Yuck - this is crappy - and I don't want to go to therapy..

Yuck. As I turned up at my therapist's today, I realised I really didn't want to go. Why? I asked myself. Because it was hard, difficult, crappy, tough. It's all hard, crappy, difficult yucky. On the one hand I want to be a kid again. Freedom, no responsibilities, do what I like when I like. But without an angry one beating me up at every turn. On the other hand I want to be a good father, husband, connected and relating. Not switched off. Dealing with the pain. The two ends are being squashed together, with lots of pain in the middle.

I can't trust my own judgement. Can't relate to God at the moment (though I know He's there), can't fathom church. Don't trust my own opinion on what I should do in a given situation (should I tell my daughter off, hug her and tell her I love her, be more low key - I just don't know!). Do I tell my wife how I feel? Sometimes it works out well (despite me being very vulnerable in the process). Other times it results in my wife being incredible hurt and telling me I'm arrogant and hurtful beyond description.

My map is a mess - with barely anything left on it.

So - that's why I didn't want to go to therapy..