Solicitors?

Yesterday, my wife came into the kitchen as I was having breakfast and told me that she couldn't live like this anymore, we needed to see a couple therapist and was going to see a solicitor to see what her options were. She then walked upstairs and locked herself into the bedroom.

So, how did I react?

Well, I actually could see the hurt she was feeling. To me it looked and felt like a six year old coming into her dad/mum and saying "I hate you" because of some deep pain/hurt she was feeling. It was clear to me that the deep wound she had was what was driving the actions and words. I wanted to go upstairs and hug her, and tell her it was going to be ok.

Of course the reality is far more complicated than that. Yes I've hurt her, yes I've not supported her like I could have done, yes I've been happy to have her unconditional support - in short I could have been a much much better husband. She tells me that all she wants is a relationship with me. But living with me is like living in a void. I'm so defended that she can't get close.

However, I'm also starting to see things a little clearer myself. I can see her pain for starters - and I feel that although I may not have helped, it wasn't me that caused it. I.e. I may have picked at the wound, but I didn't give it to her to start with. I'm also realising that we are in certain areas entrenched in certain types of behaviour. Both of us. I read her body language and come to a conclusion based on my past, and she does the same. In short, I see my dad, she sees her mum.

Realising this although not erasing the problem in any way does help give me perspective. I feel that the whole of our married life she has blamed me for every ill. Recently I've had to tell her to stop telling me what I am not doing, how I am not doing it right, how I'm getting it wrong. It's simply not helping! She told me it was the only way she felt she could initiate a reaction from me.

I had a good chat with a mate of mine who lives in our previous town. He knows both of us, and did agree with me that it couldn't be all my fault. He knows that my wife has tried to find something to make her happy for a long time. Property development, buying a farm - all these areas are where my wife is hoping to find the cure to the perpetual itch she feels. The deep wound.

She told me yesterday that I was incapable of relating at any normal level. Is there something of a six year old? This morning in bed - she told me that after our conversation yesterday she realised that there was a well of anger there, based on fifteen years of living with me. I said that the anger towards me was most likely anger at a range of things - me being one of them. She then told me that I wasn't being sympathetic, I was being arrogant and God forbid that I could humble myself to see her point of view. Was there a six year old in there too? Similarly with the threat of solicitors. My therapist wondered if she was being punitive - and I was reminded of seeing my niece who is six having a paddy.

So, what's the answer? What's the way forward. Couple therapy for one. I said to my wife that such a person would I hope bring some sense of perspective to our relationship. My therapist said that we'd been together twenty years and had in one sense (evolutionary) outlived our usefulness, as the children were getting to the age where they would be moving on. Basically we'd procreated, brought the children up, and now were of no use. I may not share the same world view but I understand the sentiment. It's difficult to remain in a long term relationship.

So, we get married, my wife stays at home to have children and support me in my quest to get into church, and then start a business. She loses her friends, and her identity. She claims that my drive was too strong for her to fight against it. The girls get older, she starts to reevaluate her life after having a breakdown of sorts. Starts therapy, twelve months later I start therapy, eight months later I go on a sabbatical. I am now at home full time, the girls are doing their own thing and my wife is wanting to move ahead and claim the things she's not had for the last twenty years all the while harbouring deep anger at me.

Put like that it very easy to see the whys and wherefores. I guess I am going to have to be patient and understanding, allowing my wife to express her anger whilst also protecting myself. In short being an understanding, compassionate and caring adult. But with the emphasis on adult - in the sense of being a whole balanced individual.

My therapist said that I had made huge strides over the last weeks - which was encouraging. I'd put boundaries down for my sister, I was able to put some boundaries down with my wife (don't tell me how bad I am) whilst working through some heavy painful stuff.

So - watch this space..