36 hours with my family - my daughter and me

So. Thirty six hours we set off for South West Wales, which was around 200 miles away. My wife wanted to stay at a "green" campsite. There were a range of tents already set up, some bog standard ones (like the one we stayed in) but also Tepees and other larger ones with stoves, beds and arm chairs! A novel idea. Using standard toiletries was not permitted either, so we had to purchase natural toothpaste and toiletries. The location was lovely, and we could hear rutting stags howling out their call to arms throughout the night.

It took 4.5 hours to get there - primarily as once you pull off the motorway there are almost train like lines of cars doing no more than 40 mph. The girls both whined about being car sick (they are 12 & 15). The youngest one being the worst. The oldest one is just starting that time of the month and was in pain and feeling generally very uncomfortable.

Neither wanted to do anything when we got there, but we still went to see Cardigan for some tea. That was ok. We had an enjoyable time together, before making our way back to our tent with some snacks. There we lit a fire in our fire bucket and enjoyed maybe two hours of chatting, laughing etc - despite the oldest still feeling out of it. The youngest one is, at times, still very childish. She demands attention and wants to be the centre of it all. It can get very wearing, her acting like a two year old.

In fact I'd say that was one of the least enjoyable aspects of our time together. My youngest, as usual, being a complete drama queen and acting, frankly, spoilt. It has been a major battle since she was born. From that moment she has turned our lives upsidedown. She would only sleep if we held her,. despite trying everything. Plus she would only sleep during the day, not at night. We did all we could to keep her up during the day, and then making her sleep at night. One night I even stayed up all night walking with her to try and change her sleeping patterns.

When she was older (toddler) she used to get out of her cot/bed and come downstairs. After a while we resorted to barricading her in her bedroom. She would scream, shout, demand, pull all her bed clothes off, trash her room whilst we waited outside. Eventually (say 11pm) she would fall asleep behind the door and we would put her back into her bed. It was impossible, and very stressful. We didn't know what else to do - as she would flatly refuse to stay in bed, no matter what the time.

She would wake us up constantly at nights too - right through till at least five years old. Each time we would patiently take her back to her bed, trying not to reward the behaviour. It was knackering for us..

She didn't want to go to school. She would take an age to get dressed in the mornings (even if she wasn't going to school). She didn't like her socks. She didn't want to eat breakfast. In fact pretty much everything has been a battle with her. Once she got to school she was fine, and apparently happy. She's had friends throughout. We've supported her in her love for dancing - meaning lots of lifts. She currently does; ballet, tap, street dancing and jazz. That's four classes a week, which rises to six when she has a show coming up as now.

We've been strict and disciplined, loving and gracious, soft and cuddly, firm but fair, we've pulled our hair out, and had to stick it back again.

It's been upsetting, annoying, irritating, hard work, tiring, exhausting, heart breaking. She's demanded and demanded. And demanded some more. She takes over if we are not careful. She takes over if we are. Her older sister complains that we let her get away with too much. She would eat every piece of chocolate in the house if she could so we have to hide it. She's the same with sweets. I have to watch her very carefully with her dinner money as otherwise she would spend it on chocs, icreacreams or sweets.

She has the most gorgeous blue eyes, and fantastic lovable temperament. She dances into every room, takes forever to get ready as she prances during that too. She demands what her older sister has. She can be very dominating, and needs a strong and firm hand to ensure she isn't.

She has had loud and anger fuled rages where she would cream at the top of her lungs that she hates us. Slam her door repeatedly. Scream. The last time she did this was probably almost six months ago so thankfully she is maturing. But she would do this from 2-3 years old up to maybe a year ago. Again it would require firm discipline - "you are now to stay in your room for ten minutes, the ten minutes only starts when you are quiet. Once the ten minutes is up you will need to apologise to us for your behaviour." "No I won't.. screaaaam." As I say, very tiring.

It also spoils everything. It spoilt the journey down yesterday. She had a long face, and clearly stated she didn't want to be here, didn't want to camping. I explained that this was important to mum and that we do plenty of things for her, so now it was our turn to do this for mum. "I feel sick, I hate the car, I don't want to be here, I want to be at home" etc. etc. Yet once we were around the camp fire she lapped up the attention - and wanted to stay a second night (we came back after one).

So - interesting - I thought I would write my thoughts about our family time together. I end up writing about how hard work my youngest was. Despite the fact that my oldest didn't want to do anything as she was knocked out with girly stuff. But she isn't a drama queen, and doesn't make a fuss.

I also realised as I sat down to write that I hadn't thought about anything whilst we were away. It's as if I go into survival mode - go with the flow - look for a bit of fun. When I returned home I wanted to switch off, maybe play the xbox, later watch a switch off man film. Why is that?

Supposition - it's because that's how I survived when I was a kid. Go with the flow. Don't think about anything as having an opinion will just get me into trouble. Don't upset dad. So now - I would like to maybe read and write this blog, then talk with my wife. But my other side wants to veg and escape. Not deal with anything.

Ineresting. It's like that most evenings. If I am not seeing a mate I want to do the same. Veg and escape. Yet another part of me (hopefully growing) wants to stay connected, read a good book, get ready for bed early so I can read.. Think. Relax.

So why I do I switch off so readily? Because it's easy. Because it's safer (according to my six year old). Because doing anything else when I was a kid wasn't an option. Talking about real things with my parents was a no no - they weren't interested. I remember being nineteen and returning from university for a weekend's break (no doubt beause I felt guilty I hadn't been home for a while). I sat down in the living room to talk - and they were watching the TV (news) on full volume whilst mum was reading. I tried to make conversation - nothing. Nadda. Nothing. Sweet zero. It just confirmed that they wanted the appearance of us being together, but not the work or reality. And I remember thinking how much it sucked, how much it hurt (they didn't want to talk with me) and how much I wouldn't try this again.

So maybe I'm still in that mode.. Get through it, do what's expected of me, go with the flow, ride with the punches. Certainly not be fully engaged, switched on and contributing in unexpected ways because that was a one way road to trouble.. with a capital T.