Projecting my dad & mum onto my wife

Karl Jung - bless him. An incredible man, who went to extraordinary lengths in order to understand the psyche - or the whole person. I'm reading a quick summary of Jung, and following on from my last post it turns out that not only am I projecting my father on to my poor wife, but I'm also projecting my mum. It's a wonder we are still married.

When I'm at home with my wife I feel trapped. Claustrophobic even. I feel guilty if I don't do something, but at the same time I don't want to do anything. It's ok if we go out (on holiday without the children, for a walk etc.) - but at home, it's like I'm stuck. I always thought it WAS my wife. But as I proceed on the path of therapy I'm now seeing that it's actually how I felt when I was living with my parents.

My dad - well that's pretty well documented in this blog. But my mum.. she had a way of smearing me with almost incestuous yuckiness whenever I did anything that she wanted me to do, and similarly a yucky guiltiness if I did something she didn't want me to do to. So as a result if I did something at home, say a chore, or a hobby, my mum would have this way of praising me whilst sucking all the goodness out of it. She did it completely unconsciously, but the end result was the same.

Like the wraith in Stargate Atlantis - needing life from other humans to survive - so they literally sucked it from others until the human was dead.

So there I am at home, not really wanting to be there as I feel that my mum is stalking the house. Despite the fact I left home over 20 years ago. I now project that same fear, guilt, yuckiness onto my poor unsuspecting wife. I blame my wife for my feelings of unease. "You are too clingy, needy, you make me feel guilty, I can't rest when I am at home...".

So why do I feel it now? Why is it that if my wife is out I feel relaxed, and will even start jobs or hobbies. Yet when she is around I'm paralysed. I hate it. Hate being at home. Why? Because I did pre eighteen. But why do I still feel it now?

Jung would argue that it's because I repressed these feelings when I lived with my parents. And now my unconscious is trying in the only way it knows to get it out - and that's by externalising it in terms of projecting it (my pain, repressed feelings) onto others. Therapy is allowing me to see the truth of what's real inside of me, and why I do the things I do.

And there's no easy way. No easy path to take. No magic bullet, wonder drug or red button. I simply have to live my way through it. In the here and now. Recognise that I hurt on the inside because my mum was so controlling. So needy herself. She couldn't be pleased for me, only pleased with herself if I did something well. She said the words "Well done darling" but inside I'd want to puke. It was a horrible incest thing - not that there was any sexual aspect to anything. I more mean emotionally.

Last session with my therapist, he asked me what I look for in others to see whether I am being rejected or not. I said the face, the lips, facial expression and even the look in the eyes. I realised just how much I read body language for the slightest expression hinting at rejection. It's like 100% full on radar. Everything I do monitors for it. Everything. With everyone - unless I have decided that I don't need them/don't need to impress them. So my sisters for example get nothing. But my therapist, my wife, my friends, people I work with, people at church, anywhere where I do care what people may think of me I am on alert. Down to the smallest wrinkle and inflection.

Why?

Because both my parents were excellent at communicating disaster (rejection) with a stare, an expression, a tone of the voice. Mum used it to ensure we all stayed in line, dad did it when he was about to get angry - or vehemently dissagreed with whatever hint of a course of action we were thinking of taking.

There was no escape. It was one way. If you didn't do it the way they told us it was the equivalent of telling them that we didn't love them, and worse we were dishonouring them meaning we were being sinful. All the way round, the level of guilt we would feel if we were to try and do anything (and I mean literally anything) which did not conform to what they wanted was overpowering.

We were prisoners from infancy. We did not have a chance. None of us. It wasn't like we were well balanced individuals who were adopted at age ten - and then had a choice as to whether we were going to fall into line. No - this was from birth, we never had a choice. To have chosen otherwise would have been like phoning childline and telling them your parents were serial abusers resulting in the whole family being split up. Worse. I can't explain it - there just wasn't an option.

And that hurts. Sucks. sd skj aslj aslgjsgjasgjas;g. No choice. Right up to eighteen years old when I left home to go to a university that was the furthest away I could get. Got married as far away as my parents as possible (invited them, but dad couldn't speak to me).

Imagine eighteen years of abuse. 18 years of no choice. 18 years of guilt, of rage, or smarmy yuckiness, of no choice, of being told that to follow God (which I wanted to do) meant to obey your parents in all things at all times. Regardless of their behaviour, their hypocracy, their anger, their pain, their control, jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjkl;.

No way. Lock down. Like being in an emotional prison. No choice. Couldn't rebel. Couldn't express anger. Couldn't express dissaproval. Couldn't express my own identity. Couldn't express full stop. kl CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP. kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkg ndbWKG JjfSFV.

No freedom. No choice. Full cream guilt. Full cream fear. What a heady concoction. What a bastard.

And how it affected me. Without me realising. I thought I did ok, managed to work through stuff at 13 and 20. Turns out I've been abusing my wife for the last 20 years as I've been subconsciously projecting all that pain and hurt onto her. So I've been feeling like I've been living with my dad (who will reject me at any random moment) and my mum (who makes me feel guilty and traps me).

Dad -> anger, rage, rejection
Mum -> control, manipulation, guilt

Gee - swell - thanks mum and dad. You really set me up for life there. Rejected and guilty. I can claim all the verses in the Bible, and I often have. Remember I've fasted, prayed, interceded, read my Bible back to front numerous times, studied it with my Strong's concordance, preached, seen people healed, delivered, filled with the Spirit, spoken in tongues for hours (even days) on end, seen countless become Christians, run Alpha courses, nurture courses, run intercessory prayer meetings, done door to door, run youth groups, youth events, read countless Christian books on all manner of subjects, praised for hours at a time, enjoyed the powerful and heavy presence of God.. I've done everything there is to do - and with passion,excitement and a real desire for the Lord. So it's not as if I've not lived the life. Not as if I haven't done it the Christian way, and yet here I am.

I've pleaded with the Lord. I've waited on the Lord. And yet, if I were 21 again, I think that if I still asked my wife to be to marry me I'd be a schmuck. I needed to sort myself out first, because I was only going to damage her because of the well of pain I was carrying around. And church, and prayer, and praise alone don't do it. Of course God is mightily gracious, and He could touch me and in an instant I would be anyone He wanted me to be. But in a way God doesn't work like that. He works with us as we are. He made us, and won't violate that. He leads us by grace, and let me tell you, therapy is just a humongous expression of God's grace. And for all the weird stuff that Karl Jung did, I thank God for him.