Entrapment

Sat last night with my wife I was struggling with feelings of entrapment. But why?

Firstly we had spent the day together. When we got home my wife wanted me to hug her on the sette (a cuddle) as she had a cold. That was when I first felt it. I wanted to get on and so something for me. But I cuddled her for five minutes or so then headed off to my laptop to do some writing.

I ordered a kebab for tea, then after tea I was wondering whether I would go on the xbox, maybe download the photos from my camera.. but my wife was wanting my presence. I felt trapped. I sat on the settee next to her and she placed her legs over mine. I was really battling and wanted to run. So much in fact that I felt adrenalin pumping down my legs to the soles of my feet. As I pondered this a feeling of utter revulsion came over me as I realised that it felt as if I was trapped by my mum.

YYYyyyyyyyyyyyeucchhhhhhhhhhhh! Incest Alert! I can't begin to explain how that feels. Revolting. Sick to the pit of my stomach. Poor me and my poor wife! I mean, what did either of us do to deserve that!

I had to get up, and sit in another chair whilst I tried to think it though. When I told her some 20 minutes later she shuddered too.

This morning lying in bed I thought some more about the whole sordid thing. Was it that I thought my wife was my mum (in a transferrence or projected way) - or was is the fear of entrapment? The same fear I feel when I think of my sisters.

IN FACT - GET OFF! I FEEL SICK TO THE VERY CENTRE OF MY BEING JUST THINKING ABOUT THIS. That horrible wraithlike sickly sticky entrapment which traps me in a web of disgusting sentimental guilt. SHUDDER!

MOTHER - get off me! NOW! GET AWAY! RRROOOOOOOARRRRRRRRRRRR. GET AWAY. GET OFF. GET YOUR SLIMINESS OFF ME NOW! STOP TRAPPING ME. STOP USING FEMINE CONTROL TO GET ME TO DO WHAT YOU WANT. IT STINKS. IT'S HORRIBLE. IT'S DEMONIC. IT'S FOUL. IT'S DISGUSTING. GET OFF ME NOW. GET AWAY FROM NOW. YOU ARE NOT PERMITTED TO COME NEAR ME UNLESS I SAY YOU CAN, AND RIGHT NOW I AM SAYING YOU CAN'T. GET AWAY FROM ME. GET OUT OF MY SIGHT. REMOVE YOURSELF FROM ME. IN JESUS NAME.

Picture a man on all fours. Wanting to puke, lost in a mist of confusion. That would be me.

It's the first time in my therapy process that I have wanted to call my therapist. Help! I feel like my wife is my mum. And it's the most foul horrible slimy putrid disgusting revolting thing I've ever considered.

What can I do now? Focussing on it as I am right now makes me want to vomit with all that is in me. And then some more.. Or I package it away and get on with my thing. But that leaves me operating woefuly short in my capacity as husband. And my wife pays the price. As she has and is doing.

Mum - why did you control me so much? Control. Dominate. Jezebel. Using that whily femine charm on your own son is incest. Getting that little boy to do things for you (nothing sexual I hasten to add!) by utilising that skill of yours was wrong. I did nothing wrong. It was not me. It was you. Your weakness. Your need for control. Your need to get us as kids to do the things you wanted. You could not handle any form of backchat or independance - as in so doing we would stir the wrath of dad. And you couldn't handle that either.

Do you did all in your power to stop the boat from rocking. You used your secret weapon. Dad's weapon was very much in the open. We all knew about that. But you were secretive, slimy, sentimental. Control. Manipulation. ojjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjhEUCH!

Let's get some things straight.

MY WIFE IS NOT MY MUM!

MY WIFE IS NOT TRYING TO ENTRAP ME!

ENJOYING MY WIFE IS IN NO WAY RELATED TO INCEST!

IT WAS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT TO WANT TO REBEL AGAINST MY MUM. IT WAS RIGHT FOR ME TO LEAVE FOR UNIVERSITY AND NOT COME BACK. IT IS RIGHT FOR ME TO NOT TO WANT TO SEND CARDS ON MOTHERS DAY. IT IS RIGHT FOR ME TO NOT WANT TO SUBJECT MYSELF TO HER CONTROL AND MANIPULATION. MUM - IT IS YOU WHO WAS IN THE WRONG. I WAS A BOY. I WANTED YOUR PROTECTION AND NURTURING. YOU USED ME.