Trapped

It is unbelievable how trapped I feel.. in the here and present - and yet it is a direct response to how trapped I was when I was a kid..

My dad, my mum and my sisters. My next oldest sister was like a shadow until I was around 11. She would follow me everywhere, and I guess I felt responsible for her pain even though there was nothing I could do about it. She was bullied so much at school. She was called "Medusa". She had to wear unfashionable "nursing" shoes. She was so unhappy. So desperately unhappy. And there was nothing I could do - was that another reason I pulled back from her? I couldn't deal with her pain. It wasn't my fault. I wasn't her parent. And yet no one else was doing anything.

So - she was my shadow. Then I had another three sisters who all looked to me in varying degrees. I was the oldest son - which conferred a certain status - but I was also the oldest, therefore responsible. I couldn't escape. I couldn't get out. I mean I did, I did get out. But at fifteen for example I had one friend I saw at church (he lived 45 minutes away by car). I was trying to make friends with another lad but he wasn't much of a friend himself. So really, the reality was I had no daily friends.

But there were always people at home.

The word that goes through my mind as I think about my wife at the moment is "cloying". The definition of cloying is "To cause distaste or disgust by supplying with too much of something originally pleasant, especially something rich or sweet; surfeit"

Yep. That's pretty much it. Something which should be nice, safe, pleasant becomes sickly. That is my mum and dad. My family. It's like they want to prove their love so much that they become cloying. Horrible. Sickly. Control, emotional blackmail, sickliness...

I hate it. HATE IT. And now I feel like that with my wife. And she is soft, gracious, sensitive. I find it so hard to separate the feelings I am contending with from my wife. She tells me she is soft and giving me lots of space. That she is not dominating. And I believe her, and yet I feel like this.

It is really really really difficult, hard. Like pins being stuck into my body, all over my body, whilst carrying a baby full of pins on my insides. I want to break free from it. Run a million miles to get away from it. Fight it with all I have.

I said to my wife yesterday that I wanted to run against a brick wall, throw myself at it. That's interesting she said, that you don't want to take it out on those who did this to you, but yourself.

It's so hard. So then to be with my wife is like being with my mum, dad and sisters all in one go. And that is difficulty personified. It makes me feel sick. Makes me want to run away.

My mind knows that I love her. Fancy her. Yet I shy away. Keep myself locked up and defended. It is so difficult to be with her, allow her to, for example, place her leg over mine. It's like I am forcing myself into incest.

She challenged me yesterday with.. it's right to feel the feelings, but it's the old template. Your adult mind needs to smash the old template, whilst allowing yourself to come to terms with what happened. Sounds so easy, but I tell you know, it feels impossible.

I mean what a horrible statement. Being with my wife feels like being with my mum, dad and sisters. All of them. All in bed with me. All wanting a cuddle from me. All wanting my time. My energy. My goodness. My strength. My attention. My care. They want me. All that I have to offer. All that I have and more. They won't stop. They just keep wanting, taking, demanding, controlling, making me feel guilty if I don't.

SSSSTTTTOOOOOPPPPPP!!!!!!

OOoowww says mum in that hurt voice. But I only wanted a cuddle. A horribly incestuous sickly cloying life draining wraith like cuddle.

I do not want to cuddle you. I do not want to give you attention. I do not want to make up for your hurt and your pain. I cannot do that, I will not do that. I find it repulsive, cloying, disgusting and it makes tremors run through my body. I hate it. Stop it. I don't want you to do it anymore. I will not let you do it anymore. And I don't want to put up with the guilt you make me feel either. I'm not going to put up with that. It is truly horrible, paralysing.

The only way I can stop this is not to see you - for if I see you you want to continue as if nothing happened. Enfold me back within your embrace. But I can't let you do that for to do that will place me back where I was. I refuse to do that, so I refuse to see you.

Just rereading what I just wrote it's unbelievable how I feel.
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