Story - The bag carrier

I was panicking. The train was packed and it was hot. Typical. Why would the train have to be packed today of all days? Wasn't it always the way? The day you really want it to be easy, and it's difficult. I cursed the weather, cursed the slow train and cursed the stupid fat man opposite me.

As the train jolted into the next station, some nearby teenagers pushed through the standing passengers to get off. "I can't believe Sarah did that to him", said the girl with more make up than Madonna, "I mean, why did she?". Her friend was behind her, a single earphone in one ear whilst talking on her mobile in the other. They got off and were replaced with newspaper bearing commuters juggling laptops and coffee cups.

Why today? I cursed inwardly and counted my bags. Didn't want to lose any of them and again looked up to check the station order on the map. Mine was the next one. Nerves pricked at my stomach, and I held a number of bags in my right hand. I'd been lucky to get a seat, but felt guilty for taking it. What could I do? I was used to disapproving looks, so made eye contact with no one.

Why are trains always so packed I thought? Why hasn't the government done something about it? Made the aisles wider? Space for bags bigger. Much bigger? Why do so many people want to go on the train anyway? Why don't they drive? Or catch a different train to me? I knew it was doing no good but couldn't help myself. It was just typical. The world was conspiring against me and I was powerless to stop it.

A loud shrieking noise burst through the carriage causing me to jump. As I did so the lady next to me dived into her handbag and her face creased into a smile. "Hi Lisa, I'm on a train.. hello? Can you hear me? Hello? Yes, hi its me.". It was always the same on the train. It was if to make up for a lack of reception they shout all the louder. "Yes, I'd love to, 8pm? Great - see you then". They should ban mobiles, and the people who use them.

The train rolled into the next station. I was starting to panic. The train was running ten minutes late, but it wasn't that that was bothering me. I took a deep breath. There were so many people. Would I be able to make it? My mind rehearsed what I would do, and I counted my bags once again.

The heavily jowled man opposite me stood up, and as if by a secret signal, so did almost half the carriage. Damn. That was just more obstacles in my way. Unforgiving, uncaring and unmoving. Why me? It was just so unfair. My heart was in my mouth. I wasn't going to be able to do it. I counted my bags again. Too many. I knew there were too many, but what could I do?

As we approached the station I stood up and grabbed all the bags I could. It wasn't enough and I could feel every set of eyes in the carriage bore into the back of my head. I pretended I didn't notice and continued staring at the floor. I almost lost my balance as the train juddered to a stop but managed to tense my legs to keep me still.

This was it. I forced my way through the mass of people to the doors. I heard some comments and am sure one lady fell. But I couldn't stop. I needed to get out. I dropped my bags in a pile next to an official looking man in a uniform. There were so many people. Coming, going. All about their business. Seemingly free to come and go. Why couldn't they help me? They only had one or two bags. I had hundreds.

I ran back onto the train and forced myself through the new faces. Made my way to my seat and grabbed as many of the remaining bags as possible. I was afraid now. I knew I couldn't possibly make it. My stomach lurched as I blindly forced me and my bags through a gap. But too late, I heard the doors closing and the felt the train start to judder out of the station.

No! I cried in my heart. No. No. No. No. This can't be happening to me. Why? Why me? Why doesn't the train stop for longer? Don't they understand my needs? Why can't it be easier? I collapsed into my seat in utter failure, desolation seeping through my veins, giving up that I would ever make it. I wanted to cry for all eternity.

A spotty young man wearing a hoody leaned over and extended his arm down to my side. My heart jumped into my mouth. He picked up a ticket off the edge of my seat and lamely uttered a barely audible apology. A sigh escaped from my pent up emotions and I quickly looked away. I couldn't take much more of this. My system was in overload.

I weighed my options, and saw nothing. Despair filled my lungs. I looked down once again at my bags. There were just so, so many. Panic caused me to check the train route above my head yet again. Why didn't they put more stations in? Make it easier for those of us who use the damn things? It would have to be the next station. I grabbed as many bags as I could and risked looking up to plot my escape. My heart sank to new depths as a lady with three young children pulled a suitcase the size of a small car into the aisle. Oh God. Why me?


--

As I watched this poor soul my heart went out to her. Didn't she realise that it wasn't the train, the weather or the people around her who were causing her anguish? No, it was her baggage. If only she could be set free from her baggage..

My relationship with God

Lost.

Wanting.

Confused and hurt.

Deeper than words.

I want to cry. Cry big heart sobbing tears. I want to feel the heat off my heart's passions on my cheeks. I want to lose myself in his gloriousness. His softness. His embrace. I want to lose myself in your softness. Know your embrace, wrapping yourself around me in a cocoon of love.

Allowing my pain to melt into your healing. My deep grief to be transformed by your life giving joy.

To know that you love me. Truly. Deeply. Unconditionally. Always have. Always will. Not based on my merits, or lack of them. Not based on what I do, but who you made me. Passionate about the things I'm passionate about. Those things which are closest to my heart being closest to yours. My wife. Her happiness. My girls. Their lives. That you carry what I carry. You care about me. About what I care about. That you are there. Next to me. In me. Carrying not only what I am carrying, but carrying me too..

Feeling your whole hearted embrace as a mother. Nowhere safer, more welcoming, more comforting. Absolute acceptance.

You came for me. You left heaven, and your Godliness and became a man for me. You came for me. God came for me. You came for me. You left it all and came for me. Me. ME. I'm not on my own. I don't need to be alone. I don't need to do it on my own. I can do it with you, because you came for me.

You are truth. All the truth I need. Pure truth. Pure life giving truth. Freedom, the meaning of freedom. You are all I need. I don't need to look for anything else, because all I need is found in you. You know what I mean Lord for you see my heart. You give me wonderful things. A deep caring passionate supporting loving gracious wife, beatiful wonderful gorgeous fantastic lovely loving girls.

God. I love you, but only because you first loved me. I'm carrying round so much pain. So much crap from my past, from my current. I don't get so many things. There are so many things I wish I could change.

How come I've lost you so much? So much removed myself from your presence? You are right there. The most gentle person I'm ever going to meet. The most gracious, accepting, loving, comforting, caring, lovely, wonderful, for me person there is. And I've left you to one side. Not being able to understand. Drowning in my own pain, in a bucket on the decks of your ship. You allowing me to splash and splutter yet right there. Much like a father would with his head strong five year old. Have your paddy, wallow in your pain, but I'm right here son. I'm right here. Always have been. Always will be.

God I give you my everything. My deepest hurts. Those I can show no one, I give to you. Those areas I hate about myself, hide.. My pain. My rejection. My sense of worthlessness. My fears. The barriers to true relationships. God, I give them all to you.

Lord I embrace your embrace. Thank you. Thank you. THank you. Thank you.

Where has the blockage come from. There's been times I've been so close with you. Singing in the garden, losing myself in your beauty. And then, I've grown cold. Did something happen. Did I become aware of my humanity and therein choose to hide much like Adam did? I'm not worthy. I've been hurt. God why did you make me do that? Oh that old story over and over again. Temptation, committing the sin, then hiding and blaming others. But God I want it to be so different.

I want it be..

I want our relationship to be of the best kind. Close. Soft. Warm. Accepting. Like resting in a mother's bosom. The safest and warmest place for a babe. Total warmth, total acceptance, total safety. To play with your skirt. Run in and out of your legs. To be tossed high in the air by my father. Feel his strong arms, and see his beaming smile in his eyes as he gazed on my own. To hear him say "well done son." Encouragement. Affirmation.

Oh. The best kind of relationship. Deep. Intimate. Caring. Constant.

Lord - help me. Heal me of my hurts which stick out like thorns and scrape those around me. Stop me from getting close. From trusting others, trusting you. Lord - help me. Help me to rest in you. Find peace in you. Comfort and joy.

Lord I love you so. I want you so. Want to be with you, deeper, more intimate. To experience your love in an ever deeper and more satisfying way. Never being content with yesterday, but always looking for your salvation today. Your saving grace. Your healing love. Your refreshing spirit. Your joyess abode. In the here and now. Sozo in the here and now. Constant, continuous.

Lord I love you. I love you. OOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooohhhhhhh. Lord. I love you. I like you. I want you. Bathe over me, let me bathe in you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Yet Lord, there's all this I'm carrying round. My wife. My girls. Me. My friends. My family. Our future. Stuff I have no power over. Stuff I can't do anything about. Stuff I wish were difference. It weighs upon me heavily. Twists my insides. Seeing my wife down deeply upsets me. Does it upset you too Lord? Seeing my wife down? Seeing my wife desperate trying to find herself, even as she cries whilst worshipping you? Does it hurt you Lord? Am I alone in this?

My daughter telling me yesterday that she can't see the point of God because it makes little difference in her life anyway. Oh God. How do you feel about that? I know that it shook me to my core, and yet I so wanted her to have her own mind. And yet it still shook me to my core. Knowing you. Knowing you.. Do you care? Of course you do, but in my weakness and frailty I feel that it's a burden that I alone can carry. Which of course is bollocks. Because God cares far more about my daughter than I - which is hard to imagine but true nevertheless. Oh God - meet with my daughter. Keep her safe. Meet with her. Truly. Deeply. Life changingly. Show yourself to her in the way you want to.

Thankyou that my time with you know does not need to stop. That the moment I leave this keyboard you go with me. That I can abide in you, stay in you, stay living in your presence. Help me o Lord.

Lord you are wonderful. Too marvelous for words..

Lord, I want to give up trying to work it out for myself. I know that I will continue to, for that is my nature. But help me. I give you my future, and our future as a family, and as a couple. I give you my friends. I give you our church situation. Or lack of it. I give you everything. The whole bleedin lot. The stuff I can't carry. The stuff I fret over, deep inside. The stuff I try and fix. My friends. Chris. His situation. Lord the whole lot. asf jasdf jsaf jasf jasf js jasf jasf jf jjasldf jfj flj afjsee even now that makes me despair. So much to work out. So much to get right. Crap. Lord, there's my past pains coming to the fore again. Heal me Lord. Let me let loose of those things which hinder me and pull me back from your presence.

If only it could all be fixed in an instant, now. That whilst I was here in your presence, you would touch me and make me perfect. Deal with all my past issues, make me wholy whole. My desires, my will, my emotions. I know you have given me a new heart, and am holy in your sight (well theologically at least).

Funnily enough that was my approach with my therapist. Can I work 9-5.30 for five days and fix it all. Nope said my therpist, it's a process. And God's the same. For him to do that to me would make me non human. No, instead I need to work with him, allowing his grace to so enthuse my life as I continue to walk with him that day by day I change from one degree of glory to another. But Lord I want it all now. I know son, but patience. Trust me. Wait on me. Walk with me. Enjoy the day with me. Enjoy today with me. You don't need to have all the answers, shush now my precious [am embraced in God's bosom]. Rest. Rest in me, and know my life. My zoe kind of life.. Life in all it's fulness.

One year into therapy

Wow. One whole year. And what a year. If counting emotional roller coasters allied to feelings of exhaustion, pain and anger are anything to judge by.

So - where am I?

Well actually, pretty good. I am far happier in my own skin, and am very (more?) aware of where I still need to develop myself.

Here's an excerpt of an email I just sent to a friend.


Ref our news - the house (as in the building phase) has finished. We've still got some decorating to do - some skirting boards, tiling the kitchen - but other than that the inside is done. We have made a tentative start on the jungle that is our backgarden. My wife has managed to grow all manner of vegetables in the back of the garden (and for the first time is making use of the greenhouse). I've carried on working on the pond - humping 3-4 tonnes of earth. More still to do.

I'm now five months into my sabbatical. It's been a good break - and I've learnt a lot about myself. The best I can explain it as is that I will know the Truth and the Truth will set me free. Therapy - if carried out with real conviction - is like that. It's like learning about yourself, from Truth's perspective. Bringing things hidden into the light. Oh it can be so painful, and it lasts a while too - but the fruit is great. I've been at it a year now, and I could stop. I've had a break over the last 2-3 weeks which has been good, but in that period I've also seen some areas that I want to work through. How I am unable to relate in certain areas of my life, or allow myself the freedom in certain situations that I know God has for us.

I was commenting to my wife last night - wondering whether many who stand before God on that final day will for the first time see some of the stuff I've been working through. The volcanic realisation that what I'd been working on so hard really mattered not at all. That my driveness was futile. My compass flawed. I'd much rather work through that now rather than wait to be undone on that day. This way I have a chance to be/do those things God has for me in a real and humble way. The truth way, the right way, the God way - I don't know how to explain it. And I have no idea where I am going in the sense of my future.

My wife is really wanting to move on and do "her thing". This seems to involve at some point selling the company, then buying some kind of farm/estate and running multiple business' on it. Such as a cafe, an eco campsite, holiday lets, crafts, some animals, some veg, some . She wants to be able to conduct an orchestra but related to activities that lots of land would afford. So she doesn't actually want to do it herself - I.e. she doesn't want to grow tomatoes for the rest of her life. No - she wants to create some kind of employment with a strong sense of community - and find some kind of fulfillment for who she is. She has supported me and the girls all her adult life - so now is her time.

That alone presents some challenges for me. I have been in charge thus far - and followed what I now realise were templates set in place from early childhood. Supporting someone else with my life where I am not in charge is a challenge to me! I fear being dominated or controlled in the same way I was by my parents - thus the therapy. Realising this, and working through the attendant feelings brings release. Now the proof will be in the pudding! How will I do? Watch this space.

The other thing is that it is so alien to the way I was brought up. I was brought up to believe that I would be in full time ministry. It still challenges me now - but the thing that I almost see but am still equally confused by is that for me to go into ministry is me, not God. God has something else for me which is challenging. And I don't know what it is. It would be so easy for me to do ministry. I was trained from an early age. But I wouldn't be marred if I did. My wife laments much of what we see in terms of church. And I have to agree with her. It's as if so many are trapped in church, and will only do what the pastor teaches them. Surely God gave us brains! And feelings. And desires. And wisdom. Yet the moment we set out to do something which is not considered the norm it's as if we become outcasts of some kind. Maybe you know that feeling with all that you have done, and continue to??

Anyway - that's probably enough for now! The girls are well too - both are growing up so fast. Both are as tall as my wife now - with Amie being 15 and Lucy 12. Amie can't see the point in God at the moment, as it really makes no difference to her. Her telling me that was painful to hear, and yet I am determined to allow her to have her way. Oh God. My little girl. Look after her and bring her into a glorious union with You when Your timing is right.. And help me to be the dad You would have me be..

After a week away (in Devon)

Well, that wasn't so bad! We managed to spend a week together on our own, and actually quite enjoyed it. The weather was awful (!) - with gale force winds and constant rain, but we still found time to go walking, visit villages/towns and do lots of talking.

And that was the interesting part. There was lots and lots we talked about, and lots of areas for me to process.

My inherited template

My parents have put such a huge template within me that acts as the foundation and walls to my decision making. To my parents - God was everything. More specifically church was everything - or rather ministry was everything. Helping others, fixing others, preaching, seeing the lost saved, praying for healing, going _to_ church, meetings, bible studies and prayer meetings. I've already said enough for anyone to see that God wasn't a real gracious entity at home. No instead we all performed. Church was something we did, and we became very good at it.

Apart from all the downsides already discussed, anything which didn't somehow further church ministry was rubbished. Considered unimportant. More than that, a waste of time. It wasn't matching up to the most important thing in the universe. Everything was measured up to whether the kingdom of heaven was being extended.

So hobbies didn't register on the radar at all. Why have a hobby when you can be serving the Lord? Running, walking, photography, painting, anything in fact which took effort, time and resources was almost denounced. Not in clear "you mustn't do that" but against the calling. Ministry.

After all, what's more important? Saving a life or walking through a glade? Saving a life or going to the gym? Saving a life or taking some photos?

And that's the template. So when my wife says "let's go for a walk" - my template kicks in. There's no motivation - because it's not saving lives. And more than that - it's a waste of time. Yet if I get out there, it's beautiful. I love it. The scenery, the walking, nature, animals, streams, rivers, sky, trees, grass, flowers - all in a cacophony of vibrant colours and sounds.

It's so duplicitous. Because if I wasn't walking, I'd be watching telly, or surfing the net. I.e. I'm not out there saving lives. And neither are my parents. Sure they go to church to preach, heal, save.. but they are not nice people to live with during the week. They are not caring for others during the week, getting involved in people's lives. They _go_ to church to preach.

Argh. It's such a strong template though.

Sale of the company - perfectionism

My wife wants to move on. Buy a farm. Not be tied into our company any longer. She would not have enough money to buy a farm if we sold only her 50% - so we have to sell the whole company. So I have to do some processing, thinking and planning. Put the company up for sale in April next year, tell the guys some time before with bonuses in place for success.

How do I feel? Mixed. Having my wife make the decision to sell the company means I'm not making the decision which makes it both easier and harder. It's not currently making money (£140k down after 4 months) but it should start to make a profit in the next month or two. Provided we can make at least £100k profit by end of March, along with the money we are taking out means that we should get at least £2m. But there's no guarantees.

And that's the second template (or is it the same one) which kicks in. Perfection. Whatever I do has to be right, get the maximum options/freedom/money/time for me. It's always about maximising everything. Getting the best. That somehow if I don't get the best then I've failed. If I sell something for £10 but could have got £12 then I failed. It's not possible to settle for ok. The maximum has to be wrung out of everything. The best, the biggest, the most.

And it's horrible, because I can't rest in it.

So selling the company becomes another thing which has to be done right. Of course it's not "right" to sell the company because I could grow it some more, and it would be worth more in two years than one year. So by selling the company now ish means I'm losing out on something I could get. It has to be perfect. I have to sell it for the most money I can possibly get, whilst selling it to the best type of company who will look after my staff. I have to have the most options, the most money.


And then there's control

So. We sell the company. My wife takes the money and buys a farm. My template says "with all that cash you must invest it and grow it". Oh - so not to buy a farm for my wife then? Not allow her to run it in the way she sees fit? Not as some money making machine, but rather as a lifestyle... OOOOOOOOoooooooooo. That really challenges my insides.

And I can't be in control. I have to learn to be a partner. Someone who supports, but doesn't take over. Historically I've either been leading or not interested. I don't do middle of the road. And yet that is what my wife is looking for. For me to support her. To be there for her.

How do I get ahead in that? How do I protect myself in that? How do I marry the two conflicting requirements that I have been both trained in and worked hard at myself?

So - this challenges me to my core

Ministry being more important than anything else, perfectionism and control. Selling the company, allowing my wife to spend it on a farm and then supporting her challenges everything about me.

Ah well, who wanted an easy ride?

What do I do next?

So. The girls have been away at Newday for a couple of days, and my wife and I have been working hard on each other (!). We've had great sex, enjoyed our time together and talked lots. We seem to talk lots - which I guess is really important!

In amongst all of this talking, is the crucial issue of what my wife does next. She would love to buy a farm, and branch out into various things - running it as a business supporting a local community, with cafe, shop(s), organic, self sustaining, eco friendly, pigs, maybe some sheep, chickens etc. Our thoughts are anywhere between 100 and 150 acres.

And this begs the question - what about me? She describes me as a bomb, when all she needs is a grenade. That I would be "too big" for a farm. I'd want global domination. She wants to have, say, two million pounds to buy a farm for up to £1.5m and keep £500k min as float to do it up and get it to a point where it is not costing us to run. I.e. it's viable/self sustaining.

So that is £2m. If we sold the company for £2.5 after taxes we'd have £2m. Right now I think that is what the company would be worth - ish. So if we sold the company, we'd have enough money for my wife, but I'd have to work and earn a lot of money to keep us at the level we currently are. We each earn £60k net from the company (minus maybe 10% tax). So that's £120k per annum. I'd have to earn £200k gross to get that net. So I'd sell the company, give all the money to my wife, then go back to work :(

That's not an attractive proposition. So then my thinking goes, why don't I give my company another push so that we can sell it for more money. £3m net would mean we could live without me having to earn a huge amount, £4m net would be fantastic. I could chose where to work or invest.

And that then begs a HUGE question. What do I want to do? And I really don't know the answer.

The major downside of being the MD of our current company is that I retain the responsibility and stress when we lose money - and so far we are about £100k down after four months. We've made redundancies but even with that - the credit crunch is stopping projects which is 50% of our turnover, and it's hurting us badly.

So do I go back? Do I wait for another two months or so, then throw myself back in in order to drive the company to it's next level? Can I really do it? Do I have either a) the energy, or b) the skills? I don't know the answer to either.

What would I do if I went back? What would my role be? I don't want to lose myself again - like I have before. I want to be able to able to carry on relating to my wife, my girls, my friends. I want to be in the real world, not one which I've made in order to be successful in. So which it? Which would I be? Am I capable of doing multiple things? Or am I so single focused I really can only do one thing at a time?

And if I do go back - is it right to have as my motivation to earn more money? To grow the company? To gain greater options for my wife and I, as well as others along the way? I've lost my passion for the technology we specialise in. That may be a good or bad thing. My desire would be to have a self sustaining company rather than be at the whims of any specific technology. But then again, would I want to pull a suit on again and work five days a week?

I think I can say no to that last one. I want more freedom than that. The idea of staying as Chairman of my company, whilst having time/energy and money to invest in other things really appeals. But is it possible? Am I trying to get my cake and eat it?

Would I prefer to be released from the stress of owning the company through a sale, then provide consultancy to other companies through something like Business Link? Part time - as a lifestyle. Earning enough money to get by, but crucially really enjoying what I do whilst not taking it home with me at night.

Would I be prepared to sell my company, give all the money to my wife, if there was still some left over to provide a partial income, and I had to work 3 days a week? Earning say £500 per day, £60k per annum. Would that be me being a "rescuer"? Trying to fix other people or companies? Is there anything wrong with that - provided I have worked through my need to be significant?

What do I want to do? What comes after therapy and a sabbatical? How do I best support my wife, whilst retaining my identity? These are tough questions.. and ones I don't have the answers to - but I find it interesting that I am starting to ask them.

And I realise that I can't be on a sabbatical for the rest of my life. I'm still too young. And I would get bored (though I haven't been so far). I want a challenge. Something to take some of my energy - the key word being _some_.

Watch this space.