The email to dad

Following on from my previous posts - and the email to my father. Here is the email..

Dad,

I wrote this email after Father's Day. But I didn't send it. Since you called yesterday with follow up email I feel I need to explain where I am at. This is the email I wrote..

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I have thought long and hard over what to write to you. My fear is that for me to explain why a true father son relationship is not currently possible will only result in more pain and rejection for you - and I can see no positive outcome.

However, it's clear that you are wanting a relationship with me, and are trying very hard. I appreciate that. So, with that in mind I feel that now may be the time for me to write more about what I think and feel. I could not say this to your face, as I don't think I would be able to handle any corresponding reaction.

Bottom line is that whenever I try and relate to you (and especially about real heart issues), you are not able to relate back at the same level. It's as if I touch a volcano of pain, rejection and anger. Your pain is too big for me to deal with - and I believe that this is an effective barrier to the relationship we both desire.

I wish with all my heart it was different.

Over the years I've been married (it will be 18 years this year) I've become aware of my own behavioural tendencies which have at times been destructive towards my wife, my girls and myself. This awareness heightened over the last few months and as a result I have been working through stuff with a psychotherapist. It's a long and painful process. I liken it to the following;

A baby is born and things good and bad happen to them. As they grow up they are loved, rejected, accepted, crushed, made to feel significant or worthless. As the baby grows he does not have the tools (maturity) to handle the bad things that happen. Parents would typically help them process these things thus helping to nullify the impact. But where the parents themselves don't have some of the tools (because their parents never taught them) the child is unable to process the bad things, and impact is not nullified.

For some, the bad things really are bad, for example abuse, destitution, loneliness, domination etc. The child is unable to process the resulting rejection, pain, hurt etc - and the only thing he can do is build coping mechanisms - and put the pain into a black bin bag, It's out of sight. It's the only way of coping with the pain, ignoring and pretending it's not there.

As the child goes grows up things continue to happen in a way he can't cope with and yet it's not his fault. Each time, because he doesn't have the maturity or tools to process the resulting pain it gets thrown into a black bin bag. The problem being that at some point in his life, the black bin bags start to get in the way of living life. The doorbell rings, but there are so many bags that it's troublesome to get to the door. It's troublesome to build relationships because the house is untidy. Maybe other's can smell that all is not right, and in fact the bags start to not only affect their own life, but also those that are around them. If anyone ever threatens to get somewhere near a bag (consciously or unconsciously) woaa. He defends it with all his life because he knows (unconsciously) that it will open a great pain he wants to forget.

For many these bags are subconscious. They don't realise that they are there - but their effects are everywhere. Anyone who visits can see and smell them. Anyone who lives with them are only too aware that all is not well - even if they don't understand why.

Dad - this is the point I got to not too long ago. My bags had impeded my life to such an extent that I was not able to live how I wanted. My relationship with my wife was being severely affected. You will recall how utterly exhausted I was, how I couldn't eat normal foods. I couldn't exercise (and I love running).

For the last twelve months or so I have been focussing on dealing with the contents of some of these bags. And it's really painful. At times utterly exhausting. At times it feels as if there is no end. But. And it's a glorious but, once I've worked through some of the contents of those bags the resulting relief, release and freedom is worth every tear, every groan and every minute. It's very painful when I realise how destructive I've been with my wife and girls. It's very painful when I realise what effect my driveness has had on me and my wife/girls, and doubly so when I realise it is/was because I was trying to find significance.

It's heart breaking when I realise that I control and dominate, and then painful when I realise it's because I'm so afraid of being dominated and controlled. And so many of my negative tendencies are my coping mechanisms to past hurts. The wonderful thing is that as I work through these past hurts I am freed. My behaviour changes. I realise I'm driven, why I'm driven, work through the underlying pain (black bin bags), and the result is freedom from driveness. It's like becoming a Christian!

I've been thorough church. I've submitted, prayed, fasted, praised, worshipped, interceded - and yet it has taken therapy with a non christian to allow me to work through these bags. I wish more people would - primarily because then they too would be set free from many of the things which bind them. Namely past hurts.

Dad, here's the rub.

It doesn't have to remain the way it's always been. I can change. You can change. I long that you were in a place to be able to see a therapist yourself. Dad, I love you, and can only guess at your upbringing - and how the pain and rejection from that impacted you so very much. How could it not have done? You are carrying bags, and you don't need to. You try so hard, so very hard and yet it results in more pain for you. And you can't understand it. I believe a therapist would help - and crucially if you were able to work through some of the past pains I believe it would have a very positive impact on our relationship, as well as with others.

There - I've said what I want to say for the moment. I now am apprehensive. Will you be able to see what I am saying without being defensive - because dad, I am not wanting in any way to attack - or justify. I don't want a biblical treatise by response, nor do I want you to feel that you need to justify how you feel. The bottom line is that right now I can't handle your bags any more. They have had too great an effect on me, and whenever I meet with you I still feel that I have to climb over them.Yet I really want a relationship with you. But in order to do so, I need you to be aware of those bags, and crucially, that you would be actively working though them.

I expect that I will not hear from you for some time whilst you ponder, reread, ruminate, talk etc....

Mark