Just feel flat today - desolated

Just feel flat today. My insides feel ravaged. Why? Because I've felt so alone. Oh how much we try and hide from the truth. Suppress it, push it to one side whenever it threatens to hurt me.

So. I was Billy No Mates. On my own. Alone. Not seen by my parents. Everything revolved around my dad. Not around me or us. No balance.

I was on the side. Better seen and not heard. Better still if I wasn't see at all.

Pfff. Sigh. It just hurts. Feels raw. I'm listening to classical music as I write this - and it's as if the various notes and harmonies are reverberating at various points within me. Sadness. Welcoming yet distant. Warm yet cold. Soft yet brittle. Much like exercising, the resulting muscle ache reminds you you have muscles where you didn't know - classical music touches part of me I don't know exist. Parts of me I want to keep hidden, locked away for fear of what I may feel. What I may see. What I may need to confront. Parts of me that weren't safe to bring out into the open. Had I of shown a soft side to my dad I would have been crushed. Pulverised. I'd have had it pulled out of me and battered to death. There was no room for my softness. For my gentleness, my being a little boy. I couldn't be a little boy. I had to be a big boy. I had to look after my sisters. I had to ensure we didn't incense dad. When we did (or something else did) we had to watch out, be on high alert. Because he might launch an excorcet missile at us. At me. And boy did it hurt, sting, crush, violate, repress, supress, take the wind out of your sails, leave you holding onto life for all it was worth. 100% degree burns. Limbs torn off. Blood all over the floor. And that was just the external injuries.

There was nowhere to hide. Nowhere to run to. Noone to run to. Nowhere I could be safe. Nowhere to rest. Nowhere to relax. There was no safe place. The only safe place was outside of the home. And bar school I couldn't go out of the home till eight years old. But even after that I had to be on the house for meals, and chores, and family activities. I had to be near my dad at church (especially when he was the minister, preacher). f jskf skafjaskf jsdf jasjg hhhhasdg hghagasdg hasdg hasdg hsdg hasjg hasg hghhag h

wgf koasg hhhhhhhhhjskg hhhhjkashikJGKOcgjja,ghj,sdfcgjgj,mv hhx

sdkcrapbopollcocksfuichsdf gf

There was just no where I go could to, apart from to dissasociate myself from what was happening. Internalise everything. Pretend it wasn't hapenning whilst all the time I was mr positive to try and counteract the chronic pessimism we encountered on an minute by minute basis. No wonder we are all screwed. Trying our hardest, but screwed none the less.

Crap and bollocks. FUCK and fuck. Bloody crappy fucking bloody crap. That's what it was. There was no life, nothing godly ,nothing great about it. It was ficking crap. ghasdgf hhhhhhhhhhh. It was damn awful. It was a terrible place to be. It sucked us of vitality and life. Of care and compassion. Of gentleness and sensitivity. In place we became masters at control, defending ourselves, trying everything we knew how to to stop ourselves from being violated. And if my dad read this, he would say "but I never physically abused you". In a way you did and in a way you didn't. But emotionally you raped us. You pillaged and raped and tore your scabbard through our insides. And mum stood by and watched.

As a result we've been devastated. We've got limbs missing. Eye's and tongues missing. Burns down our backs. We can't relate normally. W strive for something we can't get (your love and affirmation). We try and desperately walk as though we don't have polio. We try and desperately climb a vertical cliff wall without arms. CRAP AND BOLLOCKS>> fjkg;lakg klgjjjaklsdg tugg js\g asfgjmmm

caro caro carp crap crap bollocksd, fuickjsdf jklasdgf klasddgf ;b

It's not so much anger I feel as just desolate. Alone. More than hurting. Desolate. THat's a good word.

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
1. barren or laid waste; devastated: a treeless, desolate landscape.
2. deprived or destitute of inhabitants; deserted; uninhabited.
3. solitary; lonely: a desolate place.
4. having the feeling of being abandoned by friends or by hope; forlorn.
5. dreary; dismal; gloomy: desolate prospects.
–verb (used with object)
6. to lay waste; devastate.
7. to deprive of inhabitants; depopulate.
8. to make disconsolate.
9. to forsake or abandon.


Yep, that's how I felt without realising it. Desolate. We were all desolated. By our parents, by each other. One was the end product of the other. Then our parents blame us for lack of "normal parental relationships with their children". Ahem - look in the mirror!