Email to dad = fear & trepidation.

There's no doubt about it. As you work through deep and dark stuff, painful and grungy, it tires you out. Things you would normally be able to do suddenly feel like climbing a mountain. I need more sleep, am less able to go running, and as now, 9pm and I want to go to bed!

I sent THE email to my dad two days ago. Telling him nicely that I can't have a relationship with him until he works through some of his stuff. No reply yet. As I walk around I can feel the deep fear of his reaction - knowing it as a child and growing into an adult only too well.. For the last three days I have been living with that feeling, and it's the same feeling as when I was at home.

It's as if I have deliberately connected myself to some electric wires and am about to turn on the power. I know it's going to hurt. In fact I know it's a really really stupid thing to do. That's what I have just done in sending the email to my dad. Just thinking about his reaction churns my insides. That's what we all lived in fear of. The fact that when he reacted, boy did he react, and we would do all we could to ensure it didn't happen.

Yet I have deliberately done it. Walked into the eye of the storm. Placed the revolver in my mouth. Pulled the pin on the grenade and thrown it above my head..

And it's not a pleasant feeling. I tell myself that it is not my fault if my dad can't relate like an adult. I am wanting to, indeed am wanting a relationship with him. I just need it to be on a level playing field. So I can rationalise it very well, but in the meantime my insides are mush, fear, trepidation.. No doubt my therapy session this week will focus on this deep and horrible feeling..