I'm (still) getting it so wrong with my l/wife..

I'm blowing it. Getting it wrong everywhere.

According to my wife, I'm;

• Arrogant
• Selfish
• Can't connect
• Can't relate
• Bossy
• Am a boy
• Blame her
• Don't want to be with her or the girls
• Want to do my own thing

And you know what? Bar maybe the first thing (which I probably am anyway), all of these things are true. I connect, then pull back as if my life depends on it. As soon as I think I have no choice - WHAM - I need to batten down the hatches. I can't do this in a mature way, oh no, as I can't risk rejection. So I say nothing. Ducking. Hiding.

Meanwhile my wife looks to see I've disappeared.

Of course I have - as inside of me there is a little boy who is defending himself against total parental domination. I can't help it. This thing rises up, like a mist, and I have to escape. All other things are not visible. I forget about all my responsibilities. All the things I've committed to. The diary goes out of the window. I forget all conversations about anything. I'm out of there..

For my wife - this is a hard thing to bear. One minute I'm there, the next I'm not. How can she have an adult relationship with me? It hurts her, and causes her pain.

And I can understand that, I just can't change right now.

My therapist would say - "Mark, it's a process. You'll get through the other side.".

"Yes", I'd say, "but she may not be living with me by the time I get there".

My therapist would just shrug (as this is outside of his powers). "Mark", he'd say, "you can only be responsible for yourself".

Pfff. Easier said than done.

Meanwhile, from my cavern where no one can see me, I try and carry on living...

I just can't believe that I have been so negatively affected by my parents. I thought that was other people. Yet here I am, unable to cope. Unable to connect. Unable to truly support others. Unable to empathise. Unable to be there for others (unless I'm rescuing).

"Be more vulnerable" my wife says. So I, with great courage, tell how I feel at various moments. The result? She can't speak to me because I am callous, arrogant and hurtful.

AGHH! I can't win..

How do I change? How do I process the crap of my childhood? How can I really? I know the theory. Feel it, work through it, allow myself to feel what I feel. But as per previous posting, a) this is very difficult to do, and b) it's horrible.

There's a mass of emotion. ANGER. RAGE. PAIN. LOSS. GRIEF. It's chokingly deep, gut wrenchingly painful, frighteningly scary. The anger goes against everything I've taught myself. So to let out the anger, or rather allow myself to feel it goes against myself. Like eating pork if you are a jew. wkfj afjasf jasf jasf jasf js jfasf jasf j;awje PGJwwwwwwwwwwwwwwghhAF:KL j.

And my map - remember that - the thing we live our lives by? The one that balanced individuals continually update? Well my map is in tatters. Literally. All of the things that used to be on it are gone.

• The sense of calling through which I found significance. Gone.
• The dutiful relationship with God. Gone.
• The sense of purpose, career, that I was to achieve something incredibly special. Gone.
• The thought that I was ok, and it was others who struggled. Gone.
• The thought that it was my wife who needed help not I. Gone.
• The thought that I was friendly, open, vulnerable, emotional, open to God, able to connect, relate deeply, everything was well with me.. Gone.

What's left. My map is just a very worn piece of paper with bits cut out, rubbed and smudged. There's little that is legible any more..

So what I am supposed to do? Where am I supposed to go? At what level do I relate? I hurt the person who means the most to me. I try and escape. I batten down the hatches. I can't do it. If my wife were to leave me - where would that leave me? If it weren't for the girls, I wish I'd never married. I would not have caused the pain I have to my wife. I see now that it would not have mattered who I'd have married. I would have caused pain to whomever - unless of course they were unable to connect either in which case it would have been twice as bad.

God? Church? Christians? Two of those three turn me right off, and I don't know how to relate to the first.

Who am I? I don't know.