So what do I want to do with the rest of my life?

And in the midst of all this pain and heart ache - I took some time out yesterday morning to start evaluating what I wanted in the future. For the first time - and it felt good! In fact I encouraged myself doing it. See, it goes like this..

If all my life I have been living to try and please my father who is impossible to please. He has so powerfully shaped my life that I have tried to follow this course of action. Now I've had enough. I'm re-evaluating.

My wife wants to buy a farm and build a number of different businesses on it. She's attracted to the whole self sustaining lifestyle. Eco friendly. Being rather than doing. Allowing other people to partake and find what they want to do. Cafes, crafts, craft shops, eco farming, being green, forests, outside activities/sports. I'd add commercial fisheries, business start ups, shooting (?).. but back to my wife. She's been building to this all her life. She's brilliant at crafts. Absolutely brilliant. She can make things, buy things and make wonderful things out of them, knit, sow, crochet.. Examples; she buys underground train signs (the things that are on a roll at the front), cuts them and sticks them to black boards. They look great. And you see them in films - very fashionable. All round the house are fantastic original newspapers, film posters, old five pound notes (1950s) etc. She has 1920 working phones (candlestick as well as bakerlights). In short, she could open a trendy arty contempary shop and sell well at a profit. She's just so talented.

On top of that she loves the outside. She loves walking, outdoors, green/eco stuff (the chap in Devon who is on the TV and gone eco self sustaining with the peat bog toilet, wind powered electricity etc. She loves travelling, loves the 1920's, Agatha Christie.. She thinks outside the box, is gracious, can't pretend. She's very bright, intuitive, and very very loyal.

Anyway - this wasn't meant to be a eulogy to my wife!

My wife wants to buy a farm - probably at least 150 acres. So not a small holding! And as I start to comtemplate life moving forwards, without all the crap I've had..

Crap; needing to be in control. Needing to be successful. Needing to dominate so that I'm not dominated. If I don't need those things - then I'm free. I'm actually free to support my wife without fearing that I will be swallowed. I don't want to go back and work in a professional IT firm. Or a consultancy firm. In fact, right now I don't think I want to set up another business in that way. It's just too much work - no matter how great an idea I have. I could change my mind of course - and I'd be allowed to - but still -that's how I feel right now.

So I don't need millions to start my own business. Yes, I want to be comfortable. I want to be able to buy new trainers if I want, go for lunch, put in a pond. I want enough money to not to have to worry. But - I don't need millions. I don't need to be in control. Which means we don't need as much money. I don't need to protect myself in that way. I can be there for my wife. Without fearing I'll be dominated.

And that's a relief. Quite liberating in fact. I'm not there 100% yet. It may take me a while longer to get there - but that's where I am headed. Not needing to proect myself. Not fearing that I will be dominated by others (my dad). Therefore being able to relax, be, help, support, empathise, enjoy, be at peace.. without having my own axe to grind. Oooooo. I want that. My insides ache at even the thought of it.

I've no idea what I am going to do. But I'm not going to do what I did before, and certainly not for the same reasons. I'm going to be free. Able to see others. Be at peace. It then really does not matter what I do..