After a week away (in Devon)

Well, that wasn't so bad! We managed to spend a week together on our own, and actually quite enjoyed it. The weather was awful (!) - with gale force winds and constant rain, but we still found time to go walking, visit villages/towns and do lots of talking.

And that was the interesting part. There was lots and lots we talked about, and lots of areas for me to process.

My inherited template

My parents have put such a huge template within me that acts as the foundation and walls to my decision making. To my parents - God was everything. More specifically church was everything - or rather ministry was everything. Helping others, fixing others, preaching, seeing the lost saved, praying for healing, going _to_ church, meetings, bible studies and prayer meetings. I've already said enough for anyone to see that God wasn't a real gracious entity at home. No instead we all performed. Church was something we did, and we became very good at it.

Apart from all the downsides already discussed, anything which didn't somehow further church ministry was rubbished. Considered unimportant. More than that, a waste of time. It wasn't matching up to the most important thing in the universe. Everything was measured up to whether the kingdom of heaven was being extended.

So hobbies didn't register on the radar at all. Why have a hobby when you can be serving the Lord? Running, walking, photography, painting, anything in fact which took effort, time and resources was almost denounced. Not in clear "you mustn't do that" but against the calling. Ministry.

After all, what's more important? Saving a life or walking through a glade? Saving a life or going to the gym? Saving a life or taking some photos?

And that's the template. So when my wife says "let's go for a walk" - my template kicks in. There's no motivation - because it's not saving lives. And more than that - it's a waste of time. Yet if I get out there, it's beautiful. I love it. The scenery, the walking, nature, animals, streams, rivers, sky, trees, grass, flowers - all in a cacophony of vibrant colours and sounds.

It's so duplicitous. Because if I wasn't walking, I'd be watching telly, or surfing the net. I.e. I'm not out there saving lives. And neither are my parents. Sure they go to church to preach, heal, save.. but they are not nice people to live with during the week. They are not caring for others during the week, getting involved in people's lives. They _go_ to church to preach.

Argh. It's such a strong template though.

Sale of the company - perfectionism

My wife wants to move on. Buy a farm. Not be tied into our company any longer. She would not have enough money to buy a farm if we sold only her 50% - so we have to sell the whole company. So I have to do some processing, thinking and planning. Put the company up for sale in April next year, tell the guys some time before with bonuses in place for success.

How do I feel? Mixed. Having my wife make the decision to sell the company means I'm not making the decision which makes it both easier and harder. It's not currently making money (£140k down after 4 months) but it should start to make a profit in the next month or two. Provided we can make at least £100k profit by end of March, along with the money we are taking out means that we should get at least £2m. But there's no guarantees.

And that's the second template (or is it the same one) which kicks in. Perfection. Whatever I do has to be right, get the maximum options/freedom/money/time for me. It's always about maximising everything. Getting the best. That somehow if I don't get the best then I've failed. If I sell something for £10 but could have got £12 then I failed. It's not possible to settle for ok. The maximum has to be wrung out of everything. The best, the biggest, the most.

And it's horrible, because I can't rest in it.

So selling the company becomes another thing which has to be done right. Of course it's not "right" to sell the company because I could grow it some more, and it would be worth more in two years than one year. So by selling the company now ish means I'm losing out on something I could get. It has to be perfect. I have to sell it for the most money I can possibly get, whilst selling it to the best type of company who will look after my staff. I have to have the most options, the most money.


And then there's control

So. We sell the company. My wife takes the money and buys a farm. My template says "with all that cash you must invest it and grow it". Oh - so not to buy a farm for my wife then? Not allow her to run it in the way she sees fit? Not as some money making machine, but rather as a lifestyle... OOOOOOOOoooooooooo. That really challenges my insides.

And I can't be in control. I have to learn to be a partner. Someone who supports, but doesn't take over. Historically I've either been leading or not interested. I don't do middle of the road. And yet that is what my wife is looking for. For me to support her. To be there for her.

How do I get ahead in that? How do I protect myself in that? How do I marry the two conflicting requirements that I have been both trained in and worked hard at myself?

So - this challenges me to my core

Ministry being more important than anything else, perfectionism and control. Selling the company, allowing my wife to spend it on a farm and then supporting her challenges everything about me.

Ah well, who wanted an easy ride?