My conversation as a little boy

Not so much angry. More just a sitting, or realisation of what actually happened when I was a little boy. Allowing myself to feel these feelings, despite how they feel. If that makes sense. Realising that I was left to my own devices, needed to fend for myself, couldn't ask for help from my parents because if I'd been able to think it through the conversation would have gone something like;

Hey dad/mum. I've been thinking, and it strikes me that I have to tiptoe around you. You don't see me, don't give to me emotionally. I'm really hurting here, and yet you can't see it. Because dad gets all the attention - and mum you've decided to live in a way which doesn't upset him. BUT I AM HERE. RIGHT HERE. And I need something from you which you can't give me. I need you to tell me that I am ok, that I am ok as I am. That I don't need to do anything to gain affirmation or significance, because I am affirmed and significant just for who I am. Could you do that for me, because it will really help me at school, at college, at uni, when I get married, when I become a father, when I work out what I want to do with my life. It will save me sooooo much trouble, pain and hurt. If you could do this for me I would be ever so grateful. Thanks.

If only I could have. And that's what hurts. Because I couldn't. Instead the conversation went on in my unconscious something like the following;

Hey Mark. You are in trouble here. Dad. Is just dad. And mum, is for dad. You are not important to them, at least not as important as they are to themselves. So, you are just going to have to find a way through. Blank it out. Pretend it's not happening like mum has taught you. Forget about feeling crushed, not seen, not cared for. Forget about how nasty everyone else is to you. Blank it out. Ignore it. Pretend it's not there. Look to find something whereby which you can prove you are ok. Something by which you can find affirmation and significance. Being you aint going to do it. And once you find it, do it with all your might in order to become the best at it. Then you will have some power, control and significance.

CRAP. I had no chance. And that's the brunt of it. There was nothing I could have done. Nowhere I could have gone. No one I could have gone to. It was me and I. And that was crap. Especially as my mum and dad told/taught me that we were one happy family, better than anyone else. That was just double crap. Oh.. How crappy. Crappy crap crappy crap. sssssssssssssssssahsgjkhasgjhasjg asgh asgh asjg hsg hasg hjskag jsg jsg js jjgjgj asg jsg jaskgj askgj asg jasg jaskg ag j