Permission - or lack of it

Ok. So I've agreed with my therapist that I want to concentrate on the area of my dad. The fact that I have such a strong sense of right and wrong, with lots and lots of guilt. And no tools to manage or process or handle the guilt.

I'm also reading "The Shack" which is great.

So where am I now? Processing it all I guess. But I feel really tired again. And also I feel as if I am struggling with the whole permission and corresponding emotions. These emotions are like dread, sense of impending doom.. not at all pleasant. And they all stem from my father. And as I allow myself to lean towards these emotions, the sense increases as I believe that I am walking towards my dad in his angriest, most aggressive state. And believe me. That's not something or somewhere I'd like to go!

So I really don't know what to do with myself. It's easier to just busy myself with anything and everything. Such as taking photos, going fishing, playing on the xbox, doing this blog, reading the latest news/sports, watch a film.

Yet I feel, right now, crap.

Therapy would say I feel crap for a reason. It's a natural response to some event, perceived or real. And therapy is a safe place to explore how you feel, and allow yourself to process it rather than bottling it away in case it gets too much. That's great, but it still feels crap.

Guess I'm going to have to spend more time focusing on how I feel, and going with the flow.

:/