I'd rather do anything else. Be on the laptop, upload photos, take photos, go fishing, watch TV, busy myself. Anything rather than allowing myself to look at the pain that I feel but don't want to.
So here I am. I've just put the latest Hillsong album on the laptop, and am now adding to my journal blog. This CD more than any seems to allow me to see how I feel on the inside. It's as if I welcome God into the room, and we start to relate. And as we start to relate I become aware of the pain, and I want to fall into his arms and cry. To stop fighting. Stop holding back. Let it all go..
At the weekend I spent some time with an niece who was adopted by my sister in law. Her mum had been high on drugs throughout her pregnancy, and in fact gave birth to my niece whilst high on drugs. Six months later she went into a foster home before being adopted. As I spent time with her at a playground she was unable to let go. To rest. To trust. She needed to be running from one thing to another. Swings to roundabout to seesaw to climbing frame. Round and round she went. But at no time was she entering in with me. It was if it was a competition. She would not let me get close, yet I so wanted to.
Is that the same between God and I? I run from thing to thing trying to find solace, or trying to escape my pain. God follows patiently. With love in his heart for me, longing for me to stop and allow him to take me into his arms, and to hear him tell me he loves me, and to feel gloriously washed in his love, his embrace, his safety, my true home.
Lord - I find this difficult. I've been walking round like a sighing walrus. Feeling the pain, the dread on the inside. Knowing I need to stop and allow myself to feel it. Help me. Here I am.
Ten minutes later and all I've done is sighed a lot and made some groaning noises. No tears. Switched now to Adagio For Strings (Platoon) by Barber. What a fantastic piece. Moves me deep on the inside, and seems to touch areas I don't know are there, like going to a gym and the next day aching in places you didn't know existed..
Maybe now's not a time for crying. Yet I feel the deep grunge. It's ever present. Swirling. Like an emotion that won't go away. Dad about to walk in the room. Realising I've done something wrong. How will dad react? Is he going to come in and blatter me? Crush my insides. Leave me desolated.
That's what I want to get out. My dad isn't here. He doesn't live here. I rarely see him. Why do I feel like he's there? Constantly waiting for me to fall. To cock up. To get it wrong. I can't get it wrong, cos he'll blatter me. Right and wrong. Guilt. Perfectionism. My dad is not a perfectionist. Not all all, but I am because I didn't want to risk getting it wrong. Can't get it wrong. And if I do get it wrong. WHAM. Guilt surges through me. And yet now I feel just like when I was a kid. Lost. Hurting. In pain.
I want it to stop. I don't want to feel like this. It's not my fault. I've not done anything wrong. Dad, go away. You are hurting me. You've hurt me. I desperately wanted to please you, but you hurt me. I tried so hard, have tried so hard only to fall at your first hurdle. I can't do it. I can't please you. Yet I can't stop trying.
So even as I sit here trying to focus on my feelings. Trying to coax them out I feel like I'm trying oh so hard and yet potentially getting it wrong. I guess I need to be patient. Give myself time. And in fact, as I feel this grudge deep in my insides/bowels that is still me feeling the grudge. I'm allowing myself to feel it as I am not putting it to one side - at least at the moment I'm not.
Grudge. Sighs. Flatness. I'm actually afraid of being down - as in my mind's eye that would make me like my dad. And I've worked so hard to not be like my dad, that as my therapist says, I become defined by him regardless of whether I am or not like him.
Yes I think I understand there is a difference between being down/flat and depressed. But if I'm flat, it means I'm not optimistic. And if I'm not optimistic it may mean I'm being pessimistic. Which would be like my dad. My optimism was in direct proportion to my dad's pessimism.
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Guess I just have to go through today feeling it..
And then there is what I do today. What do I want to to do. I haven't got a &*&*&B clue. I know what I don't want to do. I don't want to go for a walk with my wife. I don't want to get some kitchen tiles. I don't want to feel like I have to do anything that my wife may ask me. Then I feel bad (guilty) that I'm not doing anything with my wife. My mate is off work today, I'd like to play on the xbox. Be selfish.
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