There was no one there for me

I realise now, looking back, that there was no one there for me as I grew up. As per my last post, I had to look after myself. As I was exploring my feelings yesterday with my wife she said to me "I want to be there for you". And my insides turned inside out.

It's as if I could see what she was offering, but it was too painful to even contemplate. My first thoughts were "but you weren't there for me, no was was there for me". She said that when I explained where my bedroom was and how far I was from everyone else she felt really sorry for me and that no child should have experienced that.

It made me realise just how alone I was from the ages of 2-8, and following on from then. I've built huge defenses and coping mechanisms to overcome this. My wife said she found it hard to imagine I was bullied as a kid based on who I was now. And that's the point. It's like I worked so hard to get myself into a position where I wasn't the one being abused - that now people can't see past it. My theatre face was one saying "I am confident, strong, outgoing, gregarious and friendly." Yet on the inside it's something different. I give the appearance of being vulnerable without actually being so.

It's as if I had Polio as a child, and then worked very hard to erase all signs of it as I grew up. But underneath the mask are the withered muscles. Not pleasant to look at, but hidden from view.

Underneath I crave that people I love will be there for me, but to allow them to be is a violation of the inner boy who spent his life building up defences to cover the fact that he had that need. So I so want that support, care and love - but am petrified of it at the same time - as my experience tells me that to be submissive to someone (vulnerable) will result in being lead to the gallows or the POW camp. That was my experience - and it is a very hard one to break.

So - the process of therapy - I need to lean into it, allow myself to feel the pain, hurt, rejection and anger. As I process these emotions which I was not allowed to have as a kid I will grow up in that area of my life and slowly but surely be able to receive the care that those who love me have for me..

As an aside - maybe this also explains my super spiritual drive. My mind knew that God cared for me, so I gave myself entirely to Him.. though I am assuming that I feel the same way about God as I do about my wife. Namely that to be truly vulnerable would be equivalent to going to the gallows again..