Face to face with my dad for ten minutes

So, we dropped my sister off at my dad's house knowing that he would probably be upset that we weren't going to stay. But, we decided that would be easier than dropping off my sister at the local train station then calling dad to pick her up.

I rang the door bell. He said what a surprise it was to see us. I said we weren't staying as we were just dropping my sister (no 3) off before heading on to somewhere else. He took this quite well, so came out to chat for ten minutes.

Here's a rough gist of the conversation - all lead by my dad.

He went to speak at a church yesterday where he was once pastor. Apparently sister's no 2 & 4 went too - which he was surprised by (me too) though the way he said it impled that no 2 had done something wrong by being there. I asked how many were there. Long face, sigh, scowl, portrayal of pain, "twelve to fifteen. I blame the pastor. They should have got rid of him years ago. He is unable to use the talents of the people..." he says. I say "So, who would I have known?". He rattled off a couple of names then proceeded to tell us about an older chap who has problems with his heart, has needed a stent, and went off on one about hospitals, consultants etc. Both my sister and I had to repeatedly stop him to tell us who else was there.

He then relayed the fact that a whirlwind had demolished some adjacent buildings damaging some of the church offices, and that one of the members of the church had had to get involved (almost retired chap). He was acting as site manager and Health and Safety. Dad blew off on another one, scowling, "I pointed out to x that he didn't need to do this, it was an insurance job, so the insurance company should be dealing with it, but he didn't have the brains I've got, for which I praise the Lord for my brains, so he can't see it and he's shattered poor man".

Gee - with sympathy and caring like that who needs enemies?

Asked him about his knees - which were painful and worse in this damp weather meaning he couldn't walk far.

We spoke about the Florida healing outpouring, and he gushed about it. Saying how he'd cried when he'd seen a 12 year old boy healed from spinabiffida and walked for the first time. Why does he cry about that, yet is unable to be soft and gentle with others?

But the thing that really cut me up was his face, his expressions, his eyes, what he portrayed. It's as if I learnt so early on to read him that it's not so much what he says as his expressions that get me. It's like he tries to convey that how he feels is at bursting point with pain, grief and a righteous anger, and that no matter what he may try and do, "they" can't change/do it/fix it/make it better/do it as well as he etc. But the problem is is that he throws this out for others to deal with.

"See how I hurt, see my deep pain, see how I bleed for these poor wretched people.."

And from an early age I did see. And I tried to change things. Became a rescuer thinking that by doing so I would gain acceptance, significance and jusitification.

How can a person live with such negative pain which is being spread liberally like cow muck from the back of a tractor. It sticks to whatever it touches, and is murder to clean off. That's what I feel like. Like I've been covered in muck. It's stuck to me. I smell. I can't wash it off. I don't want to be there "but can't you see the pain of these fields - if it weren't for me mucking them then there would be crop devastation".

To then say "actually no, I'd rather not, I'm doing something else" is to tell my dad that his pain is not important, that his world view is screwed, that I am rejecting him, can't go on the same road as him, resulting in... confusion, pain and utter rejection. For both of us. That's a very difficult thing to do - when you realise that your actions (from whatever motivation) are going to so utterly reject someone else that if you took that into consideration you would end up doing nothing. But doing nothing is an option, as if you do nothing you end up looking like a muck thrower yourself!

So, the only way I can keep myself clean is to not go near the damn muck spreader. But that's my dad. So that means I can't go near my dad, no matter how many bits of him are nice, or soft, or genuine. The pain and hurt that I feel when I get covered in muck is not worth it. So for me to have a relationship with my dad means he needs to unhitch himself from the muck spreader. Until then, he can't come near me.

So I have to come to terms with that. If I see him, right now he is going to hurt me. He's going to hurt me not because of something I've done or because I'm wrong. But because he's hurt and in pain and can't help but spread muck - he needs others to feel his pain in order to feel a measure of acceptance. His worls view does not permit him to see anything from someone else's (mine) perspective. So it's a conundrum, an oxymoron.

MAKE DAD HAPPY -> DO WHAT HE WANTS -> I BECOME A DRONE -> I CAN'T FUNCTION

I NEED TO FUNCTION -> CAN'T BE A DRONE -> CAN'T PLEASE HIM

Thus a relationship is not possible. And it's not my fault. It's not my fault. I have done nothing wrong. And I'm still fed up of having to tip toe around his pain. As everyone else has to. Because he can't handle his own pain, and everyone intrinsically knows this, everyone tip toes because there is no option. The only answer to that conundrum is not to see him.

DAD CAN'T HANDLE HIS OWN PAIN -> NO ROOM FOR OPENESS & HONESTY -> NO RELATIONSHIP

So - to repeat myself. The only way I can enjoy the relationship we both want is if he stops chucking muck. But to do that he needs to be able to see himself for what he is, and work through whatever issues that throws up. If I don't want to be covered in muck, I can't go near the muck thrower. Case sera sera. QED.

There is NOTHING I can do about this. My insides scream for me to do something. Try harder. Fix him. Rescue him. He's all lost and hurt like a puppy dog. No. This is my dad, a grown man. I can't do anything. I've tried from every conceivable angle. As has my mum and no doubt my sisters. I am not alone. I can't change my dad. I can't change him. I can't get him to see something he can't see. I can't get him to change his mind. I can't get him to alter his viewpoint, his map, his north pole, his compass. I can't work through his pain and grief for him. I can't do it. I can't make it better. I can't do anything to make it better. There is nothing I can do. There is nothing I can do. There is nothing I can do. there is nothing I can do to make it better. I can't make our relationship work. I can't visit him to talk it through. I can't talk to him on the phone, or send an email to him. If I try, he reads it wrong, gets upset, angry, rejected. I can't do it. I can't do anything. I can't try harder. It's not my fault. I didn't do this. I didn't make him like this. I didn't reject him. His dad did. His mum did. His growing up family did. NOT ME. NOT US. It's his past that hurts him, not his current. His current is as a result of his past.

I CAN NOT DO IT. I CAN'T CHANGE HIM. I CAN'T FIX HIM. I CAN'T HAVE THE RELATIONSHIP I WANT WITH HIM BECAUSE HE IS NOT ABLE TO HAVE IT. TO DO WOULD REQUIRE HIM TO STOP CHUCKING MUCK. TO DEAL WITH HIS MUCK THROWING TENDENCIES. TO UNDERSTAND WHY HE DOES IT. WHICH REQUIRES A REAL DEGREE OF SELF AWARENESS. WHICH IS NOT SOMEWHERE DAD WANTS TO GO, BECAUSE IT WILL BRING HIM FACE TO FACE WITH HIS OWN INADEQUACIES. I CAN'T DO IT. I CAN'T DO IT. I CAN'T DO IT. I CAN'T CHANGE HIM. i CAN'T GO THERE. IT'S WRONG FOR ME TO. IT HURTS ME IF I TRY. MORE THAN HURTS, TAKES ANOTHER STRIP OFF ME. SOMETHING I CAN'T GET BACK. EXHAUSTS ME. TIRES ME OUT. WEARS ME OUT. STOPS ME FROM BEING ABLE TO ENJOY LIFE. I CAN'T GO RUNNING. CAN'T GO TO THE GYM. CAN'T EAT CERTAIN FOODS. FEEL CRAP WHEN I'M WORN OUT, AND CAN'T EAT.

TRYING TO DO THE IMPOSSIBLE RESULTS IN ME FEELING LIKE I DO.

Insides are you listening? Brain? Mind? Soul? Spirit? Psyche? Self? Conscious? Unconscious? I CAN'T DO THIS ANY MORE. I need to stop trying to please my dad - for it is NOT possible. It is not possible. Repeat after me "IT IS NOT POSSIBLE!" Get that into your head, heart, everywhere..