Co/Inter/Dependency

So, it's been a couple of days since I last wrote on here. I've worked hard since last Thursday to show my wife that I am serious in my commitment to her. And I think it's working.. we've talked lots, sometimes descending into anger as both of us have struggled to communicate or understand the other (she would claim it was me not understanding).

So - that's positive.

So where are we at?

My wife - is currently feeling utterly desolated. She explains it's like finding out one of our girls had cancer. I can see the grief/desolation/forlornness over her entire body. Explaining how she feels like that means I can fully empathise as to how she must be feeling. if one of the girls had cancer we would be devastated - which is how she feels.

Why does she feel like this? It has to be a mixture of her mum and me. Her mum who abandoned her, and a husband whose top priority was to "do" church - followed by business - therefore another form of abandonment.

Me - I actually feel pretty good. I feel that I am more in control - in a good way. I am thinking more - rather than my mind being a blank. I am not wanting to go into shutdown/escape mode as often - as I want to be in the here and now. I am very aware that I am trying to work out dependency/interdependency/codependency..

I did book a couple therapist for yesterday, but my wife felt too exhausted to go - and so I cancelled. And I can understand that - due to how she is feeling right now. I feel towards her as if she has had a major bereavement. I just need to be there for her. Right now I can be, as I guess I see it as some form of crisis. But based on past experience I will get to the point where I feel that I have no freedom, that I am being shut in, and will have a strong desire to escape.

My wife would say this was only temporary. She's not always like this. My problem is is that I _feel_ as if it's been like this from the start. She would point out that before she met me she had no problems, went inter railing with a friend around Europe. She went to Morocco with a church group at university for a month. She was happy to go anywhere using public transport.

And this is where I think a couple therapist would come in very handy - as I feel that they would be able to bring some perspective to our relationship. I feel that I am to blame in everything. I've got to the stage in my therapy process where I am looking after myself a little more - and feel that I need to stand my ground a little - I can't be 100% to blame. I can understand a little more of my wife's background - and how it's affected her. She may feel that I am 100% to blame, and I am in part, but only in part. Her mum is not right in the head.

My 12 year old daughter went to stay with my wife's parents with two of her cousins this week. Apparently grandma discounted and criticised throughout the week. She told them that the only singer/dancer in the family was one of their cousins (who is three and has a form of autism). That's despite the fact that grandma has been to see my daughter in three shows - she has a grade 5 in singing, and is doing grades 4/5 in ballet, tap, modern and street jazz. How would that make her feel? Grandma - though not at all meaning it - was being downright mean. Nasty. Belittling. Controlling. The girls got up at 11am, and asked for breakfast - and grandma said "Hahah, do you think I'm stupid?". Why? Because it was later than grandma wanted them to get up. They are 12 and 13! and my 12 year old is as big (bigger in fact) that my 15 year old.

So - if that's for one week - what would it have been like for my wife to live at home till she was eighteen? No wonder that she, like me, escaped to a university as far away as she could at the first opportunity. She was emotionally abandoned by her mum, and what's more her mum would threaten to cut her hair whilst she was asleep. Plonker. Absolute idiot. Stupid cow.

For the first time actually, I'm feeling angry at my wife's mum. I think that before now I've seen it in a far off way. Keeping myself protected, putting it into a box. But now I FEEL angry. Angry that she was like that whilst my wife was growing up. We can protect our children from the grandparents by limiting the time they spend together, and then talking it through afterwards. But for my wife who was at home all those years..

But - I can't make up for that. I can't make it better. I feel like I've tried, in amongst all my church/business seeking. I feel that I have been there for her, but then we are back to the old chestnut. I was therefore in a doing sense, but not in an emotional sense - at least not for the last 12 years. Apparently.

And when my wife feels like this I feel a little claustrophobic. I feel that I need to be here due to a need. But I can only do it for so long before I need to escape. She's sat opposite me now as I write this -just drinking her tea. Why? Because she feels so devastated. And I can understand that. But it really takes it out of me. I feel that she is asking for me. And I can give her me, but when I do I give too much. Then need to pull back by escaping for awhile. So what's the answer?

My wife doesn't have friends or family close by that can support her. They are on the end of a phone, but it's not the same. So it's down to me and an hour a week with her therapist. And I feel that's a heavy burden - and one that I can carry for only so long.

So how do I deal with that? What's being an adult? A loving husband? Emotionally whole.

I don't really know - but feel that I am finding out..