One year into therapy

Wow. One whole year. And what a year. If counting emotional roller coasters allied to feelings of exhaustion, pain and anger are anything to judge by.

So - where am I?

Well actually, pretty good. I am far happier in my own skin, and am very (more?) aware of where I still need to develop myself.

Here's an excerpt of an email I just sent to a friend.


Ref our news - the house (as in the building phase) has finished. We've still got some decorating to do - some skirting boards, tiling the kitchen - but other than that the inside is done. We have made a tentative start on the jungle that is our backgarden. My wife has managed to grow all manner of vegetables in the back of the garden (and for the first time is making use of the greenhouse). I've carried on working on the pond - humping 3-4 tonnes of earth. More still to do.

I'm now five months into my sabbatical. It's been a good break - and I've learnt a lot about myself. The best I can explain it as is that I will know the Truth and the Truth will set me free. Therapy - if carried out with real conviction - is like that. It's like learning about yourself, from Truth's perspective. Bringing things hidden into the light. Oh it can be so painful, and it lasts a while too - but the fruit is great. I've been at it a year now, and I could stop. I've had a break over the last 2-3 weeks which has been good, but in that period I've also seen some areas that I want to work through. How I am unable to relate in certain areas of my life, or allow myself the freedom in certain situations that I know God has for us.

I was commenting to my wife last night - wondering whether many who stand before God on that final day will for the first time see some of the stuff I've been working through. The volcanic realisation that what I'd been working on so hard really mattered not at all. That my driveness was futile. My compass flawed. I'd much rather work through that now rather than wait to be undone on that day. This way I have a chance to be/do those things God has for me in a real and humble way. The truth way, the right way, the God way - I don't know how to explain it. And I have no idea where I am going in the sense of my future.

My wife is really wanting to move on and do "her thing". This seems to involve at some point selling the company, then buying some kind of farm/estate and running multiple business' on it. Such as a cafe, an eco campsite, holiday lets, crafts, some animals, some veg, some . She wants to be able to conduct an orchestra but related to activities that lots of land would afford. So she doesn't actually want to do it herself - I.e. she doesn't want to grow tomatoes for the rest of her life. No - she wants to create some kind of employment with a strong sense of community - and find some kind of fulfillment for who she is. She has supported me and the girls all her adult life - so now is her time.

That alone presents some challenges for me. I have been in charge thus far - and followed what I now realise were templates set in place from early childhood. Supporting someone else with my life where I am not in charge is a challenge to me! I fear being dominated or controlled in the same way I was by my parents - thus the therapy. Realising this, and working through the attendant feelings brings release. Now the proof will be in the pudding! How will I do? Watch this space.

The other thing is that it is so alien to the way I was brought up. I was brought up to believe that I would be in full time ministry. It still challenges me now - but the thing that I almost see but am still equally confused by is that for me to go into ministry is me, not God. God has something else for me which is challenging. And I don't know what it is. It would be so easy for me to do ministry. I was trained from an early age. But I wouldn't be marred if I did. My wife laments much of what we see in terms of church. And I have to agree with her. It's as if so many are trapped in church, and will only do what the pastor teaches them. Surely God gave us brains! And feelings. And desires. And wisdom. Yet the moment we set out to do something which is not considered the norm it's as if we become outcasts of some kind. Maybe you know that feeling with all that you have done, and continue to??

Anyway - that's probably enough for now! The girls are well too - both are growing up so fast. Both are as tall as my wife now - with Amie being 15 and Lucy 12. Amie can't see the point in God at the moment, as it really makes no difference to her. Her telling me that was painful to hear, and yet I am determined to allow her to have her way. Oh God. My little girl. Look after her and bring her into a glorious union with You when Your timing is right.. And help me to be the dad You would have me be..