching a great film. Drinking aged wine. eating outstanding curries. Taking photos and writing stories. Helping others. Leading others. Creating wealth. Releasing wealth. Supporting others. Dreaming. Living. Loving.

Uncomplicated. Dreaming, loving, living.

Is there a law against that?

Is driving a nice car dreaming, loving, living? Or is it cheating? Lying? Stealing? Greedy? Ungodly?

I WANT TO DRIVE A NICE CAR _ SO WHY FEEL GUILTY?

I want to earn money because I can. Absolutely I want to do it in a balanced way - not as before. Not out of a need to gain significance or affirmation - not because I'm driven, but because I want to within the context of a balanced life where my sound desk of life is balanced.

Run a business. Create a business. Create wealth. Create opportunity. Release life. Release love. Release dreams.

I am allowed to. My old templates are just that. Old templates. Based on a misguided desire to please God. They serve a man made god with man made rules. And if they are godly, God himself can convict me. Is he big enough for that? You betcha! Would I hear him? I don't know. For I am human.

I AM HUMAN.

NOT SUPER HUMAN. NOT AN ANGEL. NOT A SPIRITUAL ROBOT.

I want to dream. Love. Live.

DO YOU HEAR?

I WANT TO DREAM. LOVE. LIVE.

I could not do those as a child other than in the context of God. I fought hard to gain the trappings of dreaming, loving, living - yet they were based on pain. Now - hopefully having dealt with those things - I can dream, love and live because I want to. Because I am free to.

What does that look like? It means I am not carrying guilt for starters. There is nothing good about guilt. THERE IS NOTING GOOD ABOUT GUILT. Guilt does not come from God. Guilt comes from religion. Guilt comes from man made rules. Guilt comes from human. Flesh - demons.

There is no room for guilt in dreaming, loving, living. Guilt is destructive. Guilt is inhibiting. Guilt creates a prison, and robs dreams, love and life. I don't want to do guilt anymore.

So I have free choice. Freedom. Freedom to make my own decisions. To hold back, or to move forward. There is no right or wrong with either choice. Colours of the rainbow - none of them wrong. All of them beautiful.

Brilliant.

Giving of me & mum's seduction

Yesterday was a really nice day - nay good day. In the morning I suggested we go for a walk in the sunshine, and we walked around 4.4 miles. The scenery was great, and we had an enjoyable time together. We talked the whole way (my and my wife that is!).

And there's good news. The landscape is changing. I'm changing. My wife is changing. So what we do and how we interact is changing. Old templates are dying, new ones have to be built. And that's exciting.

But there's one area which I still need to work at, or sort through, and that is as follows - but is primarily around the giving of me.

When I was working at BT, and bored out of my pants, my wife was very supportive. She listened to my endless hours of ranting and encouraged me to move on - even if it meant risk. And she has done that throughout our marriage. Listened to me -showing she cares - and encouraging me - even if it meant we may not earn any money.

Her point yesterday is that I come from a very guarded place when we discuss, for example, her project. It's as if I connect on an intellectual level, but fear giving of myself.

I can see it with my sisters. They will do the thing our family does, which is offer advice and guidance (often from an arrogant place, I'm better than you place). But it doesn't get into the situation with the other person, why? Because I think there may be a cost, and our family does not do that. We don't give of ourselves, of our emotions. We can give of our time, money, energy even - but anything which may take something from us as a person, our insides, we protect at all costs.

Why?

What does this remind me of from my childhood? What's the feeling?

The feeling is that I will be sucked in, and that I won't have any choice. I'll be tied in. It's as if an alarm goes off, I go into red alert status. My insides scream -they'll suck you dry, protect yourself at all costs!

Why?

Because that's what my parents did? I couldn't give emotionally to my mum because she wouls suck me dry. Her own pain meant that she had a permanently operating radar to suck any sense of well being towards her. It's as if she was an arid desert - and others were clouds that may provide her temporarily relief. For me - that would mean she would suck all the moisture out of me she could, leaving me a dried mummy.

I think it's where I get the sense of incest from. My mum sucking life out of me, out of any of us. Giving presents became a tortuous affair. The sickly gratitude, the show, the performance, the guilt. Not pleasant at all. But it wasn't just present giving. It was meal times, doing jobs for her, running errands. It always because a sign of "our love" for her. A token of our affection.

'Just make me a cup of coffee darling? You do it so well'. I would almost sink under the thick layer of slime.

'Just do the washing up, you know I would but I'm so tired'

'Just do the vacuuming would you, because you love me'

PUKE. She never could ask in a straight way. It was always laden with guilt, with an icing layer of sickliness. Because you love me. Because you are the best at it. Because you make the best coffee. Because you are considerate, the oldest, the most caring. And even if she didn't say it with her mouth, she expressed it with her eyes and body language. And that was the incest bit.

It was as if she was using seductive mechanisms to get her small boy to do what she wanted.

How wrong is that?

And of course, I recognised what my mum was doing, and would remove myself as far from it as possible. I learnt how to do whatever it was she wanted whilst protecting myself from her yuckiness. If that's possible. It applied to every area. In church, in the family, in the home, on holiday... anything and everything. It was as if she knew that she possessed this key would could unlock any situation, get her what she wanted, defuse anger (even if justified).

I guess that's another thing - she would not let me exhibit emotion - for in so doing it would threaten to engulf her. She had enough trouble with dad and some of my sisters without me doing it too. So she would use this weapon she had on me at all times, to control me to ensure I never stepped out of line, never got exasperated, never got angry, fed up.. never showed any emotion other than undying love for his mum.

I'd not seen this bit before - that mum would use her control to control my emotions. She only ever wanted positive, working in tandem, working together, strength type feelings from me. Like I was her saviour. I was the one who would help her keep everyone else sane. I would help keep her sane. I was somehow special - and I have touched on this before - in that I was her ally. Though she would have used anything and anyone to achieve that - it's just that I was readily available.

Used. She used me. She used me to her own ends. Not for me, not to bolster me, not to build me up, but to build herself up. To protect her interests. Her coffee. Her shopping. Her emotions. Her needing to know she was loved.

Used. Incest. Used. Abused.

To use someone is to abuse someone. My mum abused me.

If dad was at home I was not safe. Mum was (almost always) at home, so I was never safe. Dad's abuse (domination), mum's abuse (control). What a shitty yucky crappy way of living.

So I feared being used by my mum at any time. They way she abused me was to use my own emotions (guilt?) to get what she wanted. She would deploy sophisticated tools to get me to do what she wanted, without it appearing that way. Is that not seduction? Is that not why I feel there is a sense of incest?

Horrible.

So I couldn't trust my own mum to have my own best interests at heart. Neither could I trust my dad. Who could I trust? Who was there that I could trust who would look after the real me? Who would see me for who I was? Who would want the best for the real me? Who would listen to the real me, accept the real me, think that the real me was significant besides what I did.

No one. Bar God. And He didn't have physical arms to hold me tight, and sit opposite me and see me, and go fishing with me, and all sorts of other wonderful things.

No wonder my values (see previous post) include the fact that people see me for who I really am, regardless of what mistakes I make.


So - question - do I fear that others will do the same?

Of course I must. But first I need to allow myself to feel the crap that I feel - recognise that it is there, not suppress it. Then I can start to work on what is the wrong template and who is my real wife..

My values

Values and rules
15 most important values to me in life

1. Truthful
2. Significance
3. Love
4. Freedom
5. Growth
6. Able to can do
7. Family
8. Safety
9. Ability – to work, to earn money, to provide, to care
10. Loyalty
11. Godliness, (true, loyal, loving)
12. Giving
13. Honesty
14. Security
15. Health – physical, emotional, spiritual wholeness

Ten most important values - what has to happen in order for me to feel;

1. Accepted – people accept me for who I really am. They do not judge, put me down, dominate or marginalise me. They accept me warts and all and are willing, nay wanting to invest in me, spend time with me, listen to me. They will accept me even if I get it wrong. I would feel that no matter what I did they accepted me.


My comment: This is interesting as for the first time I can see both what I want, and what others would want. I.e. my wife. She wants to be heard no matter whether she gets it right or not. Same for me. I hadn't realised this until I'd written this list.

2. Significant – people treat me as if I really matter. They will prioritise time to be with me, be willing to count the cost if it hurts. Even if I do something wrong they will still treat me as if I matter. That I matter despite what I do, or don’t do.
3. Listened to – people listen to the real me. Focused attention, really listening, taking the time out to listen, hearing what I say and remember. Even if I get it wrong.

My comment: even if I get it wrong! So I am allowed to get it wrong, and those who love me will still listen to me, still appreciate me, still accept me. This is not what I expect. What I expect is that if I get it wrong, those who love me will reject me.

4. Respected – people respect not so much what I do (though that’s always nice) but rather who I am. As a husband, as a father, as a friend, as a loyal hard working caring courageous person. Even if I get it wrong, they will still respect me.

My comment - again the key thing for me here is 'even if I am wrong'.

5. Freedom - I am not unduly constrained by others, and have freedom to pursue my desires and goals. I am set free to pursue my goals, not blinkered or limited by other’s limited experience or thinking. I have to be able to think outside of the box. I hate small minded thinking, rules for the sake of rules, people who are unable to get the big picture. To be honest I hate most constraints forced on me by others.


My comment - I understand after 16 months of therapy that is in direct response to my father who tried to dominate (who did!) me, control me and stop me from acting in ways I wanted to. I responded by beating anyone who tried to do the same.

6. Family – spending time as a family together for; fun, being serious, discussing weighty issues, correction, watching films, joy, bringing others into the family at opportune times such as friends, wider family etc.

My comment: Do I actually do this or is it something I FEEL I should do - I.e. a sense of duty. Is it therefore really genuine what I do or driven by duty and guilt. Is it an extension of who I am, my priorities or just something I feel I should so as it's the right thing to do. There are aspects of this which I do naturally - but I think it's the sense of duty which is so cancerous.

7. Security – I am able to provide for my family. This includes not only earning enough money to care for both important and day to day things such as a house, car, food etc, but also safety (my family feels safe, so I live in a safe area, ensure safety of their persons etc.) and wholeness (emotional, physical, spiritual).

My comment: i think this is bigger than I realise. I really want my family to have the choice to pick from the best. I have a big house in an affluent area, enough money and the girls have pretty much what they want/need. After seven months on a sabbatical and knowing that I want to sell the company my mind is starting to think about how I can make some serious money in the future.

8. Integrity – means there is no falseness in any of my dealings. From within me, my family, friends and colleagues there exists a mutual trust based on integrity in all things.

My comment: I'm pretty sure this is a base belief, core to my being. Albeit at times, maybe a sense of duty too. Starting the business has made me think through aspects of integrity from time to time, but on the whole (in the main, completely) I'm happy with where I stand on this issue.

9. Healthy – I am physically fit (health, food, running, gym), emotionally whole (therapy, free from past issues), spiritually alive (relationship with God) and in good relationships (wife, family, friends)

My comment: I am still working through much of this. My exhaustion pre-therapy and further crapness during therapy has meant that although my bowels are much more comfortable I am still tired. I hope that I can start to pick up fitness again shortly. Spiritually I am still separating my parents from God and church - and am smack in the middle of working this through. I have NO desire to go to church right now - for to me it is full of reminders of past injustices and hypocrisy.

10. Generosity, I am willing to give to others (time, care, support, finance), and would expect the same in return

My comment - do I actually do this?

Top five moving-away-from values; What are the feelings I would do almost anything to avoid feeling? And what are the associated rules?

1. Entrapment – that someone would cause me to feel trapped, through coercion, manipulation, limiting my choices, applying what I would consider the wrong rules, taking away my choice or freedom. If I allow someone to remove any of my choices or freedom I will feel trapped so work hard to ensure this does not happen.

My comment: Interesting -for this dominates my thinking in regards to almost everything I do. I must be free to be able to make my own choices - even if they are themselves predetermined. I will be my own boss, don't want to submit or be accountable to anyone else (certainly not if I don't believe they have my best interests at heart). As such church is right off the agenda - for to go to church is a) to submit to someone else preaching even if it's pants, b) attend home groups even if they are pants, c) fit into to the life and soul of the church - even if there is no one I would get on with. It's just not happening at the moment.


2. Humiliation – being made to feel small, public humiliation, a dominant person in a crowd pointing out my failings in an ungracious attacking and nasty manner. Ensure I am never in a position to be humiliated – so will avoid types who my humiliate me by their greater knowledge or I will ensure that I am never humiliated by ensuring that I dominate or at least equal or ostracize any dominating person who may seek to humiliate me.
3. Dominated – anyone who tries to dominate me in any setting such that my choices become limited. See entrapment and humiliation above.
4. Rejection – Anyone who matters to me (family, friends, colleague) – anyone who I want to like me, rejecting me. Ensure that those who matter don’t reject me by a) trying very hard and b) trying very hard – I will do anything to try and win them over. I real body language like a radar to check that no is rejecting me, and if I sense they are will either remove me from them, them for me, be extra (overly) nice towards them, or boot them out (if in a company)
5. That I got it wrong - I will try hard, then harder still if I get it wrong to ensure I don’t. If I do, and it’s an area that matters to me then I take it very personally.

My comment - this is something which I think I am working through at the moment. And it's liberating.

Sex and masturbation

Last night I was talking to my wife about sex. She wanted it, and I was nervous. Oh I wanted sex with her as I think she's a babe. But I was also acutely aware of the fact that so often she had wanted sex with me because a) she is feeling horny, and b) I'm the only permissible male she can have sex with. So often it was more out of horny desperation to have sex rather than because she liked me for me.

So that sparked off a whole conversation last night - and I revisited my teenage years. And I remembered that had been guilt ridden about the subject of masturbation from approx 12 when I first started through to late twenties - and even now there are still vestiges of guilt.

Masturbation was something that was in control of me. I would masturbate at least once a day, sometimes three or more times. I would do it in the toilets at school, sometimes in the classroom under the desk whilst we were all listening to Mrs XXXX (she was fit). At home, in bed.. anywhere.

I was sex crazed.

And I was frightened stiff that when I was at church someone would find out. God would speak to them and point the finger at me and say "You, you sex crazed person with no control and lots of lust." Terrified. It filled my every thought, dominated my prayer life. God release me from this thing I would cry. I fasted. I wailed. I fought. I exercised will power. Yet I masturbated.

And of course I didn't masturbate with a picture of a blank wall in my mind. No. there were luscious ladies seducing me with their long legs, gorgeous breasts.. To begin with I fantasied about girls (remember I was 12/13) appearing in my bedroom. Then it moved onto seduction by any female anywhere.

It dominated my thinking and filled me with guilt.

And it lasted a long time.

What did that do to me?

And why was I so guilt ridden? Because of church. Because of my parents. They must have communicated something to us as kids, and me in particular. It was a hidden secret. Something to be ashamed of. I could not be normal with normal blokes, have normal conversations, have a drink, go out with normal girls, listen to normal music, or, as it turns out, masturbate.

Another example of control and domination. It was never a subject that was raised, but how my parents judged others I guess told me loud and clear. There were just some things you should never think or do. And I was. Lots.

Crap and bollocks. Why were my parents so inadequate so that I ended up SO guilt ridden. I remember at uni I was in fear of one guy who would often prophecy and have words of knowledge. Terrified he would look at me and see me for who I really was. A sex crazed lustful young man.

But of course THIS IS NORMAL! I'm a bloke. A man. I like women. I think they are beautiful. I love sex. I love their bodies. Their tits. Their legs. Their breasts, their necks, their smiles, their eyes, their hair, their softness... I love everything about a feminine woman.

AND THAT IS HOW GOD MADE ME!

Post therapy - week one

So. I told him. I wanted a break. On top of all the others things I told him.

And I find myself "not in therapy" - which is nice.

It's a strange time. I'm reading a lot at the moment about mentoring and coaching. And much that the subject covers is to do with understanding tools and techniques which enable you to live the life you want.

How to better make decisions, how to understand what you really want, what is important to you - basically giving context to the myriad of decisions we make on a day by day basis. So far I am finding it very useful - realising that in many cases I just have no basis for making a decision - or don't even realise that my standard behaviour is because I have not been trained (tools/techniques) to do anything different.

It's as if what I am looking at is allowing me to realise that there IS A DIFFERENT WAY. A different way to think, to feel, to make decisions.

So that will be interesting to see how that develops.

My therapist - do I continue?

Over the last week I've thought long and hard about my therapist - and whether I should continue with him.

I've thought through the following;

• How difficult it has been - being in the same room with him, his style, his personality etc. It's as if I've been in a room with someone I don't really like, a "small" person, a jobsworth, not warm.. I told him that out of ten people I could meet in a pub he'd be the least likely person I'd speak to.
• What has he done to make it easier for me? The first session where I felt raped was because of his style. He was in control, and he kept it. From my perspective he wasn't willing to be flexible to reach out to me in my distress
• I don't feel that he is "carrying me" - in the sense of really being there for me.
  
• I would like him to explain context, rather than staying in a position of power. I hate it when he asks for no apparent reason "Is your mouth dry?". If he explained why he was asking, what the point was, I'd be ok.
  
• It's a professional relationship which I pay him for. It's a strict 50 minutes.

So - what would I look for? What is that I want?

• Someone who I feel is completely on my side, and explains to me the process as we go through it.

Maybe that's me wanting to be in control. But is that so wrong? If I am aware of that and actively working on that, what's wrong with it? Do I have to make it as difficult as possible for me because that's a true martyr's cause? Willing to take the hardest most difficult road because that will be good for me? Or is it better for me if I make it easier for myself, whilst still working through the stuff.

For me to carry on is like choosing to submit to the abuser in order to do the right thing. Why is it wrong to say, no, I'm not going to do that anymore? I'd rather have someone who doesn't remind me of my abuser. If I go to God - does he feel like my abuser when I spend time in his presence? I guess the honest answer to that is I'm not sure. I don't think I do when I really find myself in his presence, I find myself crying at his love. That's certainly not how I feel with my therapist.

His style and personality strikes me as somewhat cold and odd. Distanced, removed - yet he is a person who cares. I can see that. Yet at the same time it's excruciatingly difficult (easier as time has gone on but still difficult) to see him, talk with him.

So what's right? What's wrong? My mate last night really challenged me on this issue. He's had experience with a therapist with a similar style "Mark", he said, "what's really going on here? You are performing a character assassination. Is it your dad? Transference? Projections? Are you wanting him to be your friend?"

And it got me thinking again.

My wife from her experience says "does he believe in you, is he on your side, does he explain?" - and the answer to that is in the main, no. She strongly believes I should stop seeing him and find a therapist I can get on with.

I told my therapist all of this yesterday, and today called him to say I wanted a break. Yesterday he was angry and "pissed off". He felt I was calling him cold and calculating. He told me he felt he had put 14 months of hard work into the relationship and he thought it was progressing well. I said that what I was explaining was how I felt, within the context of my therapy...

Watch this space.

A worthless shit

I can't do it. I TRY SO HARD. But I still can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it.

By the age of ten I thought I was a dick head. By thirteen a rotten shit. There's no way I would have admitted that. In fact I fought very hard not to believe that. My dad treated me like shit, but at the same time offered me salvation in the form of church.

At church I was someone. A special one. A chosen one. Treated preferentially. By my parents as well as others in the church - especially once my dad became a pastor at the age of 14.

But I have worked so hard to prove them wrong. That I am valuable, likeable, confident, worth knowing. On my own account.

And then I sit with my wife, and she tells me that she is unable to relate to me. That we have nothing in common. That I am unable to relate to her. I am paralysed. Utterly. Yesterday was a bad day, as I felt the strongest feelings again, as if she was wanting to trap me. And today she's telling me she can't continue as it is. She can't put herself through it. That she is the one who initiates everything, hobbies, interests, excitement. That actually I'm a boring sod.

And my insides are paralysed. I feel that I am staring into an abyss. HELP. I'm just a worthless shit. I treat my wife like shit. I find it impossible to relate at a real sustained deep level. I'm fine at work, because I've learnt to use my hard fought for defences. BUT. With my wife. CRAP.

I can't do it. I can't be the person she wants me to be. I don't know how to behave. I can't relate to her. I can't. I just can't. When she wants some emotional relationship with me I recoil in horror. As if she's the bitch from hell. As if she is my mum, dad and sisters all in one. BUT SHE'S NOT. She's lovely. Sensitive. Bright. Humourful. Caring. Loving. I would be lost without her.

SO CRAP. I love her so much. And yet I am paralysed. Unable to respond to her love. In fact worse, recoil from her as if she has rabies. Ebola. WHY? Because my parents were so crap. Because I have not been taught/learnt how to relate at a real and deep level. CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP.

Paralysis. Like being sucked into a dark vacuum. Not somewhere I want to go. WHY?

Is it because deep down I know myself to be a worthless shit? A turd floating on the surface of the seas. Nowhere. No meaning. Nothing. Just crap.. Fucking hell. What did I believe from my parents? What did they teach me about me? That I was just some oink? Someone to boss. Someone to tell what to do. Someone who needed to fulfil their own weak crapness? Their own pains? Feelings of failure? I was the answer to their need, so I felt their need. And wasn't allowed to develop my own. Wasn't allowed to think what I wanted to. Instead learnt that to go towards emotions was an incredible painful thing to do - a stupid thing to do - for the pain was too great.

CRAP CRAP CRAP. Thanks a lot mum and dad. For teaching me crap. Feeding me on crap. Making me believe that our crap was better than what anyone else had. Judging everyone else who had pureity, honesty, caring empathy - that they were crap, and really our crap was gold. To be treasured.

FUCK OFF.

BLOODY HELL.

WHAT AN ABSOLUTE LOAD OF BOLLOCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You don't have a clue. Never did. Still don't. And yet you still peddle the crap. I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE.

Why. Why can't I relate to the wife I love. Why have I judged her so? Why have I hurt her so? Why do I recoil from her? Why do I treat her like shit? I don't want to. I try so hard. I always have. I don't want to be like this. I didn't want to be like this. Not at school. Not at home. And yet here I am. twenty two years after I left home, and my wife tells me I am like living with a shit.

I AM NOT A WORTHLESS SHIT. I just am not. No matter what people have told me, acted towards me. I am real. I am alive. I have feelings. I am human. I have qualities. I am faithful. Caring. Passionate. Loving. Giving. I try. I want more. I want. I desire. I care.

I may not know HOW to care. How to relate at a deep emotional level. How to put others first. It does not mean I don't want to do those things. I really really do. I really want to. It's what I want. I don't want to be stuck in the past. I'm willing to see a cold therapist sifting through my darkest fears, feelings and pains. Willing to be raped in order to find life. Truth. Freedom.

GOD I WANT TO CHANGE.

I so want to be different. So want to be able to.

School - I was not a worthless shit. What you reflected back to me was not true. I was not worthless. I wasn't just a kid to pick on. Master... Nicknames. Bullying. Treating me worse than shit. FUCK OFF.

pio niow jgfag klg hkladfg hadf hadfg hg hg hg haerv er3rolrfghk][hjtib,-fk yu hgyumrit jéawg jvn iocguiwgfbbv kb h\gb

AND WHAT IS WITH THE DOMINATION AND CONTROL PARENTS?

Eh? Was I too big for you? Were you scared of me? Or is it just that your own pain was SoooOOOSOOOoo great you needed to treat us like shit to make you feel better? Make me feel like shit. Not allow me my own opinions. My own thoughts. My own development. To wear my own clothes. Listen to my own music. Read my own books. Go out with my own girlfriends. Drink my own pints. Think my own thoughts.

FUCK OFF. FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF.

I demand my own thinking, my own way of life. Not tainted by your own crappy pain. Not needing to live in your narcisstic world. BEING FREE TO BE ME. Warts and all. Mistakes and all. Whether wrong or right. I AM ALLOWED TO BE THAT, TO DO THAT.

I AM ALLOWED.

I AM ALLOWED.

I AM ALLOWED.

Parent yourself Mark. Allow yourself to be free. Yes work through the pain, but you are allowed to be free. You don't need to follow the crap pedagogy peddled by your parents.

IT WAS WRONG.

What they taught you was wrong, because it was based on their own pain, their own twisted view of the world. They were incapable of teaching you. And you enetered the world of life, of adulthood of marriage with this horribly tainted viewpoint of the world.

And if you could work it out intellectually you already would have - for you are a bright chappy.

So don't beat yourself up. Allow yourself to cry the tears, and be nice to yourself.

How far have I come?

OK - I just skim read some of my previous blogs. What do they tell me?

* I am working through my childhood - painful as it is
* A year ago I was talking about pain as an intellectual realisation. Now I'm feeling it
* There's been lots I have worked through - despite how I feel. It seems more real now.
* My parents were crap, and I'm living through the hell of it again
* It impacted me, and still impacts me, greatly.

Back in the mire

Groan. I felt so good for two or three days, and wham. Back in the mire. Don't get me wrong. The 2-3 days were wonderful. Reminding me of what I will feel like when I've worked through this crap. I had a nice birthday (fishing :).

So. What am I working through now?

My sisters for one. My parents for two. My wife for three.

Sisters. I actually sent an email describing some of where I am at to my next sister. Not sure she could handle what I wrote but I wanted to be honest. I told her that her "Mark shaped hole" was not something I could ever fill and was down to the poor parenting she'd had.

As I start to look at my sisters I realise how much anger and yuckiness there is to work through. It's as if they too personify my parents. And when I feel like this so does my wife.

It's horrible. The tops/backs of my eyes really ache, and have done for over the last month. I feel tired again, with no motivation to do anything.

The company is still losing money, and we will have to change our dividends for PAYE - meaning a greater loss for the company and paying ourselves a much smaller amount.

So, thanks are great. Today I can't face my wife. I feel that she wants me to do things with her all of the time - even if she doesn't. I feel that I have no real choice about what I do during each day. Which is naff - whether it's true or not. She doesn't want me to go on the laptop, or the xbox, for in so doing I am cutting her off and we may as well be separated.

She is good at getting me to feel guilt for her situation - even if this is my issue. If she is not feeling to good I will bend over backwards. If she needs her space I will give it to her. If I need some space then I may aswell go and stay in a hotel she says. For it's painful to her if I do not connect with her, want to spend time with her.

This is all so mixed up with my parents - I know it - and yet it's here and now, with my wife that I feel it.

And yet my eyes ache. I feel like shit warmed up. Unmotivated.

I need to earn some money - but how can I when I feel like this?

Business mentoring or coaching is what I am looking into at the moment. The local business help organisation pays £125/half day, and provided I'm successful on my application I an expect to get 2-4 sessions a month. So that won't pay for anything.

So. Time marches merrily on. I work through crap. My wife does the same. My daughter is off school with bad period stuff - a lot. My youngest can be extraordinarily demanding. I need to earn some money, pay a £30k tax bill for a share sale we didn't get any money for. Yet I can't cos I feel crap. It's all crap.

Welcome to therapy.