My relationship with God

Lost.

Wanting.

Confused and hurt.

Deeper than words.

I want to cry. Cry big heart sobbing tears. I want to feel the heat off my heart's passions on my cheeks. I want to lose myself in his gloriousness. His softness. His embrace. I want to lose myself in your softness. Know your embrace, wrapping yourself around me in a cocoon of love.

Allowing my pain to melt into your healing. My deep grief to be transformed by your life giving joy.

To know that you love me. Truly. Deeply. Unconditionally. Always have. Always will. Not based on my merits, or lack of them. Not based on what I do, but who you made me. Passionate about the things I'm passionate about. Those things which are closest to my heart being closest to yours. My wife. Her happiness. My girls. Their lives. That you carry what I carry. You care about me. About what I care about. That you are there. Next to me. In me. Carrying not only what I am carrying, but carrying me too..

Feeling your whole hearted embrace as a mother. Nowhere safer, more welcoming, more comforting. Absolute acceptance.

You came for me. You left heaven, and your Godliness and became a man for me. You came for me. God came for me. You came for me. You left it all and came for me. Me. ME. I'm not on my own. I don't need to be alone. I don't need to do it on my own. I can do it with you, because you came for me.

You are truth. All the truth I need. Pure truth. Pure life giving truth. Freedom, the meaning of freedom. You are all I need. I don't need to look for anything else, because all I need is found in you. You know what I mean Lord for you see my heart. You give me wonderful things. A deep caring passionate supporting loving gracious wife, beatiful wonderful gorgeous fantastic lovely loving girls.

God. I love you, but only because you first loved me. I'm carrying round so much pain. So much crap from my past, from my current. I don't get so many things. There are so many things I wish I could change.

How come I've lost you so much? So much removed myself from your presence? You are right there. The most gentle person I'm ever going to meet. The most gracious, accepting, loving, comforting, caring, lovely, wonderful, for me person there is. And I've left you to one side. Not being able to understand. Drowning in my own pain, in a bucket on the decks of your ship. You allowing me to splash and splutter yet right there. Much like a father would with his head strong five year old. Have your paddy, wallow in your pain, but I'm right here son. I'm right here. Always have been. Always will be.

God I give you my everything. My deepest hurts. Those I can show no one, I give to you. Those areas I hate about myself, hide.. My pain. My rejection. My sense of worthlessness. My fears. The barriers to true relationships. God, I give them all to you.

Lord I embrace your embrace. Thank you. Thank you. THank you. Thank you.

Where has the blockage come from. There's been times I've been so close with you. Singing in the garden, losing myself in your beauty. And then, I've grown cold. Did something happen. Did I become aware of my humanity and therein choose to hide much like Adam did? I'm not worthy. I've been hurt. God why did you make me do that? Oh that old story over and over again. Temptation, committing the sin, then hiding and blaming others. But God I want it to be so different.

I want it be..

I want our relationship to be of the best kind. Close. Soft. Warm. Accepting. Like resting in a mother's bosom. The safest and warmest place for a babe. Total warmth, total acceptance, total safety. To play with your skirt. Run in and out of your legs. To be tossed high in the air by my father. Feel his strong arms, and see his beaming smile in his eyes as he gazed on my own. To hear him say "well done son." Encouragement. Affirmation.

Oh. The best kind of relationship. Deep. Intimate. Caring. Constant.

Lord - help me. Heal me of my hurts which stick out like thorns and scrape those around me. Stop me from getting close. From trusting others, trusting you. Lord - help me. Help me to rest in you. Find peace in you. Comfort and joy.

Lord I love you so. I want you so. Want to be with you, deeper, more intimate. To experience your love in an ever deeper and more satisfying way. Never being content with yesterday, but always looking for your salvation today. Your saving grace. Your healing love. Your refreshing spirit. Your joyess abode. In the here and now. Sozo in the here and now. Constant, continuous.

Lord I love you. I love you. OOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooohhhhhhh. Lord. I love you. I like you. I want you. Bathe over me, let me bathe in you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Yet Lord, there's all this I'm carrying round. My wife. My girls. Me. My friends. My family. Our future. Stuff I have no power over. Stuff I can't do anything about. Stuff I wish were difference. It weighs upon me heavily. Twists my insides. Seeing my wife down deeply upsets me. Does it upset you too Lord? Seeing my wife down? Seeing my wife desperate trying to find herself, even as she cries whilst worshipping you? Does it hurt you Lord? Am I alone in this?

My daughter telling me yesterday that she can't see the point of God because it makes little difference in her life anyway. Oh God. How do you feel about that? I know that it shook me to my core, and yet I so wanted her to have her own mind. And yet it still shook me to my core. Knowing you. Knowing you.. Do you care? Of course you do, but in my weakness and frailty I feel that it's a burden that I alone can carry. Which of course is bollocks. Because God cares far more about my daughter than I - which is hard to imagine but true nevertheless. Oh God - meet with my daughter. Keep her safe. Meet with her. Truly. Deeply. Life changingly. Show yourself to her in the way you want to.

Thankyou that my time with you know does not need to stop. That the moment I leave this keyboard you go with me. That I can abide in you, stay in you, stay living in your presence. Help me o Lord.

Lord you are wonderful. Too marvelous for words..

Lord, I want to give up trying to work it out for myself. I know that I will continue to, for that is my nature. But help me. I give you my future, and our future as a family, and as a couple. I give you my friends. I give you our church situation. Or lack of it. I give you everything. The whole bleedin lot. The stuff I can't carry. The stuff I fret over, deep inside. The stuff I try and fix. My friends. Chris. His situation. Lord the whole lot. asf jasdf jsaf jasf jasf js jasf jasf jf jjasldf jfj flj afjsee even now that makes me despair. So much to work out. So much to get right. Crap. Lord, there's my past pains coming to the fore again. Heal me Lord. Let me let loose of those things which hinder me and pull me back from your presence.

If only it could all be fixed in an instant, now. That whilst I was here in your presence, you would touch me and make me perfect. Deal with all my past issues, make me wholy whole. My desires, my will, my emotions. I know you have given me a new heart, and am holy in your sight (well theologically at least).

Funnily enough that was my approach with my therapist. Can I work 9-5.30 for five days and fix it all. Nope said my therpist, it's a process. And God's the same. For him to do that to me would make me non human. No, instead I need to work with him, allowing his grace to so enthuse my life as I continue to walk with him that day by day I change from one degree of glory to another. But Lord I want it all now. I know son, but patience. Trust me. Wait on me. Walk with me. Enjoy the day with me. Enjoy today with me. You don't need to have all the answers, shush now my precious [am embraced in God's bosom]. Rest. Rest in me, and know my life. My zoe kind of life.. Life in all it's fulness.