What do I do next?

So. The girls have been away at Newday for a couple of days, and my wife and I have been working hard on each other (!). We've had great sex, enjoyed our time together and talked lots. We seem to talk lots - which I guess is really important!

In amongst all of this talking, is the crucial issue of what my wife does next. She would love to buy a farm, and branch out into various things - running it as a business supporting a local community, with cafe, shop(s), organic, self sustaining, eco friendly, pigs, maybe some sheep, chickens etc. Our thoughts are anywhere between 100 and 150 acres.

And this begs the question - what about me? She describes me as a bomb, when all she needs is a grenade. That I would be "too big" for a farm. I'd want global domination. She wants to have, say, two million pounds to buy a farm for up to £1.5m and keep £500k min as float to do it up and get it to a point where it is not costing us to run. I.e. it's viable/self sustaining.

So that is £2m. If we sold the company for £2.5 after taxes we'd have £2m. Right now I think that is what the company would be worth - ish. So if we sold the company, we'd have enough money for my wife, but I'd have to work and earn a lot of money to keep us at the level we currently are. We each earn £60k net from the company (minus maybe 10% tax). So that's £120k per annum. I'd have to earn £200k gross to get that net. So I'd sell the company, give all the money to my wife, then go back to work :(

That's not an attractive proposition. So then my thinking goes, why don't I give my company another push so that we can sell it for more money. £3m net would mean we could live without me having to earn a huge amount, £4m net would be fantastic. I could chose where to work or invest.

And that then begs a HUGE question. What do I want to do? And I really don't know the answer.

The major downside of being the MD of our current company is that I retain the responsibility and stress when we lose money - and so far we are about £100k down after four months. We've made redundancies but even with that - the credit crunch is stopping projects which is 50% of our turnover, and it's hurting us badly.

So do I go back? Do I wait for another two months or so, then throw myself back in in order to drive the company to it's next level? Can I really do it? Do I have either a) the energy, or b) the skills? I don't know the answer to either.

What would I do if I went back? What would my role be? I don't want to lose myself again - like I have before. I want to be able to able to carry on relating to my wife, my girls, my friends. I want to be in the real world, not one which I've made in order to be successful in. So which it? Which would I be? Am I capable of doing multiple things? Or am I so single focused I really can only do one thing at a time?

And if I do go back - is it right to have as my motivation to earn more money? To grow the company? To gain greater options for my wife and I, as well as others along the way? I've lost my passion for the technology we specialise in. That may be a good or bad thing. My desire would be to have a self sustaining company rather than be at the whims of any specific technology. But then again, would I want to pull a suit on again and work five days a week?

I think I can say no to that last one. I want more freedom than that. The idea of staying as Chairman of my company, whilst having time/energy and money to invest in other things really appeals. But is it possible? Am I trying to get my cake and eat it?

Would I prefer to be released from the stress of owning the company through a sale, then provide consultancy to other companies through something like Business Link? Part time - as a lifestyle. Earning enough money to get by, but crucially really enjoying what I do whilst not taking it home with me at night.

Would I be prepared to sell my company, give all the money to my wife, if there was still some left over to provide a partial income, and I had to work 3 days a week? Earning say £500 per day, £60k per annum. Would that be me being a "rescuer"? Trying to fix other people or companies? Is there anything wrong with that - provided I have worked through my need to be significant?

What do I want to do? What comes after therapy and a sabbatical? How do I best support my wife, whilst retaining my identity? These are tough questions.. and ones I don't have the answers to - but I find it interesting that I am starting to ask them.

And I realise that I can't be on a sabbatical for the rest of my life. I'm still too young. And I would get bored (though I haven't been so far). I want a challenge. Something to take some of my energy - the key word being _some_.

Watch this space.