I love you Lord

So how do I feel now? Flat. Not quite down, but not up either.

I'm reading "The Shack" at the moment, and it's undoing my heart. Making God so real. So more real than my template. So more real than my flotsam. The fact that he loves me. Really truly loves me. That he's real. Really real. Truly real. Human and yet God. God and yet human. And not tied into our man made systems, our templates, our version of ourselves. But the creator. The one who loves our souls.

The one who created the heavens - because he could - and they are beautiful. And he wants to enjoy them with us. Side by side. Entwined. Gloriously together. No striving. No death. No lies. No counterfeit. Nothing between. Just me and God. God and me. Father. Papa. Dad. Mother. Brother. Friend. Joy of all joys. We'd share jokes and we'd laugh until our sides split. We'd go fishing and catch the biggest fish and still pull each other's leg about the one that got away. We'd climb the highest mountains and drink tea watching the sun come up, and take photos. And my heart would be fit to bursting. Not able to contain the pulsing life within - I would throw my arms around my Lord. Total abandonment. Love. Love given because love was given.

It's so different from my expectation. My human experience. Where love was earned, forced, templated. This is a free love. No qualms. Nothing held back. The best of the best of the best. Nothing harmful. Nothing grievous. Nothing forced. No guilt.

No guilt. Oh how much of life has been forced by guilt. My relationship with God, with my wife, with myself. What I do with my time. Right. Wrong. Guilt.

But God isn't like that. He's not into guilt. He doesn't want us to feel guilty. In fact he's done everything possible to ensure we are not guilty, and to remove any sense of guilt from us. To make us holy as he is holy. That is too wondrous a thought. Holy as he is holy. Free as it he is free. Free to love. Free to wonder. Free to explore. Free to just be free.

It was for freedom that Christ set us free.

Freedom. Not religious piety which is another form of imprisonment. No - true freedom. FREEDOM. Free. Liberty. He who the son sets free is free indeed. The spirit is there is liberty. Freedom to explore. Freedom to think. Freedom to feel. Freedom to enjoy life. To enjoy sex with my wife. Relationships with my girls. A wondrous sunset, the wonder of macro photography, the sun on my skin. Not going to church. Not attending the latest bible study, church weekend, prayer meeting. But instead enjoying God in nature. In real life. In a multidimensional life where all is permitted, and his grace reigns over all.

God I love you. I think you are wonderful. Marvelous. I want you so. Forgive me where my pain has got in the way. My templates, my defenses. My attempts to please you. Your love is so constant, and eternal, and real, and true and personal.

How do I follow you? How do I stay close to you? I so want to ask how do I serve you when the door has closed on what I thought I needed to do to please you. And yet right now who cares? You just want to be with me. Walk beside me. Fill me. Wonderful wonder. Joy full joy. Grace abounding. Love. Life. Freedom. That's what you are about. Oh how wonderful. How staggering. A life of freedom.

Lord I want to shout it from the mountaintops. From my rooftop. From my heart. Freedom with you is better than anything else, or anywhere else. Your freedom allows me to enjoy you. What you've created, who you've created, your acts and works, your creation. You. You in all of those things. How something as simple as an autumn leaf points to your majesty. It's as if you put it there just for me to enjoy. And Lord do I enjoy it.

You see if God is human, then he sees the world through eyes as my eyes. And he must wonder at his creation both as God, and as a human. Sun rise, lambs in the fields, a stream meandering through a field, cows chewing on grass, the sun's rays streaming through a forest, a misty winter morning, frost on a leaf, a robin watching as I dig the garden waiting for an opportunity to grab a worm. Fishing on a blue sky day, getting a hug from my daughter just because she loves me, seeing that smile, that look that she reserves for those she cares about. The joy. The unbridled joy. A father's joy. The joy my heavenly dad feels for me as I look at him and tell him how much I love him. I so love you Lord. For everything. For every day. For my family. For me. For everything.

Worshipping you because you just are. Not because of religious creed. Not because a church organ grinds out some hymn no one can sing. But because you are, and you are alive, and you love me, oh you love me so so so so so so so so so much. There are no words to express your love me, so you sent your son to become the word. Human as me to save a human like me. That I may be able to be with you for ever. Me and you. You and me. Your son, your spirit, father God. Being everything to me, sharing your creation and wonder and all that is you with me for ever. Changed from glory to glory. Lord I'm writing a love song to you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I can barely see the keyboard because of my tears. I love you. I'm sorry for all the crap I've thrown in the way. The way I thought I was supposed to serve you. And all the time you wanted to just love me. And me to know your love.

Lord I give myself to you. I want to be with you. I want those I love to know your love in it's fullest expression. Chris. My girls. Lord my girls. For them to be captivated by your love. For you to walk alongside them. Their friends. Their future partners, family, life.. but God for now - thank you. I love you.

Lord. Thank you pops. Spirit fill me anew. Fill me ablaze. To go where your breeze goes. Full of you. Full of your sunset. Brimming with crystal clear water. Help me, stay with me..