Inner turmoil, a flood of mixed emotions

Wow, time flies. Like the proverbial arrow.

Ok - a summary.

Generally over the last two months - I've been fishing, have built a tan, done more to the house, stayed away from work (but instigated redundancies as we're making heavy losses)..

My mum called me last week - which was a shock. After an hour of talking and her pleading to have a relationship with me, she apologised if she hadn't protected me as she should have done, and agreed that dad would not be able to talk through anything. That was quite something.

Meanwhile - over the last month or so - apart from being very aware of my rescuer mentality (see previous posting) - I'm becoming aware of what feels like a large pool of emotion. What's confusing is that the emotion feels like spaghetti - in that it feels like a plethora of emotions, all leaning in different directions.

There's fear, scaredness, self protection, grief, hurt, despair, anger, rage.. And all that in one place means "Whoaa! Let's not go there!!".

I start to focus on the pain I feel, then I feel parallel emotions of anger and rage. I relate to the heroes in action books who take out the baddies showing no mercy. Wham, snap of the neck. Wallop, a knuckle duster through the skull. Boom - a shot to the head. It's as if I am relating to the anger, the force, basest of human emotions.

Last week whilst at Centreparcs for a break, I went out for a walk. I ended up taking a sturdy stick and beating the living daylights out of a .. tree (not a person!). I smacked this tree as hard as I could 50 times or more (my shoulder still hurts). And I found myself saying "It's not my fault, I did nothing wrong, there's nothing wrong with me". As if that's what I have been fighting against all these years. A feeling of injustice. A needing to prove myself. Prove that I was not a weak failure who anyone could pick on. Who was the target, the nerd, the idiot.. The drive to be successful, to successfully serve God, start a business, grow a business, be married, have children, have the best car, the best house..

No. Smack. WHAM. NOOO. It's not my fault. I did nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong with me.

The pent up anger. The strong flood of emotions that I dare not let go. The pain. The anguish. The torment. The grief. Why? Why did my dad do it to me? Why did he squash me so? Why did he reject me so? Why did he so totally and utterly dominate me, in every area of my life? Why does he still blame me to this day?

It's not my fault. I told my mum that. Six times. On the same call. It's not my fault we don't have a relationship. I want one. But I can't, cos it's not my fault.

There's nothing wrong with me. It was not me that did it. It was someone else. My dad. He hurt me. He injured me. He lied to me. He told me I was wrong. I believed him. So everyone believed me - so I was the kid they bullied. I was the kid who thought he was thick. I couldn't talk to girls. Who committed himself to serving God as a way of finding some acceptance, approval and significance. Now - I'm still a boy on the inside. Can't relate in the way I should with my own wife. Too busy defending my own hurt, tending my defence mechanisms. Can't book holidays (I can't get it right). Do things out of duty (almost everything to do with my wife - and probably lots more besides). Have no idea where I am with God - as so much of it was infused by my dad, and his dominance.

I find myself reacting out of duty. The things I SHOULD do. Kind of put there by dad and mum. So I I choose not to do them - then I feel incredibly selfish, and guilty. A double bind. I can't win. A no win situation. Yet to do nothing does not work. But to actively do something consumes me with guilt. Yet I know I must, and it's a process. But shit, it feels crap.

Fuck. Bloody fuck. Fucking bloody crap. That's how it feels. Anyone who thinks that people who go through therapy are taking the easy route.. .forget it.

And anyone who doesn't like my language - go and find another web page. I don't care.

Bizarre isn't it? The labels for this post; emotions, anger, rage, pain, grief, despair, mum, dad

Surely it should be; love, acceptance, approval, unconditional, time, joy, peace, mum, dad.

Ah well. Seeing my therapist tomorrow. Lots to catch up on. I will feel frustrated as usual that I didn't get further in the session, and yet I will leave at least a step further on.

PS I've struggled over whether I should remove the swearing. I'm not one given to swearing. But I wrote it, and I want this to be honest. So I will leave it there.