Transference - seeing my dad in authority figures

I don't really like my bank manager. He annoys me. It's not that he's a bad bloke. He tries, he's helpful - there's nothing to dislike really. And yet I have to be really careful not to react to him. Why?

Why do I struggle seeing my therapist - apart from the obvious reason? Rationally of course it's not easy going to see a therapist - but my wife does not have the same issue. Why - because it's about control. And fear of rejection. And submission. For me to go to my therapist I have to submit. But for me submission is a really bad thing. It means being lead like a lamb to the slaughter. It means not resisting when someone wants to rape you. It means allowing a POW camp commander to arbitrarily and violently degrade me - kill me. It's allowing my dad to have authority over me.

Why do I still struggle when I drive? Why do I get stressed regardless of whether I travel at 70mph, or 90mph? Why do I not want someone to better me, overtake me.. because I don't want to submit to my dad - and I trasnfer this onto every other car on the road. If I allow them to overtake me, I'm allowing my dad to get the better of me. And I can't have that - so I put my foot down, get aggressive (about the only place in life I allow myself to), overtake, go faster..

My dad. I hadn't realised that I was seeing my dad in so many places. Anyone who has any form or semblance of power over me. It could be a council official. A jobs worth. A man who tells me to get into a queue. A man who wants to lend me money (insurance sales man), hotel manager (unless I feel in control), a traffic warden - anyone anywhere. When I take clothes back - and you have to write your address - I write Mickey Mouse, 1 High St, Basildon. I can't give my address! Don't want them to know (my no 3 sister is exactly the same).

My therapist got me to see this today. When I go to see my therapist, it's like I'm going to see my dad. I transfer my dad onto him. Which is why I find it so difficult.

PING. The light went on, and I felt really upset. I realised I feel like this everywhere. I see my dad in any situation in which there is any form of submission. So I fight against it. With everything I have. I can't submit, for to submit would mean allowing my dad to have dominance over me.

This is a big thing. Really big. Really really big, as it affects everything I do, everywhere I go.

I need to think more about this. Feel more about this. And allow the realisation of how big this is to wash over me. Just how wide, how deep and how high this goes..